I’ve been pondering on pain in recent days. What draws some people to it? What makes a masochist and why do other people find them so strange?
I think if you asked most people why they didn’t like pain, they’d assume you were crazy. It hurts. What else is there to say? However, when I look at how people experience pain in everyday life, I suspect that it’s not the sensation itself that’s the primary issue. Instead, it’s the fear and uncertainty that comes with it. Sure when you hit your thumb with a hammer there’s that brief flash of agony that temporarily blocks out coherent thought. But after that, as it subsides to a dull throb, what stays with you is the uncertainty. Have I fractured something? Did I damage the nail? Is it going to swell up? Will I need a trip to the ER? It’s a similar story with chronic pain, like a bad back or a damaged ligament. The pain might be manageable, but what stresses people is the lack of control. They don’t know when it’ll stop, when it might flare up, how much it might impact their daily life.
It’s hard to find examples of pain in normal life that doesn’t have this element of fear and uncertainty. However, there are a few – working out, eating spicy food or playful biting and scratching during sex. The sensations here are often painful ones, but are not described that way. There is no fear or uncertainty, the situation is a controlled one, and therefore the perception is a much more positive one.
When discussing masochism there’s often a lot of talk about wires getting crossed in the brain, as though there’s something fundamentally different about masochists. I wonder how true that really is. Growing up I was never particularly interested in pain. What fascinated me was exchanging control. Pain seemed like an interesting way to emphasize that exchange – I can hurt you and you can’t stop me – but it didn’t seem like an end in itself. It was only when I got physically involved in BDSM that I began to think about it differently. The very safe and defined limits of a play session allowed me to experience the sensation of pain, but divorced from the negative connotations it usually has. I began to explore and appreciate the sensation both in its own terms and as a tool for play.
I therefore wonder if there are a lot of other people out there who would be masochists, but never have the chance to find out. Is appreciating pain perhaps something not inherent in certain people but – at the risk of sounding like a cross between a Bond villain and a Cenobite – just something that needs to be cultivated? People can learn to appreciate oysters and good wine. Maybe nipple clamps and leather floggers are a similarly acquirable taste.
I’ll leave you with a couple of shots from Divine Bitches of Mistress Madeline helping somebody cultivate their own particular palette for pain. If he hasn’t developed one already, this looks like the perfect time to start.
Hi, Paltego!
Great subject for a blog post–pain is a subject near and dear to my heart. Dominance and submission certainly turn me on, but at my core, I’m all about about the pain. That’s why I identity as a sadomasochist. I couldn’t devote myself to a top who wouldn’t beat me. Conversely, I get bored fast with subs whose bodies I can’t play with.
Men look SEXY when they’re enduring pain! Look at those Divine Bitches pics you posted! YUM!
And I’ll tell you what: it really is the damndest thing. I’ve spent YEARS in analysis and personal reflection trying to figure out why I like pain so much. Unfortunately, I still don’t have an answer. I do agree that’s it’s not a matter of “wires getting crossed in the brain”–if that were true, science would know it by now. It’s a taste. A cultivated taste.
After all, no masochist gets off on getting their hand slammed in a car door, or a migraine. The ones I know are very picky about the pain they enjoy. Very specific types of pain, in very specific circumstances…and administered by very specific persons.
And ever tried to enjoy pain AFTER you’ve had an orgasm (or three)? Ha! Forget it!
Anyway…cool blog post, Paltego! And pictures! Mistress Madeline is sooooo awesome! I like Claire Adams, too. MMMMM Claire Adams. My hero!
Hey Miss Margo,
Thanks for the long and interesting comment.
A lot of people seem to spend a lot of time trying to figure out the why of masochism (as you have), and I tend to think it’s an impossible task. Why have I always liked steak, have grown to love the taste of oysters but can never develop an appreciation for liver? Who knows. I think there’s a random element of pre-disposition involved, a large element of cultivation and a catalyst that leads people to start that cultivation process.
Context as you say is very important. Although for me the context is less the type of pain or the circumstances, but more the person and the dynamic between us. The type of pain mostly affects how I process it and therefore the amount I can take.
As for pain after orgasm, yes I definitely know that feeling. Lydia (my regular domme) likes to prod and tease after the event. Pulling needles out is also a favorite trick after I’ve come. I’m way more sensitive then, but I can still get some pleasure from it. Mostly thought it’s just pleasure from watching her laugh and enjoy how incredibly tender I am!
Glad you enjoyed the pictures as well. I like Claire Adams as well. I should dig some shots out of her playing for a future post.
-paltego
Great post! Thanks. I’ve really enjoyed your blog over the past few months and try to see it a few times a week.
I really enjoyed this post and agree with your “wires getting crossed” thoughts. Plus Miss Margo’s comments about the specificity of pain and its cultivation ~~ particularly as it applies to sex are right on.
I also think in some ways pain, especially when it is controlled whether by me or someone else I trust, is a bit like cutting (or scarring or piercing, or, or, or) in a very transcendent sense as it works to relieve stress and remove us from a present situation.
Thanks WW. Always nice to have some new drop by and give some positive feedback!
Definitely know what you mean about pain sometimes being transcendent and removing stress. My favorite description along those lines was that it’s a way to take a holiday from your brain. I can really relate to that. Sometimes it’s just the intensity that stops all thought and sometimes it’s the slowly building intensity that pushes you into floaty subspace.
-paltego
Excellent post! It makes me realize how little I’ve managed to understand my relationship with pain. When I was younger and played sports, I loved the satisfaction of the dull pain of a good workout. Now, I don’t work out like that anymore, but I feel the same after a good electro session where I’ve been struggling really hard. That’s my “hurts so good”.
The pain of a good corporal session, I despise, yet need, all at the same time. If I don’t get beaten every few months or so, I start to get irritable and stir-crazy like a vanilla person not having sex for a few months.
I think you’re right about mainly enjoying the power exchange, because lately I’ve enjoyed topping more than bottoming. Mainly, because it hurts a whole hell of a lot less! But I can’t get away from needing to be worked over from time to time.
And now you can see why I give up analyzing myself!
Thanks Roberto. Glad it provoked some thoughts.
I know what you mean about going stir crazy and needing it after a while. Nothing quite scratches the itch like some intense pain. I have way more kinky encounters than vanilla ones these days, and after too much vanilla sexual interaction I tend to be – “OK. That’s enough sweet. I need some sour!”
-paltego
Pain is definitely a cultivated sensation after many a good play session. I’m glad you mentioned it as an element of femdom and bdsm relationships. I don’t think one needs analysis or other therapy if the feeling is right!
Thanks dave. Judging from the comments it looks like I caught a common feeling here about the cultivation of sensation and pain. It’s interesting to hear my thinking isn’t out of line with how others like yourself experience it.
-paltego