This is a post about semantics and definitions rather than hot femdom action. That might sound a touch dry, but language shapes how we think, and writing about the language and labels of kink helps me understand my own kinky nature better.
The trigger for this was a post last week entitled Inadvisable advice and a followup comment by Grumpyoldswitch. I’m not going to repeat it all in detail here (feel free to follow the links), but the crux of it revolved around autonomy, free will, power and control. What do you give up in a BDSM scene and what makes a scene exciting? I originally stated that I never gave up autonomy in scene and the commenter suggested that I did or at least pretended to. He felt that doing so, and being dehumanized in some way, was attractive and what a lot of people looked for. So what does a submissive give up in a D/s interaction?
Power and control are two obvious things that are relinquished. It could be simple, like the power to talk and move around. Or it could be more complex, like the power to make certain decisions or behave in a certain way. So does autonomy and agency go hand in hand with this? After all, if I don’t have control over my body, and I can only make narrowly constrained choices, do I really have autonomy? I would say the answer is a very firm ‘Yes’.
The definition of autonomy is the freedom to choose one’s own actions. As Wikipedia puts it – it is the capacity of a rational individual to make an informed, un-coerced decision. That means that any relationship where someone loses autonomy is automatically an abusive one. That is an important line to draw. I might only have one decision available to me – the option to shout ‘STOP’ – but with that decision all my power must come flooding back to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 1 hour scene in a dungeon or a 24×7 D/s relationship. The ability to step back and renegotiate is an essential one that should never be lost.
So what about pretending to lose autonomy? That’s where it gets interesting to me, as I think that’s what BDSM play is often about. Some people fetishize the activites themselves. They love bondage, or spanking, or whatever. But for a lot of others, including myself, the activities are a means to an end. They’re a way of creating a D/s dynamic. By emphasizing all the decisions I can no longer take the illusion is created of a loss of autonomy, where in fact it has just being temporarily stripped back to its bare minimum. When I’m busy being the best damn coffee table I can be, then I don’t have to worry about anything else, and it’s easy to pretend that the option to just not be a table doesn’t exist.
This image has been cropped but I believe it’s originally from My Slave Life. I found it on the Consensual Spanking blog.
But what if one lives as a slave 24/7 where one has given up the right to safe word? Am I automatically abused by losing autonomy? I think not.
I’m very happy giving up the right to a safe word to my love partner. I made that decision, not her. This isn’t some drunkish decision I’ve done with a one night stand. This is a seriously weighted decision I’ve done with a woman I’ve loved and built a VERY trusting relationship with for many years.
Would you call me abused, without any other information about my life? I think that’s a rather naive conclusion. Abuse is fucking complicated, and so are BDSM dynamics. It isn’t so easy to go all reductionistic on their asses.
Regards,
Slavenized
That’s was an interesting comment. So interesting in fact that I turned the response into another post! So see my next post for a detailed response.
The short answer is that I think you are retaining your autonomy. You exercise it by choosing to remain in the relationship and give your partner control. In a scene with someone new then a safeword is the mechanism typically used to regain control. It’s a very clear and unambiguous. That obviously doesn’t apply to this kind of 24×7 dynamic, but that doesn’t mean the equivalent of “Hey we need to stop and talk, because I have issues” doesn’t exist. Or at least I hope it exists! I think it’s intrinsically true that consent can only come from autonomy.
I guess another way I think about it is that autonomy doesn’t automatically mean all decisions are freely made and un-coerced. It just means that there must be at least one decision available like that, and that decisions restores control over the others.
-paltego