Mentioning Dan Savage in yesterday’s post prompted me to go and catch up with the latest entries in his advice column – ‘Savage Love’. It’s an entertaining column and his answers are frequently funny and insightful. Even the comments, normally garbage on any popular mainstream public forum, can be thoughtful.
For kink lovers his column from a couple of weeks back, entitled Working the Kinks Out, was particular relevant. Of the three kinky folk featured, the letter that caught me eye was the third one on the page, sent by a woman married to a submissive man. She didn’t fancy ‘squeezing into an uncomfortable corset and using a flogger on him’ so allowed him to see a pro-domme. Now she’s upset that he’s going too often and spending too much money. Dan’s answer is a fair one, but I think it’s impossible to judge the situation without a hell of a lot more context than the letter gives. What really piqued my interest was the comments that followed the column.
As you’d expect the comments covered a lot of viewpoints, but a common one was that she should stop complaining and start hitting him. The reasons given ranged from being GGG, being financially smart, learning to like it, not being selfish and it’s easy once you try it. I’m all for more women topping and playing the dominant role, but I can’t help feeling that these comments overlook the complexity of D/s play. I wonder if they’d say the same kind of thing if the husband were dominant and wanted to tie her up and beat her? Would they suggest a non-submissive should just suck it up, stop being selfish and take the punishment? I doubt it.
Submission is often treated as something fixed, an in-built need that must be satisfied. Conversely dominance is treated as an act or activity, an option that can be turned on or off. I understand that coming from a vanilla perspective (nobody wants pain, but anyone can choose to inflict it), but it doesn’t make sense from a kinky background. Dominating someone is a very complex dynamic, and scenes can create a lot of powerful emotions. Nobody should feel they have to tap into that kind of energy if they don’t want to. I don’t know where the wife in question chose to draw the kinky line in the sand, but I do think she can’t choose to be dominant anymore than he can choose to not be submissive.
Given the letter writer seemed unhappy about using a flogger, this seemed a particularly apt picture to use. This lady certainly doesn’t seem unhappy about her flogging options. This is from a 2012 Divine Bitches shoot with Phoenix Marie and Parker London.
Good post! I’m also a big fan of Savage, and I think his advice is usually bang on the money, but you’re right – the comments on that post are quite uncomfortable. Especially the people who are saying “well, she should consider it like she’s being paid $200 if she does this for her husband” – not everyone wants to be a professional sex worker, or would be comfortable thinking of their private sex life in those terms.
GGG goes both ways – I think the original solution the couple hit upon (pun definitely intended) was pretty good – he gets what he wants and she doesn’t have to do things she’s really uncomfortable with. Sounds like she was pretty GGG. But if someone’s being giving and game, that doesn’t give you the right to completely take the p*ss.
This is something I’ve heard from a few people before, particularly when I was quite heavily into the kink scene. Some people ended up doing things they weren’t particularly comfortable with, because they’d started off being ‘game’ then their partners had escalated it until they were well out of their comfort zone. I don’t think this is Dan Savage’s fault, but I think there are quite a few people who need reminding that there’s always an element of compromise when your sexual tastes don’t match exactly, and that means you have to be considerate of the other person too.
Thanks. I think your comment about the money aspect hits the nail on the head. And even if she adopted that point of view, who would want a sex life (on either side) where one of the partners is counting the dollars saved with each lash of the whip? I’ve endless respect for sex workers, but pushing your wife unwillingly into that role is not a great basis for a happy marriage.
Compromise is tricky, as it’s one of those things that’s almost always necessary, but always hard to define. What’s GGG, what’s too much, and what’s grounds for divorce? I suspect the comment writers would not have been so quick to suggest she should just do it if it was an activity they’d not be willing or interested in performing. Given she suggested he see a pro-domme I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on the GGG front, as that’s already a fairly significant step that I think many married women would be uncomfortable with.
-paltego
Hi Paltego:
Fascinating topic. As someone who has done a fair amount of seducing women into dominance I basically agree that you can lead the lady to the toys but you can’t make her play.
Interesting to note however that what a married woman gets out of dominating her husband is not so easily quantified and does not necessarily relate to her getting turned on by the physical activities involved. She may find she enjoys the romantic devotion and emotional attachment he feels for her as a submissive if she can find a way to meet him half way.
My heart belongs to she who wields the whip and while I am willing to compromise and be patient eventually the rubber must hit the road…the lash must hit my butt ..whatever.
How does a wife feel about her husband having those feelings of devotion and subbie attachment to another woman? It is a rare lady who can successfully share her husband with another woman. Might it not be beneficial for the marriage if hubby were to instead re-direct his devotion back towards his wife? She might want to reconsider reviewing the emotional dynamic of D/s and the romance it can bring to marriage.
Compromise may also be in order on his part. Is her not wearing a corset really a deal breaker? It’s unrealistic to expect the same things from our wives we would from seeing a pro. What activities would she be comfortable with and would he be willing to settle for those?
This is a very a complex subject with lots of moving parts. But yes at the end of the day if the stiletto boot really doesn’t fit she can’t wear it.
Thanks hmp. I was hoping you’d stop by to comment on this, as it seemed to be a topic you’d be well qualified to speak on. As you suggest it’s a complicated area. When it comes to the letter itself, I really wish there was a lot more detail. It’s impossible to tell if it’s a case where he’s demanding an unreasonable experience or if he’s willing to compromise and she’s refusing to explore further. Similarly, without knowledge of their finances, it’s impossible to tell if him spending money on pro-dommes is reasonable or not. I just found it fascinating that so many comments suggested she should just suck it up and do it. Somehow it doesn’t seem quite that simple to me, although I wish it was!
-paltego