I was surprised to see a very well known domme state (on twitter) how much she hated the term ‘play’ when it related to kink and femdom. It’s a term I never used in my early days of kinky exploration – because that was such super serious stuff – but it’s one I’ve come to use and like a lot.
I should say out of the gate that of course femdom can be more than just play. It can be a major part of a relationship, a 24×7 dynamic, a way to modify behavior, an ethos, etc. But let’s face reality. The majority of lifestyle femdom activity and almost all of professional femdom activity is a form of play (from the client perspective). And that’s absolutely not a bad thing.
The Oxford English dictionary defines play as – “Engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.” I think most people’s lives are full of serious and practical activities. Going to work, maintaining a house, caring for a family, paying bills – these are all serious and practical activities. Don’t we deserve a break to enjoy some recreation? And what could be more recreational than pulling on fun outfits, tying people up, teasing their erogenous zones or blowing their minds with intense sensations? There’s a reason pro-dommes use sensual, sadistic and playful to describe possible session dynamics and not words like serious, practical and sensible.
I don’t have a problem with someone wanting to get more out of a femdom dynamic than kinky fun times. I love reading about couples that have taken it beyond that level. But given a world serious lacking in fun, and a culture that has some seriously messed up views on sex and kink, why be against the idea of kink as play? Admittedly, sometimes it can be intense, crazy and freaky, but that doesn’t mean it’s not play.
Here’s a somewhat literal representation of play and femdom. This is from Underling.
I agree, play is the perfect word to describe my activities. I do it for fun not as part of a philosophy and I enjoy it immensely so why not call it play. I have on occasion been reprimanded, sometimes quite brutally, by some Mistresses because I am smiling or even worse laughing whilst they do their thing, but i can’t help it partly because of the incongruity but mostly because I’m having a great time.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a session where I didn’t laugh at some point. Normally it’s towards the end when everything is winding down and the ropes are coming off, but it can be anytime. I don’t think I’d get on well with someone who reprimanded me for it. Although I always warn up front that I like to play with a positive happy energy, so it should never be a surprise!
Glad to hear I’m not the only one who sees it as play and appreciates it in that way!
-paltego
I like the term ‘play’ for BDSM activities.
If anyone says ‘no because srs bzns’ or something, I point to the analogy of ‘playing sport’. When someone ‘plays’ football, tennis, golf, whatever, it can be fun and light and frivolous, or it can be a super serious intense experience, or it can be something that people will make the focus of their lives. But we still say they’re ‘playing’ sport.
I really don’t know what the alternative terms are. Scene? Like, we’re actors in a movie now? That seems even less serious. ‘Session’ is primarily for professionals. So what’s left?
BUT having said that, it makes no sense to call my broader relationship dynamic ‘play’ any more than it makes sense to call anyone’s relationship ‘play’. It’s not ‘play’ when the man in a relationship makes decisions for his family, why would it be ‘play’ when a woman does it? That’s just silliness.
Ferns
I kind of like ‘scene’. It adds a nice air of drama in my mind. Although I still think of playing within a scene rather than scene being a directly swappable term. Session does have a professional slant to it. One schedules a session and stages a scene.
The sporting analogy is a good example of how play can exist at different levels. Although in that case the use of play seems more tied to the idea of playing a game, rather than play in the sense children use it. i.e. Creative, recreational, entertainment for it’s own sake. I kind of like that sense of play, even for very intense scenes. There goal is the play itself, not a bigger picture.
I definitely agree on the relationship dynamic. That’s why I wanted to call that out early on. I think if the original twitter comment had been about that angle it would have made sense to me, but it was professional domme talking about the general idea of play. Which seemed really weird, given the dynamics of 99.9% of professional sessions.
-paltego
For a while I visited a lovely Mistress in Paris, whose English was better then my French (which, in various school scenes, She worked hard to help me improve) but strongly accented.
One time, Her live-in submissive was ill and She greeted me at the door with “Ah’m sorry, Ah cannot play with you today”. I rather liked that (the phrase, not the delayed session although I admire Her standard of care for Her sub).
“Play with” has a different conotation from “playing sport”, perhaps, still more… well, playful. But I loved it.
I can picture that scene. It’s a charming phrase in that context. Although I think the original phrase I remember from childhood was “I can’t come out and play today.”
I like the sport analogy for the complexity it suggests. But I generally agree that when I think of play I think of a more child like interpretation – undirected and without an imposed structure. Playful. Fun. Probably ending in tears.
-paltego