Ferns has an interesting post up on the subject of ‘play acting’. By that she doesn’t mean traditional style role playing of the kind where the haughty Lady McFaddleshaw berates and beats Jack, her hapless but handsome stableboy. Instead she’s talking about the traditional dynamic of dominant and submissive and the activities that often go along with that (collars, bondage, kneeling, etc.)
I have some sympathy for the original comment that provoked her post. As an outsider looking in I used to think kink often looked strange. A hot and sexy strange, but still strange. I wondered if it would seem ridiculous in person, and imagined myself bursting into laughter. Luckily that proved not to be the case. Admittedly I have often laughed, but not because I thought we were play acting and it looked ridiculous.
One mistake I think we often make is to divide the world into real versus fake, when in fact what we really mean is familiar versus unfamiliar. In kinky and non-kinky situations we’re constantly projecting different elements of ourselves and censoring our external representation. Yet some situations are so familiar that we do this instinctively, and so begin to think about that as a real representation, when in fact it’s just one we’re very familiar with. Whether we’re at work or hanging out with friends we’re projecting a persona. That changes depends on circumstances and social dynamics, but it’s always there. The dynamics of kink are very different to the typical workplace or home, but that doesn’t make the kinky persona any less real. In fact one might suggest that most people play act their way through their work life, projecting someone quite different to have they actually feel. Yet that projection is so instinctive that it becomes the benchmark for what is ‘real’ and ‘normal’.
The artwork is by Francois Dubeau and you can see more from him on his site and in his store.
Almost any activity will look strange and possibly funny to someone who doesn’t share the interest. After all hitting a small ball with a variety of sticks whilst walking long distances wearing strange clothing is inherently funny but millions of people enjoy golf. With BDSM activities there is the additional factor that non-practitioners find it frightening so it is not surprising that outsiders can find it humorous. And let’s face it some of the things we do are pretty silly even if enjoyable. Unlike yourself I have sometimes found myself laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of the situation. Once whilst being beaten whilst naked and tied in a spreadeagle position I caught sight of myself in a mirror and had an immediate fit of the giggles. Fortunately the Mistress, a lovely Australian lady, saw the funny side too although that didn’t stop her adding additional strokes for improper behaviour. So far after 30 odd years I still find the activities I participate in thrilling and whilst they are quite familiar I don’t want them ever to become part of my normal life as over familiarity would I feel destroy the whole experience.
Interesting that you feel that over familiarity would destroy the experience. Reminds me of an old expression of my mother’s that ‘familiarity can breed contempt’. I don’t think it can be universally true as people do integrate these kind of dynamics into their daily lives, but that’s not something I have experience with. Certainly there’s a trade-off between intensity and frequency. Typically you can’t have them both together on a sustained basis.
I’ve yet to laugh at the ridiculousness of a situation, but I’ve certainly laughed me getting into silly situations or positions. I often laugh at the end of a session when we’re untangling and unsticking things, and everything just seems kind of crazy and surreal and fun!
Thanks for stopping by with such a thoughtful comment!
-paltego