A post by Ms Justine Cross pointed me at this interesting article on Salon by Tracy Clark-Flory. The article was written in response to one by Katie Roiphe in Newsweek suggesting that women are newly interested in submission because of the greater power and equality they’re experiencing in the workplace. The original Newsweek article stuck me as particularly muddleheaded and I’m glad to see someone pointing that out. However, in the process it does recycle an old stereotype that always annoys me. Namely that male submissives and masochists are typically powerful and successful career people who need to submit in order to take a break from all the high pressure decisions they normally have to take. It’s the cliche of the aggressive lawyer who spends all morning shouting at staff and his lunchtime wearing pink panties and getting caned.
It’s a point of view often heard from pro-dommes (as Ms Cross also mentions in her post), typically meant to describe their clients, but often applied generally to describe male submissives. And I get why pro-dommes say this. It’s a pre-emptive strike against the assumption that their clients (and by association themselves) are weird or misfits in society. Their clients aren’t just average they’re saying, they’re better than average, taken from the winners in society. But understanding it doesn’t stop it annoying me on several different levels.
Firstly, pro-domme clients are a self-selecting group, not a random sample. Seeing a pro-domme regularly costs thousands of dollars. Men who can afford this are certainly not a representative cross-section of society. Secondly, it’s not something I see discussed in non-professional circles. I’ve never seen someone write “My husband used to just want regular sex, but since he got that promotion suddenly he’s insisting I chain him up and pee on him. I like the extra income but I’ve had to spend half of it on leather outfits and a snorkel set”. Thirdly, a lot of kinky people can trace their preferences back to childhood or adolescence. Which means it’s completely unrelated to profession or success, unless you happen to have been a 13 year old investment banker.
Finally, and perhaps most annoying of all, is the implication that only powerful successful people (lawyers doctors, brokers, etc.) have stressful and high pressure decisions to take. Everyone has to deal with those kind of issues in their lives. In fact I’d say trying to bring up a family while working an underpaid job is going to involve a whole lot more stress and pressure than a rich, pro-domme visiting executive has to deal with.
The truth is that kinky people come from all walks of life. There’s nothing particularly special about having an interest in BDSM. Or at least no more so than all the interesting and quirky factors that go into making us who we are.
Given my original prompt for this post was Ms Justine Cross, that seems like a perfect excuse to feature a picture of the lovely lady in question.
This reminds me so much of Mittens Romney’s protestations of the “risks” of being rich in America!
But yes, I totally agree with your point. Thank you for it.
Thanks Ms Naydi. It is hard to muster a great deal of sympathy for the plight of the rich in the US or Mittens, no matter how much they complain about their feelings getting hurt. And I say that as someone who is in that lucky segment that can afford to visit a pro-domme regularly. Somehow, despite my ‘high pressure’ job, not having to worry about making a mortgage payment or how to stretch a grocery budget really helps take the sting out of it.
-paltego
Yay! Thanks for putting this so succinctly; TV shows like CSI actually do a disservice when they portray only rich, powerful lawyers, brokers, politicians, etc., with a submissive streak. What about the mechanics, the hot dog vendors, the grocery clerks, etc.? Are they not allowed to feel like submitting? Is it only an understandable kink when somebody with money pays to have it done?
Of course not.
I do question the popularity of 50 Shades, but only because I found the book contrived and horribly written – which put it just about on par with half the other “romance” novels out there.
But I don’t question the idea that some women might like the control & power exchange aspects simply because they like them, as opposed to liking them because they’re tired of working outside the home.
Great post! Nice to see some brain candy in addition to the wonderful eye candy around here.
Thanks Tom. Glad you liked it.
You’re right about the depiction of male submissives on TV. I can’t think of a single example of a regular guy who is shown as being into kink in a normal healthy way. Either it’s the rich powerful guys who are paying for it. Or it’s weird serial killers who have some masochistic/religious/psychopath combination.
-paltego
High five, paltego! I really liked this post and I completely agree with your sentiments. I, too, have always been annoyed with the “Corporate Alpha Male/Sexually Submissive” stereotype. I think that it does everyone a disservice. I have beaten my share of Wall Street assholes (oh man–you should have heard the Occupy Wall Street quips I used to make in session…and the lectures for tanking the economy, lol), but that type is absolutely not representative of male subs/masochists.
(And as a pro switch, I can personally attest that a lot of those hyper-competitive alpha-males are sadists both in and out of the sack…)
The stereotype also annoys me because I think it tries to provide an “excuse” for sexual submission, too. Like, “I’m the boss at work all day. I just want to not be in charge for a while!” Sometimes clients say that to me, and it aggravates me. Why make an excuse for the way you are? It’s nothing to be ashamed of or defensive about. I tell them: Hell, as far as I’m concerned, your submission is one of your most redeeming and interesting qualities.
I appreciate your final point about working-class people experiencing stress and pressure in their daily lives, too. I think I share your political sensibilities.
50 Shades sucked so badly that I couldn’t read it. Those books are an embarrassment to the Kink community.
Sorry this comment is a little discursive.
Discursive is good. I like discursive. 🙂 And high five right back at you. Although as an Englishman I’m not a natural at pulling off that particular move.
The idea of being ashamed of submission and associating negative quantities with not taking charge is an interesting one. I think there’s a rarely drawn distinction between useful/helpful and being in control. People tend to mash these two things together. Men (to generalize broadly) are particularly prone to mash them together.
People tend to think in terms of duality. In control and directing things = good. That’s understandable, as society needs people with that characteristic. Sitting around waiting to be told what to do = bad. Again understandable, as nobody wants to deal with a wet blanket with no mind of his/her own. But it’s a false division. Submission gets associated with the latter, where really it is (or at least can be, or should be) a third category all to itself.
-paltego
Aw! Thanks for the post and pic! So glad to see this being discussed in an intelligent, kink community. 🙂