Balance

A few days ago somebody emailed me and asked if I’d written any posts on the psychology of submission. Unfortunately, while I’ve touched on personal aspects of it, I’ve never really written about it in a more abstract sense. To be honest, I lack the expertise to do so. However, the email did send me hunting for people who had the relevant expertise. It turns out to be a pretty sparse space. It seems there’s no end of BDSM porn created, but relatively few people actually studying why people like it so much. Of the few articles I found, by far the best was one called ‘Psychological Surrender‘ by Dorothy C. Hayden. It’s a great article and one that might turn into several posts. For this one I’ll focus on the idea of balance.

Probably the last thing masochism appears aimed at is balance. In keeping with its paradoxical nature, masochism provides not so much a state of weakness, but a sense of surrender, receptivity and sensitivity. Masochism is the condition of submitting fully to an experience, which counters lives that, in our Western society, are ego-centered, constrained, rational, and competitive.

The idea of balance spoke to me strongly. In subspace I feel calm, peaceful and right. It is a sense of balance, but not one that would be recognizable to an outside perspective. I think it’s the difference between balance as equilibrium and balance as stability.

In daily life we constantly strive for equilibrium in all our relationships. It is an endless series of negotiations. To give a very random example – I had dinner with a very close friend of mine last weeks. Someone I’ve known for years. This event involved negotiating the location to meet, the type of restaurant, the start time, the topics of conversation, the wine to order, the appropriate level of information to share, the degree of emotional exposure, etc. etc. I’m not saying that we sat there consciously making these kind of decisions, but at some level that negotiation happened. Each person was striving to balance their needs and deal with the ambiguity of our relationship boundaries. That’s true for almost any relationship, from married couples through friends to managers with employees.

I think the beauty of D/s is that it’s possible to dissolve that kind of negotiation. You’re no longer striving for a ambiguous mid-point, but instead are looking for the permanence of an end-point. In the intense moments of a scene my only job is to exist. To be there for the dominant. To make her happy. In someways it’s a selfish perspective. I don’t have to worry about her opinion, or try to figure out what she wants, because she’ll force it onto me. I can be myself when I no longer have to worry about maintaining my boundaries. My real world persona has a fragility my submissive one does not. D/s offers a sense of balance and of stability, without the need to negotiate a complex equilibrium.

The image was found on the My Inner Domme tumblr. I think it’s related to the clothing designer Fanny Liautard, but my search-fu is weak and I’ve not been able to trace a definitive link.