I’m going to do something fairly foolish in this post and disagree with someone who doubtless knows their business far better than I do. Not to mention someone who lives locally, swings a mean single tail and could almost certainly kick my ass. I’m talking about Domina Victoria Rage and her recent post on safety and screening when setting up pro-domme sessions.
There’s a lot of good information in it, but I do have to take issue with her suggestion that clients should always use aliases. She goes onto say…
Come to me with a real sounding first and last name and that’s a red flag that you might take my privacy as lightly as you’ve taken your own.
There’s no reason on the planet why personal information should be exchanged on either side, anything you say is a gamble because both of you – just by seeing each other – are in a position to do damage to the personal life of the other.
Anyone I session with, or even just meet, will know my real name. I’ll typically provide it in the first few exchanges of emails. And a domme who expects me not to do that creates a red flag of my own. It suggests to me that she’ll not take my privacy seriously and that the onus is on me to always guard information from her. I’m absolutely sure that’s not the case for Domina Victoria, but I would find it really weird to not use my real name with a domme when I’m trusting her in so many other ways during a session. I would feel inauthentic.
While using an alias is pretty much universal for pro-dommes, it’s certainly not for clients. Some dommes demand a photographic id before a session, or will take credit cards, which instantly rules out fake names. And personally I don’t buy the argument about creating risk to personal lives. I’d be much more worried about crazy ex-girlfriends than pro-dommes. The former typically know your social circle, know your intimate sexual secrets and may have nothing to lose by spreading gossip. That’s a scary mixture. In contrast a pro-domme sharing information risks her professional reputation and therefore her livelihood. She has a strong incentive to keep information private. I’m not saying it has never happened, just that as things to worry about, it’s way down my list.
As an entertaining side anecdote on identify and verification – I once had someone complain that my professional linked-in profile didn’t have enough contacts. I had a 100 or so listed, but she said she preferred to see 200+ before she trusted it! This was someone I’ve never mentioned here, and someone who crossed a few of the legal lines that pro-dommes are typically so strict about. She was therefore far more concerned about legal entrapment and demanded strong proof of identity before she’d meet. I was highly entertained by the fact that my long neglected linked-in profile might suddenly be a kinky sex deal-breaker. I wish I’d know that when I was busy deleting all their spammy emails to update it!
I’ll leave you with a shot from Domina Victoria’s blog. I love the contrast of the white skin, the red nails and the big glorious cock.
Greetings,
In this particular matter I humbly agree with Domina Victoria Rage. The question at hand is not whether you can trust her or she you, but of others in either her or your life. For example, do you know that she does not have an estranged significant other out to do her harm or a jealous stalker? Does she know that about you? She suggests that the use of an alias and of a ‘burn’ phone implies reasonable protection for her from others in your life.
I read her to say that, in the adult entertaiment business, it is the use of a ‘real’ identifier that must be explained rather than the use of an alias.
Peace,
Pat
Hi,
True, there might be crazy people around. But what about the lifestyle domme I meet from the collar me site? Or the kinky top I meet up with at a munch? Or pretty much any one I meet associated with BDSM? Do I need to have a fake name for them as well? They all might have crazy stalkers. Do I have to create a fake personae to have any kind of interaction with people in the BDSM realm? And if not, why is a pro-domme different?
It’s true that almost all workers in the adult entertainment business have a ‘stage’ name. But that makes total sense. They have a public presence to maintain, a need to separate work from their private life and a job that involves them meeting and interacting with lots of people. But my BDSM experiences aren’t my work or my entertainment, they are my private life.
I think if someone is the classic married guy with a family who is seeing a pro-domme secretly then Domina Rage’s advice makes absolutely perfect sense. But for someone who is semi-out or just doesn’t have those kind of secrecy issues, it seems a little odd to say that person raises a red flag.
Anyway, as I said at the top of the post, I’m probably foolish to disagree with someone who knows her business as well as Domina Rage undoubtedly does. I’m sure dealing with angry wives is no fun and providing basic advice on how to maintain sensible communication boundaries is doubtless a good thing to do.
Cheers,
-paltego
I did not read Mistress Rage’s post, but, in my experience:
the dommes I know and work with are paranoid about meeting (and getting raped/assaulted/murdered) by some psycho Craigslist killer. That is why some of them refuse to work outside of a commercial dungeon–it pays a lot less, but offers more security. Going to meet a complete stranger at their house or hotel room–or even hosting them in your own studio alone–is a very scary experience.
I understand why clients would be paranoid about sharing their identity with a domme, or any sex worker. I truly do. However, in 99% of cases, the domme has ZERO interest in compromising or blackmailing a client. All she wants to do is protect herself from 1) violence and 2) arrest.
Men, the clients, are worried about being blackmailed or exposed, or MAYBE arrested. This almost never happens. Women are worried about being robbed, ripped off, raped, or even killed. The risks of client and domme are NOT comparable.
Hence the screening process.
I do not think that most men appreciate the (completely appropriate) fear women deal with when meeting strange men in these situations.
Thanks paltego. Good read, as always.
I completely agree. Which is why I was little surprised to see the use of a fake name not only encouraged but suggested as the sane sensible thing to do. It would seem to make screening harder. Obviously a client can maintain a consistent alternative identity, must as a domme does, but that still makes screening harder than a consistent true identity.
Mistress Rage’s post wasn’t specifically about the screening process, but was more about ways to maintain a separate identity and avoid being ‘found out’ by others. Personally, I’ve never felt at risk from exposing my identity to a pro-domme. And I’ve observed the kind of stink that gets kicked up on the very rare occasions that there’s some suggestion that a clients identity might have been compromised. There’s really no comparison in my mind between the risks a client takes (real name or not) and the risks a domme takes.
-paltego