Sheryl Sandberg (the Facebook COO) has launched a campaign to ban the use of the word ‘bossy’. There’s a website and a video that features famous women such as Beyoncé and Condoleezza Rice. The reaction from the press has been varied, with a few positive articles (like this one), but a much larger number of negative ones. Some of those have been reasonable, and instead wanted to reclaim the word, others have been so stupid I think I killed braincells just reading them.
Personally I like the campaign. Although I don’t think it matters if the word gets shunned or reclaimed. History has shown plenty of successful examples of both cases. I just like the fact that it’s being discussed and people may become more thoughtful of how language can shape expectations or behavior. In my part of the business world, even ‘boss’ doesn’t really get used these days, except perhaps occasionally in an ironic context. People are described as managers or leaders, all words with positive associations. The word ‘boss’ has a negative edge, and the word ‘bossy’ is both negative and highly gendered.
Of course, wearing my kinky hat (handkerchief? handcuffs?), I’m a big fan of the type of woman that might occasionally get labeled today as bossy. Anytime I hear someone describe a female friend as bossy my ears perk up and I start making subtle inquiries into her dating and relationship status. It’s up there with feisty, aggressive and intelligent as great trigger words to pitch to me on any attempted blind date set-up.
This forceful and articulate woman, shown here demonstrating a strong leadership role in her relationship, is from the Subby Hubby site. I originally found the image on the CFNM classics tumblr.
Paltego, one reason I like your blog is that I never know what I’m going to get when I drop by.
Female executive/boss-from-hell is a pretty common roleplay scenario at my dungeon. Depending on the age/demographic of the client, the scenario can go several ways, but the older guys always want to be put in their place for sexual harassment and “taught feminism.” It”s horribly un-PC, but I have fun with it.
Finally, I hear the word “boss” used in the vernacular frequently. It’s never a job title anymore, of course, but say “I need to ask the boss” or “I’m in trouble with my boss.” This is mostly in the service industries, though, and working-class people.
Thanks for blogging!
Well I always aim to keep it varied and interesting, for my own sake as much as my readers!
I’m not surprised that’s a fairly common roleplay. Power differentials are so often fetishized (teacher/pupil, nurse/patient, boss/employee, etc.)
As for boss, the word is not entirely unusual for me to hear in some contexts. But as in the examples you gave it tends to be ironic, or used to provide a particular emphasis (e.g. “I need to ask the boss” typically means “I can’t do this and I’m trying to invoke a authority figure to make it clear I’m not the person to argue with”). It’s rarely used (in my world at least) in a straight sense of describing a working relationship.
-paltego
Im happy to say that this campaign has not surfaced in the UK
What a stupid idea. Who is going to police the embargo and what are the penalties for its use.
Any other candidates ? Personally I think the word “BUT” should be banned because of its sexist associations with a certain part of the human anatomy.
I think you misunderstand their goal. They’re not trying to make it illegal or create some sort of rule. They’re asking people to think before the use it and to make a personal choice to avoid describing young girls as ‘bossy’. That seems a pretty reasonable ask to me. Unfortunately a campaign entitled “Please make the person choice when talking about women and particularly young girls to ban bossy from your vocabulary” doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. 🙂
-paltego
Ouch. Post like this remind me how messed up it is to be into femdom and yet be against feminism at the same time…. I mean , both sex have their own issues worth fighting for but trying to ban the word bossy is pretty ridiculous to me.
See some of my other comment responses about the ‘ban’ aspect. Words undoubtedly shape how people think, and I think it’s clearly broken if there’s a disparity in how the genders are treated when they show leadership/organization characteristics.
It is reasonable question to ask are the organizers spending their time and money wisely here? Are there more important issues to tackle? But given it’s their time, and their money, and they’re women who have grown up experiencing what it’s like to be on the receiving end of bossy comments, I figure they should get the benefit of the doubt.
-paltego
Thank you (again) for posting, Paltego … You’re a gem … and so is you blog.
I’ve witnessed this before:
Every time, after such obnoxious and toxic human folly rears it’s ugly head in ye goode olde US of A and after gaining sufficient momentum … the UK and the Netherlands start fighting it out for being infected second or third … And very soon after, Scandinavia and the north and northwest of Germany will succumb as well.
But there is hope for the strong(er) individual: Forewarned is forearmed!
Don’t we all agree? From random femdom lovin’ anti feminist dudes to maso-submissive females in executive positions and all lovely and lovin’ pervettes and perverts in between?
We can and we will steel ourselves against such mental quackery and psycho garbage.
Enjoy your weekend. I know we will, over here 🙂
Marga
Hi Paltego:
Her Majesty often describes herself as “bossy” but she means it in a positive way. When she posted a little advice on my blog to submissive men in search of a lasting relationship with a dominant woman she said: “She has to have the makings of someone who can be bossy and not feel guilty about it.” I think she was referring to the fact that many women have the ability to take charge but are hindered by the negative impression society has of women who assume a dominant role. They have it in them but bringing it out pushes a “guilt button” implanted by society.
While some may want to get rid of the word because it conjures up negative patriarchal stereotypes, “bossy” is a quality we submissives value and actively seek out in a partner. Unfortunately, some of my submissive male friends in the dating pool report that, though there are many take charge women in the world, they seem to prefer being on the bottom in the bedroom. They may walk talk act and dress like dominants but when it comes to sex they prefer to be “taken”. I know I am skating on thin ice here with all these sweeping generalizations! Where is that disclaimer again? LOL!
The word “bossy” does carry negative connotations but the sting can be removed by relabeling a “bossy” woman as “take charge” or a “strong leader”. So many of these conversations seem to revolve around semantics.
This was an interesting discussion. Thanks for sharing. Time to go bring Her Majesty coffee in bed! 🙂
Hey hmp,
Thanks for dropping in to comment. I think it’s good if Her Majesty can reclaim the word and use it in a positive sense. And I think you’re right about the ‘guilt button’ that often gets implanted by society by using terms such as ‘bossy’. I’ve heard some women describe themselves as bossy in a kind of rueful and apologetic way. Almost as if they’ve been told it lots of times, and they’re sorry about it, but they can’t help the way they are. Guys typically don’t get that kind of negative feedback. And I’ve never once heard a guy describe himself as bossy in a negative way.
I’ve experienced similar things to your submissive friends in the dating pool. At least a couple of relationships have gone South after someone I thought was pretty forward and aggressive turned out to be a bottom in the bedroom. Which is a perfectly fine way to live life, but it doesn’t make for a good match with me!
-paltego
lol, this idea is so insane it almost makes me wonder why didn’t they come up with it in our glorious european union 😀
It’s basically social engineering! The language was created by people to express reality the way they perceive it – I agree with you, that “language can shape expectations or behavior”. So why deform this function violently? Why should anyone (a government, a person, a corporation, whatever) have the power to change our language just because they simply don’t like it and think they know better? I see oppression in this initiative, not in the word bossy. Even negative words have their purpose after all – to express negative things. You simply can’t get rid of negative things by denying people from expressing them. This is of course a subject to individual opinion, I personally prefer freedom of choice and naturalness over violently enforced equality.
And I agree with the first random dude that being into femdom and yet against feminism feels weird 😀 But I think sexuality shouldn’t be mixed up with politics, especially since sexuality is a matter of individuals and politics of whole society.
By the way, have you read Orwell’s novel 1984? The ban bossy initiative kind of resembles the concept of newspeak (it works in the same principle). And unfortunately this isn’t a unique incindence nowadays…
I think we both agree that language shapes expectation and behavior. I believe it shapes the way we think. But I can’t agree with you on the rest of this. In terms of enforcement by government or ‘violently enforced equality’, I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. I don’t see anyone here asking for laws or threatening violence if they hear the word bossy.
People can and do change our language all the time for the better. Think about racial epitaphs for example. Go back 50 or 100 years and look at the language used to describe anyone who wasn’t caucasian. I’m just reading a book on the US civil war. You can probably imagine the horrible things said about black slaves, on both sides, from all levels of society. But at some point people started saying this was unacceptable and not the right language to use. Even today there are still a few racist fuckheads who didn’t get the message, but society as a whole is a damn sight more thoughtful about such matters.
The same thing has happened with homosexual slurs. Yes, people can and still do use ‘gay’ as an insult, but it’s a lot rarer because people spoke up.
Yes, negative words are used to express negative things. But it’s rarely that simply, and the issue here is the discrepancy between the genders. If people consistently described boys and girls as bossy when they were being controlling in a bad way, and consistently described them both as good leaders when they were being controlling in a good way, then nobody would have an issue here. It’s the discrepancy this group is highlighting and asking people to think about it.
They could ask people to use the word bossy equally for both genders, but that’s a complex thing to argue for with a fuzzy message. Given that there are lots of good non-gender specific words to use in place of bossy, it makes more sense to suggest people stop using that word. Or at least think twice about the message they’re sending by using it.
And yes, I’ve read 1984. There’s a big difference between the Government mandating language on pain of, well pain, and individual groups in society campaigning about how language is used. People raising awareness of the implications of using certain words of phrases is a big part of a healthy functioning society from my point of view. Doesn’t mean that everyone who does so is right and their opinion followed of course!
-paltego
Correction:
“… such obnoxious and toxic human folly rears it’s ugly head …” should read:
“… such obnoxious and toxic PC folly rears it’s ugly head …”
I shouldn’t type when somebody is talking to me.
Marga