Contacting a professional domme I’ve not talked to before is always an interesting experience. There’s a surprising degree of variance in the process. Some dommes are immediately chatty and responsive, others assume I’m a time waster until proven otherwise. Sometimes there’s a lot of protocol, other times it’s a more relaxed and casual discussion. Deposits may or may not be required, as might a telephone chat. Some dommes want lots of detail on my interests, experiences and limits. Others save all that for when we meet in person.
There’s one phrase that occasional pops up in the initial emails that always makes me smile. The wording can vary, but it’s generally something like – “Describe how you want to serve me.” I totally get why this phrase is popular – it emphasizes the power dynamic and makes it clear who is ultimately in charge of what happens in the session. At the same time it does wake up a couple of contrarian personalities that lurk within me.
My practical inner engineer wants to reply that I can only serve someone if I know what they need doing at this particular point in time and how my skill set might mesh with that set of requirements. So maybe if they send their list of problems and I send my list of skills, maybe we can figure something out? I’ve never succumbed to my inner engineer because I fear the problems will turn out to be a dirty car and being insufficiently rich, and I’ll end up paying $300 an hour to scrub brake dust off a dommes hubcaps.
My snotty inner brat wants to reply that I’d like to serve her by dragging my middle-aged out-of-shape ass to her well equipped play space so the skilled and attractive domme in question can greet me in one of her exciting fetish outfits. Then I’d like to continue serving her by exploring together some of the kinky activities that I most enjoy. Finally, I’ll complete my service by getting dressed and going home to collapse on the couch with a glass of wine while she clears up the play space. Needless to say, my snotty inner brat is never allowed anywhere near a session negotiation.
Like I said, and sarcasm aside, I do understand the motive behind that expression. I just find that in emphasizing the fantasy, it actually highlights how far a typical professional session can be from it. In the vast majority of cases it’s service topping, not service bottoming.
Here’s a man selflessly serving by allowing himself to be tied up and have his cock played with by a naked lady. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
Interesting. I’ve sent emails to Dommes new to me at least 50 times, maybe closer to 100, and I’ve never gotten that wording back. I try to give them the broad outlines of the type of session I want and they sometimes answer back something like “tell me in more detail things you like to do in session”.
I can’t say it has been a majority – or even a large fraction – of the dommes I talk to. But maybe 2 or 3 times I’ve seen variations on it now from different dommes. Most do follow the format you describe though.
-paltego
The Awful Truth: Prodomming is usually proTopping. I mean, you try hard to keep the fantasy going: “You’re going to give me exactly what I want out of that cock!” while you give him CBT, but, let’s cut the shit, it’s what he wanted all along.
I think the exceptions are when you get to know a sub and you can make demands on him that are unpleasant to him or not on his agenda, or push him limits just a little bit past what he finds comfortable. Ex “If you want to serve me, you’ll take ten more, just for me,” even though his butt is already hamburger.
Food for thought.
Thanks for writing.
Yes. I was careful to say the ‘vast majority of cases it’s service topping’, because there’s some wiggle room there. Although it’s a very small amount of wiggle room!
I try and put as much flexibility as I can into my sessions when I’m playing with someone I know well. I’ve had situations where I’ve suggested beforehand we do some X, and then on the day the domme isn’t feeling like X and wants to do Y. I’m fine with that, as well as acting as a test dummy when dommes want to try out something new or practice a technique. But as long as that booking dynamic of paying money for an agreed time and activities exists, its hard to not think of it as service topping.
-paltego