In the early years of this blog there was a fair amount of discussion, in both posts, links and comments, about the validity and authenticity of professional domination. Some maintained that the financial aspect always made the D/s dynamic inauthentic. A few people even held that pro-dommes were a significant negative influence on kink and femdom and the community would be better off without them.
Over time that kind of discussion seems to have faded. Possibly I’ve convinced people that while the professional aspect certainly makes a difference, it’s not the defining characteristic or necessarily a negative one. Possibly everyone who argued otherwise has got fed up and gone elsewhere. Maybe I’m just more sure of myself and therefore less likely to take offense and pick an argument.
If I was still regularly engaging in that kind of debate, then I’d certainly want to highlight a post (from 2015) by professional disciplinary Dana Kane on her relationship with one of her playmates Paul. It’s entitled ‘Can I come to your funeral?‘ and, as the title suggests, it’s both a powerful and emotional one. It covers both the development of their relationship and what happens when Paul becomes ill. It’s tricky one to summarize beyond that, so I’m not going to even try. Just go read it. I think it does show what a caring person Ms Kane is, how important kinky relationships can be to people, and also how complex and conflicted they can potentially be.
This image is of Dana Kane spanking Michael Darling for the Dreams of Spanking site.
Dammit, I was having a good day, and now you’ve just sunk that for me.
Dang, that was terrible.
Sorry to bring you down. It was obviously a depressing end to their relationship, but I did find the start and growth of it quite life affirming. Certainly a complex situation, if ultimately a sad one.
-paltego
Not so much about Ms. Dana Kane, but the I have some comments about being a pro domme.
I have been pretty much a long time kink/sub. My impression of the those women in the profession who are the “real deal”, (there are many who aren’t) as a group is that: 1. they are always quite intelligent.(surely above average) 2. They are genuine kinks themselves who have discovered their own sexuality usually after their teen years. 3. They are very comfortable with their themselves and their profession. 4. They have vivid imaginations. 5. They often build serious relationships (including marriage) with one or more of their subs. 6. Because of their genuine BDSM professionalism, they are, more often than not, financially pretty well off as a group.
I personally find them all interesting as people too.
I partially agree with these. Obviously we’re generalizing here, as there’s a big wide world of different people out there.
For (1), (3) and (4) I think that’s absolutely true. Of all the successful dommes I’ve played with, they’ve all been smart, confident and creative people.
For (2), I’m not so sure. There are definitely very successful pro-dommes out there who are vanilla or even subs in their private lives. I’ve also talked to several dommes who described tying boys up and bossing other kids around before they ever hit their teens, so kink isn’t necessarily something that hits late.
For (5) that definitely can happen, but I certainly wouldn’t say it was ‘often’. I suspect the number of pro-domme’s who have married subs they met as clients is a tiny fraction of the pro-dommes out there. Building serious professional relationships is one thing, but transitioning a professional relationship into a non-professional one is something else.
For (6), I guess it depends on what you count as financially well off. Compared to minimum wage in America, sure. Compared to what a lawyer or a dentist or a West coast software developer makes, I’m not so sure. Clients often complain about the hourly rates, but whenever I’ve done the maths and included things like equipment and dungeon rental, it seems like clients are getting the good end of the deal.
As for being interesting people, absolutely. They have to manage a small business, deal with complex physical/sexual situations, handle the psychology of clients and integrate it all into a world that doesn’t treat sex workers well. I have endless respect for anyone who can pull that off.
-paltego
A Pro Domme is no different than all other people. Some are genuinely wonderful people, while others are the exact opposite. Those who care for others, and those who don’t. I could go on and on.
Diane
You’re obviously correct that there’s a cross-section of the population to be found in the pro-domme community. Some are wonderful and some less so. However, I think if you narrow the conversation to successful pro-dommes, then as Stuart said, there are some common themes. For example, I’d say that every successful pro-domme I’ve interacted with has definitely been above average when it came to intelligence. Similarly, I don’t think you can be a successful domme without a creative streak.
Much like any profession I guess, there are certain skills and traits that make someone successful. And, as you suggest, these are orthogonal to the character, integrity and worth of the person themselves. In Ms Dana Kane’s case it would seem she falls more into the wonderful people class, based on her posts 🙂
-paltego
I met Dana Kane once and had a delightful time with her. She is a loving and caring person.
From everything I’ve read, you’re not alone in that observation. She seems like an amazing person. Glad you had such a good time with her. And thanks for taking the time to comment on the post.
-paltego