I generally don’t indulge in kinks tied to my traumas. Most of my kinks come from a positive dynamic, although it might not look that way to an outsider. I desire to be controlled, objectified, to please, to suffer for her. Not having to think, to be a plaything, is a very relaxing space for me.
In contrast I react very negatively to being bullied or humiliated. As an unworldly book smart skinny geek from a poor family, I got plenty of that when I was at school. I had many tough years of bullying, and have no desire to revisit them. Even just pulling my hair or slapping me a certain way in a scene can trigger a strong negative emotion.
Yet oddly, I can kink on the abstractions of that dynamic. Humiliation, bullying, anger and abuse can be hot in porn or art. I find that odd. For example, I really like the image below. Yet I’m sure I’d hate to roleplay that in a scene. Why does the image work but the roleplay not? Is that because I just haven’t yet fully come to terms with my traumas? Is art a way to work through them gradually? Or is it because the abstraction of art allows me to selectively pick up on the elements I like while not pushing my emotional buttons?
This is artwork from the Rockstar game Bully. I found it – along with some other similar examples – via this tweet.