Stabbity recently put up a post on the well worn expression – “The gift of submission”. This crops up fairly regularly in D/s discussions and I think it’s fair to say that Stabbity is not a fan. She doesn’t like the mismatch between the D/s dynamic and the cultural assumptions that come with a gift. For example, it’s rude to take back a gift, but entirely correct to take back submission should that be desirable and/or necessary.
I agree with her general point, but also dislike the expression as it’s commonly used for a different reason. To me it always seems to have an element of hypocrisy. A gift is given primarily for the benefit of the recipient. I’m not going to give someone a bottle of wine and then expect to be able to drink half of it. Yet submission is almost always about meeting personal needs. Obviously one always wants to do that in a mutually beneficial relationship, but it’s rarely a case of being singularly beneficial for the sake of the domme. In fact, of all the situations where the enjoyment is unevenly distributed, I’d bet that the vast majority skew to favor the submissive. Beating a kinky partner when you’re not really into it is being GGG. Beating an unwilling partner because you’re kinky is abuse.
Despite all these problems, I would like to reclaim or recast the expression. For me when I think about the gift of submission, I think about it being a gift to myself. I’m not sure how I ended up wired as both kinky and submissive, but I do now appreciate that it happened. For many years I compartmentalized that side of myself, treating it as something distinct from who I actually was. Acknowledging it and incorporating it into my life certainly hasn’t made my life simpler, but has made it far richer and more interesting.
In contrast to the standard usage of the phrase, which paints submission in an altruistic light, I’ve often been tempted to see it as a selfish trait. That it’s a flaw in me that will put additional demands on a partner. Thinking of it as something that I’ve been given, as a gift that gives me unusual yet desirable characteristics (plus a rich source of NSFW anecdotes), helps me fight that negative view. It’s not quite a superpower, but it can be a complex-yet-beneficial power.
The image is by JSV Photography. He has a blog here, including this entry on the above photograph. He also has an eBook of bondage for those of you into beautiful women in rope. I originally found the image on the Redhead with a Riding Crop tumblr.
“For many years I compartmentalized that side of myself, treating it as something distinct from who I actually was.”
Classic case of ‘The Divided Self’ as illustrated by Laing. Been there done that.
Laing of course deals with people in whom this kind of schizoid reaction leads to acute mental distress and madness. But most of us live it in a minor way.
“Acknowledging it and incorporating it into my life certainly hasn’t made my life simpler, but has made it far richer and more interesting.”
And I would venture to add ‘whole’ and ‘authentic’. As far as I’m concerned it’s a healing process.
I could write a lot more about this, but that’s enough for today.
As for submission being a gift – I think that’s just the wrong metaphor to use. D/s is basically a subset of the superset ‘relationship’ where giving and receiving are a two-way street.
The D wants to be needed, the s needs to be wanted.
My Mistress uses an even better image – the Moebius strip.
I completely agree on the idea that D/s is just a subset of ‘relationships’ where giving and receiving are a two way street. I was going to add a section on how ridiculous it would be if we talked about vanilla sex in the same terms. If a woman was talking about the gift of her vagina or a man about the gift of his penis we’d think they were crazy egotists. Yet somehow it seems to be OK for the ‘s’ part of D/s to use those terms.
I also agree that most people live with some minor division and compartmentalization in who they are. Degrees matter. I keep meaning to read up more on Laing and write a proper post on it. One of these days I’ll get time…
-paltego