During my web wanderings over the weekend I came across this insightful post from Mitsu entitled “Lessons I learned as a dominatrix: 10 things that don’t exist.” It’s a thoughtful list and any one of her points could have formed the basis for a follow-up post. However, I’m going to pick the first item on it: There’s no such thing as intimacy without vulnerability.
Sometimes, a client would come to session with me with his heart set on having the amazing kinky experience he’d always dreamed of, but it would end up disappointing because of something I had no control over: the walls wouldn’t budge. He wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what he really wanted. He wouldn’t be able to let go, of his ego perhaps, and let the scene happen.
Mitsu
As Mitsu goes onto say, this need for vulnerability and lowering your guard is a key part of any intimate relationship, not just a BDSM one. It’s something that rarely gets addressed directly. People come at obliquely, talking about sharing, trust or communication. But the heart of it, something necessary for all those things, is taking a risk and making yourself vulnerable.
The interesting thing I’ve found about doing BDSM scenes is that they can be a two way street when it comes to vulnerability. It’s necessary to let go to make them work, but the scenes themselves can also help you to do that. Pain and psychological stress can put a lot of pressure on any cracks the submissive wants to expose in their personal walls. It’s hard for the ego and super-ego to do their stuff when basic fight-or-flight impulses are ruling the roost.
One of the most powerful moments in any of my scenes came at a moment when I was feeling supremely vulnerable. I’d been in a bondage chair for a couple of hours, watching Lydia at close range, face to face, as she tortured me. I was bound but exposed, pushed deep into sub-space as she caned my inner thighs, applied clamps and zapped me with electricity. Towards the end she applied a number of viciously sharp clips across my body and then stepped back to watch as I struggled to breath through the pain. My thought process was long gone, there was really no me there, just a lot of pain and Lydia. As I stared up at her she came to me and gave me a gentle hug. It was a beautiful moment, comforting and reassuring, and I emotionally dissolved in her arms. Then, still holding me, she slid her body along mine, dragging the clips back and forth. I just about died. That little moment of vulnerability and intimacy combined with the sudden savage pain of the moving clips still gives me a shiver when I think of it today.
Image of intimacy was found on the Girls Rule, Subs Drool tumblr.