Anyone writing a sex blog has to consider the issues of privacy and anonymity. Just how much do you reveal to the world about your life and what risks are you prepared to take with your real identity? A few bloggers choose to share their identity, most hide behind a pseudonym. Similarly when it comes to personal images, a few post faces shots, but most choose to censor to some extent. There’s a tricky balance to strike between sharing interesting information and creating potential problems for daily life outside of kink.
When I started writing this blog I made a conscious decision on where I was going to draw that line. I definitely wanted to share very personal thoughts, activities and images from my life. At the same time I didn’t want this blog popping up on search engines for anyone looking for the ‘real life’ me. As a result, while I’m safe from family members or employees googling me, anyone who knows me and happened to browse this blog would probably identify me fairly quickly. I think a combination of the about page, the personal snippets that sneak into posts and the body shots of my sessions would be enough for that. I think it’s fairly unlikely to happen, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it did, but it’s definitely a possibility that lurks uncomfortably in the back of my brain.
I was therefore intrigued to see a letter to Dan Savage in a recent column touching on this very issue.
How are you supposed to react to the discovery—entirely accidental—that your youngest brother has a “femdom” relationship with his wife? I stumbled over my brother’s “anonymous” sex blog. It goes into detail about the “domestic discipline” she subjects him to: humiliation, spanking, “ruined orgasms” (whatever that is!), cuckolding. There are no names, but there are pictures. Their faces are blurred out, but I recognize their living room, their bedroom, the necklace my sister-in-law wears, my brother’s chin and hair.
The actual blog isn’t mentioned, but I couldn’t help wondering if it belonged to any of my readers. Or even if it was one of the blogs on my blogroll. If you’re a femdom blogger reading this and have an older brother who has suddenly started behaving oddly and will not meet your eye, then you may have a very awkward conversation in your future. That is if he doesn’t follow Dan’s advice to keep his mouth shut.
There is of course the issue of exactly how the older brother ‘stumbled’ on their sex blog. It’s not the kind of thing one would typically come across via normal aimless browsing. From the letter he seems a little confused about what a ruined orgasm is, so on the off-chance he also inadvertently stumbles onto this blog, I thought I’d help him out. The images below are from animated gifs showing a trio of nicely ruined orgasms. Click through to see the animations on tumblr.
Those who truly know me know who owns me and why, and can figure out the details since – if they’re not in the lifestyle themselves – they are civilized, educated adults aware of the physically possible activities of a romantic couple. Those who don’t know who owns me and why don’t know for a reason: they aren’t mentally equipped to accept it without the possibility of diminishing my status as a person in their eyes, and the possible attendant economic, social, or legal consequences. While my children are themselves adults (and yes they know who the Party of the Second Part and I really are), I would strongly recommend that anyone with minor children not reveal who they really are to ANYONE who isn’t an active participant in their lives and most especially not post about it on social media.
It’s a really complicated area when it comes to minors. I don’t have children, so don’t have to worry about it, but I can definitely see the potential issues that can occur. It’s completed fucked up, and it absolutely shouldn’t be an issue, but there are people out there who will try to make it into one. The same kind of thing applies to some professions. Anyone working as a teacher or any kind of public position is at risk from bigots.
-paltego
Hi Paltego:
Fascinating post. This is why I never post any pictures of Her Majesty and I. I try not to include too many details of our private lives either. Just in case someone stumbles across one of my posts and makes a connection.
Hi hmp,
It’s definitely a fine line to walk when it comes to posts. I think there’s actually a difference between sharing details of your private life (i.e. stuff that you genuinely do in private) and inadvertently leaking information about your public life via posts (i.e. The stuff that would identity you). When I looked back over my posts, I realized it would be incredibly easy for a friend of mine to identify me. The ‘about’ page says I’m English and live in Seattle, which doesn’t narrow it down that much. But when I add in information like the trips I’ve taken, or when I’ve been sick, or when I screwed my back up and got treated, all those things would narrow it down for anyone who knows me well.
For me that doesn’t matter that much. I’m a single guy with open minded friends and job in the tech industry that’s unlikely to be affected. But it is interesting to look at the clues that inadvertently get left in my innocuous looking posts.
-paltego
Hi paltego,
This is an area that Em and I have always felt strongly about. On the one hand, we have a definite line that we don’t cross… call it the edge. We go right up to it, flirt with it, but ultimately haven’t crossed. Like you, I’m sure people knowing us and stumbling on the blog could identify us. A few people who know us know about the blog. And there’s a thrill in being able to expose yourself without shame.
I wonder why our sexuality should even be an issue. Why do we not only have to hide who we are but feel that we must? Who’s qualified to judge us?
I think a world where how we make love was there for all to see would be a more loving and accepting world.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
Hi scott,
I tend to agree, although I think there are definitely some fine distinctions that need to be drawn. For example, I wouldn’t particularly want my site popping up if a work colleague or family member searched for my name. That’s really not about hiding or people judging. It’s just control of information flow. It’s not something they need to see. But when it comes to the ability to share what I want with people who are interested in it, then yes, there shouldn’t be a need to hide. Of course there’s the theory and there’s the reality….
Of course there is an argument that the people that are open about this, the less the pressure for concealment all around. I have a good deal of sympathy for that view.
-paltego