When a session goes bad (part 2)

This is a continuation of yesterday’s post where I described my one, and so far only, really bad pro-domme session. I left off at the point where I was naked, fastened to an X-frame and trying to reason with an angry and somewhat irrational pro-domme. For emotional masochists this might represent an interesting predicament, but for me it had all the appeal of violent stomach cramps. While stuck in an elevator. With a deranged hobo.

She had continued to complain and moan while I shook some life back into my tingling fingers. When I was done she cuffed my hands back above my head, and asked what I thought was the scariest corporal punishment implement. That struck me as an odd question. All of them can be pretty fearsome if applied with enough force, but scary isn’t a word I associate with inanimate objects. In the end I picked the cane as having the greatest potential for mayhem. She proceeded to give me a heavy beating with one while angrily criticizing my attitude and its effect on ‘her’ session. It wasn’t by any means the severest caning I’ve had, but it was the most unpleasant. I associate negative emotions like anger or frustration with a lack of self-control, a weakness that has nothing to do with dominance. It felt like she was using the beating to deal with her temper and irrational response, not because she’d made a conscious decision that it was the right thing for our session dynamic.

I realize that some of you are probably reading this and wondering what the big deal is. After all, aren’t I there to be dominated? Isn’t being beaten to satisfy her part of the package? For some submissives this may be true, but personally I only enjoy playing in a mutually positive way. I get off on the domme’s pleasure in hurting and controlling me. Insults or humiliation push me straight out of submissive mode and straight into ‘Who the hell do you think you are?” mode. I want to feel that the domme and I are working as partners to create something together. My submission is a gift within that context.

After the caning the session shifted back into a more normal, if slightly strained, atmosphere. I didn’t bring the issue up when we’d finished and were making smalltalk, because I still hadn’t processed it properly. I had a lot of adrenalin and endorphins swirling around, and emotionally I wasn’t really sure where I was. It took me some days to get my head around it, and during that time I felt horrible. Normally a session leaves me on a big high, and I then have a mild sense of well-being that lasts for days. I never get the post-session crash that some people experience. In this case all those usual positive feelings soured on me, and I had a low grade depression for over a week. I’d even get a little tearful when I’d think about the scene. It was a really strong and quite strange reaction.

On a more positive note, it was at least a learning experience. For anyone out there who might themselves in a similar situation, here’s what I ended up taking away from it:

1. When the dynamic goes bad in a session, stop and step away from it. It’s easy to say but hard to do, particularly if you’ve been eagerly anticipating the play. At the time I didn’t really consider it as an option. Next time (which is hopefully never) I will make that alternative available.
2. If you need to step back, then make a very conscious effort to switch headspaces.  It’s tough to go from D/s back to a more normal power balance. Typically this is a gradual process at the end of a session, so it takes a real effort to change gears quickly mid-session. I suspect getting a glass of water and sitting down away from the play space would help this process.
3. When playing with someone new pay attention to how they deal with setbacks and plans not unfolding perfectly. Reacting emotionally and irrationally is rarely a positive sign. A good domme treats these issues as interesting problems to be solved. A great domme can anticipate them and adjust before they even become an issue.
4. If the worst happens and a session does go bad, expect and plan for a significant emotional reaction that can last for days or even weeks. All those powerful emotion amplifying effects can turn and bite you when the wrong dynamic enter the mix.

I’ll also re-emphasize what I said in my previous post – this session was an aberration. I’ve sessioned a lot over the last few years with several different dommes, and only once had this kind of problem. If you’re thinking of moving from the fantasy to the reality of BDSM, please don’t let this post stop you.  Alternatively, for those already playing, then I found this post and this followup by Clarisse Thorn had interesting suggestions for dealing with S&M play gone wrong. Her comments are more focused around non-professional relationships, where the option to simply stop seeing someone (as I did) isn’t the default.

For an illustrative image I though I’d go with something that looked like an aftercare situation. This beautiful shot is by the photographer Jan Durina.