I was sorry to see that Ms K has decided to retire from professional domination. I’ve never met her – it has been many years since I returned to the UK – but from her blog posts it was clear she was a thoughtful and conscientious pro-domme, and it’s always a shame to lose someone like that from the profession. I found her follow-up post listing some of her reasons for stopping a thought provoking one.
I was finding it hard to reconcile being the Dominant woman I am with feeling a sense of having to oblige those subs who were paying for my time, with things they enjoyed even if I was beginning to find those things less interesting …[snip]… I gave up as I only wanted to play with subs prepared to do it my way.
Ms K
All jobs require compromise at some level. It doesn’t matter if you’re the founder of a start-up or a cog in a big corporate machine, there are always trade-offs to make and boring tasks to complete. Yet most jobs don’t have the idea of dominance and control at the heart of them. As a software developer, I might not like every feature I deliver, but there’s no conflict with my inherent software developeriness. The same can’t be said for a dominant doing something she doesn’t enjoy. What does a domme do when the demands of the business contradict her reasons for doing it?
Professional domination is frequently described in a derogatory fashion as service topping, and that’s something that annoys me twice over. Firstly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with service topping. Making someone happy and delivering a great experience is a wonderful thing. I don’t think anything less of a chef just because she decides to cook professionally. Secondly, I think both service topping and ‘true domination’ (whatever that means) can occur in both professional and non-professional relationships. Money is only one aspect of many in a relationship, professional or otherwise. But I have to agree that it can be a particularly gnarly aspect to deal with.
It’s also a problem that cuts both ways. As a submissive I don’t want someone simply running through a list of activities with me. I want a dominant who is enjoying what she’s doing and expressing her natural creativity as we play. Specifying a ‘to do’ list runs counter to the D/s dynamic, but several dommes I’ve played with in the past wanted exactly that. I’d guess that was partly to make their lives easier, and mostly because too many clients in the past started with “Oh you can do anything you want to me Mistress!” and finished up with “Well I don’t like that, and we didn’t do this, and why this? That wasn’t what I wanted.”
It’s my personal suspicion that the most financially successful pro-dommes are those who can get personal satisfaction both from one-off service top type sessions and from building longer-term relationships involving more D/s elements. I’ve also anecdotally observed that a lot of pro-dommes start with a lot of the former and evolve towards the latter as their careers and interests progress. It strikes me as a pity that both dommes and clients aren’t more open about the distinction between the two approaches. Everything gets lumped under domination, when in fact that’s simply a catch-all for anything under the BDSM and fetish umbrella.
I’m afraid I don’t have any images of Ms K to use (her website has been taken down), so I’ll instead go with another retired pro-domme, the legendary Isabella Sinclaire. It was originally shot for bootlovers.com.
WOW! I have that picture in my collection. I wanted to use it on my blog a few times but I didn’t because I had no idea where it came from! Bootlovers is a great resource and Isabella Sinclair was a beautiful Mistress! Thanks for putting a name to a lovely face and an awesome pair of boots! 😉
I completely agree with what you said about “service topping”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Pros provide a valuable resource to the community. Not all (or even most) male subs are lucky enough to be in femdom relationships. Sounds like more of that tired old pro vs. lifestyle argument. Please wake me when it;s over…..
Glad you liked it hmp, and happy to put a name and source to it. I’m sad that I never got a chance to session with the talented Isabella Sinclaire.
When it comes to service topping, I’m not sure it’s even strictly aligned to pro vs lifestyle. I’m sure their are lifestyle relationships where the play is more service top than D/s. Nothing wrong with it either way. I think it just gets interesting when there is a misalignment, as Ms K seemed to find with a lot of her clients.
-paltego
Miss K wrote:
“I was finding it hard to reconcile being the Dominant woman I am with feeling a sense of having to oblige those subs who were paying for my time, with things they enjoyed even if I was beginning to find those things less interesting.”
As a professional dominant woman myself, I’ve often heard this complaint from my colleagues and never really quite understood it. Why would a prodomme accept a session request from someone whose scene she’s not interested in? Miss K writes bitterly about being “dumped” by or “low priority” for her clients but doesn’t appear to take any agency or control for herself. Why can’t *she* dump a client who is no longer interesting to her or whom she feels mistreats her? Instead she lets those bad matches drive her out of the business. Score one for the wankers!
In some ways, I consider my own practice that of a “service top” inasmuch as I craft sessions based on a client’s interests, though I only see clients whose primary interests align with at least one of mine. On our session day, what they want to do may not be exactly what I’m in the mood for, but I’ll still enjoy it. It’s kinda like going to my favorite restaurant and realizing that I’m craving a cheeseburger that’s not on the menu: I’m still gonna find something to eat that I’m psyched about — after all, it’s my favorite spot!
Miss K: ” I have kept two subs who genuinely will let me do as I wish without agendas and lists of expectations and requirements ”
I don’t get this either. If a prospective client came to me with an agenda or requirements (?!?) that don’t fall in line with how I prefer to do things, I’d tell him to go see someone else. Maybe a first session, I’ll indulge, say, a wardrobe request, but there’s rarely a second request for such things because … well, I like to think it’s because he realizes that costumes don’t make the scene. The domme does. And that things are just better when I’m calling all the shots.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting Miss Orleans. I think that could be the longest comment I’ve ever had!
I obviously can’t speak for Miss K. I’ve no idea if she’s even aware of this blogs existence. However, I do know the part of the UK she lives in. I worked there when I was just out of college, and it’s by no means a bustling metropolis or kink hotspot. To be frank, it’s a scattering of picturesque villages in the middle of nowhere. From her other blog posts I believe she moved there to look after her Mother as she recovered from illness. So I believe the problem comes down to one of scarcity of clients and opportunity cost.
There isn’t a huge number of potential clients in the area, and there isn’t a huge amount of money in the area. What I take from her posts is that if she’s as selective as you suggest and as she’d like to be, she doesn’t make enough money as a pro-domme. If she sees enough people to make it worthwhile continuing, then she ends up seeing people she doesn’t enjoy playing with. And by operating a standard open session scheduling policy, she limits her opportunities to make money doing other things.
There’s also the problem of London, which is just a couple of hours away by train. It’s really unlikely that a submissive in London is going to spend hours on a train heading into the sticks to try a new pro-domme out when there are dozens of great ones in the capital itself. But conversely, it is likely that a submissive in the country will have the occasional weekend in the city. Particularly if the only local pro-domme doesn’t want to dress as you want or doesn’t want to cater to your particular role-play ideas (if you’re that kind of client).
Anyway, as I said, I don’t know Miss K or speak for her at all. I’ve just read her prior posts and have a little bit of insight into the part of the world she’s been temporarily forced to locate to.
-paltego