This Frisky interview with Joanna Angel annoyed me. Her stated goal of creating toys more appealing to kinky dabblers is a good one. But then we get to her advice for beginners, which contains the following…
Some people make it out like you really need to plan this shit out and really discuss it, like, I don’t know, do you really need a safe word with your partner? It seems like everything has to be so formal.
To which I’d say “Yes Joanna. If you’re going to bind, gag and beat someone, which is what your toys are designed for, you’d better fucking discuss it first. And when you’re just beginning to explore kink, that’s absolutely the time you need a safeword.”
Ironically, given her claim, I rarely feel the need to agree a safeword when playing with professionals. They know how to read me and can tell the different between “No (but do it some more)” and “No (my back is playing up and I’m reaching my limit).” Playing with a novice, who might be unsure exactly how hard she can push, and doesn’t have the technique to smoothly escalate intensity, is exactly the time you need a clear communication channel. It’s reassuring to both parties if there’s a magic emergency button always available to push.
This rather beautiful image comes from a tweet by mrunderheel. Despite his gag, they look like they’re in a happy space for communication. I love her smile and the marks on his body. Sadly I don’t have an original attribution for it. Amusingly, when I do a reverse image search on Google, the only thing it suggests is that a related search term is ‘fun’ and then it gives me the Merriam-Webster definition for ‘fun’. It’s both very wrong and very right all at the same time.
Going with the “for beginners” angle I kind of agree with Joanna Angel on this one, even though you are absolutely right (there needs to be a way to back out of a scene, and discussing your needs beforehand is always a good idea).
For many beginners, “no” is good enough a safeword and does not carry the baggage of explaining the safeword concept to the less experienced partner.
If one wants to introduce kink into a relationship with a non-kinky person, I think one has to be aware of one’s “communication budget”. If your kink is not consensual non-consent, then you can go a long way without even mentioning safewords.
I agree that ‘No’ or ‘Stop’ can be good enough. Personally I use plain English when I play. But you at least have that discussion that beforehand. Which is essentially a safeword discussion. If the output of that safeword discussion is “We’re fine with just using Yes/No/Stop” then that’s great, but that’s still an agreement on what stops the scene. Joanna’s comment seems to boil down to “Do you need to plan or discuss or pick safewords ahead of time?” Which seems broken.
When it comes to a communication budget, I know what you mean, but I suspect that understanding of safewords at this point is fairly universal. Pretty certain I could ask any of my non-kinky friends, and they’d still know what a safeword is. So I’m not sure you burn up a lot of budget by raising that topic. But I have to admit I’ve relatively limited play with neophyte kinksters and a lot with very experienced professionals, so my view may be unfairly skewed.
-paltego
Bahahaha: I was looking at a dodgy ‘femdom training’ site earlier and found this blog post. I *knew* it was stolen, so did a quick search. And here we are…
I don’t think you care, but if you want the name of the site I have it.
And FWIW, I agree with you. I find resistance to safewords strange. Just fucking have one.
If you say ‘no’ and they stop that’s cool. If you say ‘OMG MY WRIST!!’ and they stop that’s cool too. Having a safeword doesn’t somehow mean you can’t keep doing that.
But I just don’t see any logical reason not to have ‘red’ as another option. Like… are you somehow gonna ruin everything if you have it just in case? It’s a weird take.
Ferns
Hold on. You’re saying you found my post somewhere else, and didn’t immediately think “Oh, this is clearly paltego’s inimitable style. I would recognize his writing anywhere.” I’m hurt. 🙂
You’re right, I don’t care particularly about the site. Assholes on the internet stealing stuff is pretty much what I expect. However, I am kind of curious what it is. Spammers and content farms intrigue me both from a personal and professional viewpoint. Can you share it via email or here?
And yes, on the actual post topic I agree, it’s not an either or proposition. I typically just use regular English to communicate any issue I have when playing. But I like the fact I can always just yell “Red” or “Safeword” and know it’ll be followed. I think the issue with beginners isn’t so much if you use a specific safeword or not, but to force an initial conversation about it. Making sure everyone is on the same page (or as close to it as possible) before the cuffs and floggers come out can never be a bad thing.
-paltego
“I think the issue with beginners isn’t so much if you use a specific safeword or not, but to force an initial conversation about it”
100% yes on this.
Th fact that the post was supposedly written by a female dominant but clearly wasn’t fuzzled my brain: I’m SURE I’d have recognised you in it if that hadn’t happened… :P. I’ll DM you on the twittah with the site.
Ferns