This has been a depressing week for me for a number of reasons. Some of those I can’t share here, but the one I can share is a big one: Lydia is retiring. Regular readers will be aware that Lydia is the domme I’ve played with for years and has been a big part of my development both as a person and as a submissive. I’ve documented a small fraction of our play on this blog (for example here, here, here and many more). Amazingly she was actually the first pro-domme I ever played with, almost 6 years ago now, and we’ve got together for 2-3 hours every couple of weeks ever since then. Hearing that she planned to retire, and possibly leave Seattle, wasn’t entirely surprising but it really shook me up.
From a purely selfish and practical perspective I’m going to miss the joy of playing with her. She’s without doubt the most talented domme I’ve ever interacted with. In what is literally hundreds of sessions that we’ve done together, I can’t think of one time where it felt like we were repeating something or simply going through the motions. Every time I stepped out of my clothes, and went to meet her naked and smiling, it was the beginning of something magical. Certain activities formed common starting points – piercing, corporal, bondage, breathplay – but each time she’d take our play in some new exciting direction.
Emotionally it has hit me pretty hard. Partly because I’m not sure how to process it. I’m not someone who ever had a problem with the professional boundary. I’m not saying I’d have turned down the chance to make it a non-professional relationship, but that was never anything I expected or particularly hoped for. I just enjoyed the relationship for what it was. Now its ending I don’t have a natural way to move through the change. I end other professional relationships all the time, but my realtor or doctor hasn’t spent hundreds of hours with me in very intimate and intense sexual situations. The closest analogy I can draw is to losing a very close friend. Someone important to you and who knew you in a way nobody else did, is suddenly no longer going to be in your life.
Fortunately there a few weeks left before she hangs up her whip (as a professional at least), and I have the chance to play with her a couple more times. It’ll be kind of strange. I almost didn’t want to play again at all. But given all the fun we’ve had together, it seemed like it’d be silly not to enjoy our last opportunity. I’ve never yet cried in a session, no matter how hard the beating. I’ll be kind of ironic if I end up crying when the beating stops.
Awww, paltego, this post really touched me!
My sympathies: the loss of a relationship this intimate (and it IS intimate, even though it was professional, as you noted in your post) is painful. I expect Lydia will be grieving the loss as well. I remember my best clients and the times we had together very vividly, and I miss them (hopefully I can reconnect with them when I get back to NYC).
The relationship dynamic between prodomme/client is (or can be) unique. I think the only thing that remotely compares is therapist/patient or, if you’re a religious person, maybe clergyman/member of the congregation. There is no professional relationship that is more intimate, not even professor/fave grad student.
(As an aside: my psychologist at my college in grad school, of whom I was very fond & admired and bared my soul and all my secrets to, died suddenly on an airplane. It was a freak death–nobody saw it coming. I was stunned, even though I didn’t know her on a “personal” level, and her loss left a void in my life. I don’t wanna make this comment about ME when we’re talking about YOU, but I bring this up because I think it’s germane.)
Enjoy Lydia (I know you will!) while you can be with her. I think perhaps a ceremony, some sort of acknowledging ritual in your final session might make it easier to process the loss? When I quit at my commercial dungeon in NYC, I had special “last sessions” with my fave regulars, for both our sake.
I am betting that Lydia would make up something super special for the two of you for your last time together!
I am sorry for your pain.
Margo
P.S. : Just a thought…maybe she could leave a permanent mark on your body…? Doesn’t have to be a tattoo, if you’re not a tattoo guy. A tiny scar, maybe? Something to mark the occasion, and that you could always touch and remember your time & journey together?
Thanks Miss Margo. I appreciate hearing your thoughts on this.
It’s kind of odd that I hadn’t realized how unique the relationship dynamic was until this point. Emotionally it has hit me much like the loss of a close friend or the end of a romantic relationship. Yet it wasn’t either of those things (although I’d like to think we were/are friends), so it’s kind of a mind fuck.
I’m not sure what we’ll do as a last session. I’m not sure if it’d be easier to process if we made it more normal or if some sort of ritual would help. I can be a pretty emotional person, so I suspect whatever we do it’ll end up being a bit teary at the end.
Funnily enough I actually do have some permanent marks from her on me. There’s a tiny line of white scars from a cell popping session we did years ago. They’re really faint, and I’ve no idea why they didn’t heal when everything else did. So I’ll always have those at least.
-paltego
I’ve been trolling the BDSM blogs for some time; and this is the first posting I have read that impacted me emotionally. I empathize with you. I feel bad that you are losing a person you admire and respect via a means that is not fatality.
It’s hard for me to process as well. My loses are small, did I have the night I had hoped for? My wife is my Domme. Now I have to entertain the prospect of a permanent loss; something that had not until now entered my psyche.
Trust that I am with you brother; and apologize that I have nothing to say that can retrieve you from your morose. Just know that I am thinking about you, and we have not had the pleasure of acquaintance.
Toby
Thanks Toby. I appreciate both the comment and your thoughts. I’m sure I’ll work through, it’ll just take a little while.
-paltego