Stabbity over at Not Just Bitchy has me reaching for my keyboard again. A couple of weeks ago her comments on force in a scene triggered two different posts (here and here). This time it’s her provocatively titled Pro-doms V’s Lifestyle doms post. In this particular case I find myself violently agreeing with part of that post and incredibly puzzled by the rest of it.
The part I violently agree with is that pro-doms and lifestyle doms offer different things. That’s clearly true. A few scheduled hours of very focused intense play is nothing like a natural evolving organic relationship. Even if you play with the same domme very regularly (as I do), it’s not an approximation for a lifestyle interaction. The relationship you create may be a very positive and real one, but it’s established on an entirely different basis from a lifestyle D/s one and grows differently because of that. I also agree that the guy who expects a lifestyle relationship to play out like a 24×7 fantasy fulfilling professional session is an idiot.
Where I find myself confused by Stabbity is when she then goes on to divide men up into two very different groups…
If what a guy really wants is a dominant girlfriend, he’s not likely to have a lot of interest in seeing pro doms. Not getting to build a relationship with them would be a deal breaker, not a selling point. On the other hand, someone with an extremely demanding job who just doesn’t have time for a relationship but wants to get his kink on isn’t likely to get what he wants from a lifestyle dom.
Stabbity in Pro-doms V’s Lifestyle doms
I can’t speak for all submissive guys, but that perspective does not reflect either my own or the one I see most guys describing. It suggests that the two experiences are so different that it divides submissives into two distinct and non-overlapping types. I think it’s much more of a continuum than that, and that the differences between pro and lifestyle play do not manifest themselves in that way.
To draw a rough analogy: Some men only want sex in a committed relationship. Some men only want casual sex and wish to avoid relationships. But some men (a lot in my view) would be happy to have casual sex while they search for the right relationship. If they haven’t found Miss Perfect they’ll happily fool around with Miss Fun and her attractive sister Miss Available. Particularly if that fooling around doesn’t stand in the way of searching for Miss Perfect.
It’s certainly possible to build a relationship with a pro-domme. It’s also certainly not the same as a lifestyle relationship. And that is not a deal breaker for a lot of guys who’d like a lifestyle relationship because playing with a pro-domme is goddamn fun. I’ve had some of the best and most intense experiences of my life with them. I’m kind of hoping that doesn’t cross me off the dating list for any dominant women out there.
Given the topic of discussion it seems only appropriate to feature a photograph of a pro-domme. This is Mistress Ella Kros. If you’re anywhere near Tel-Aviv her session information is here.
Great post! I totally agree with your points made. 😉
~ Vista
Thanks Vista. Glad to here I’m not entirely off-base here!
-paltego
Huh, you just exposed a really interesting assumption I was making. Personally, I’m becoming more and more interested in d/s and having my own personal submissive, to the point where I’m just not interested in casual play. If I can’t get the d/s I want, having a semblance of it is so unsatisfying that I’d rather not play at all.
I was making the assumption that most men felt the same – that if they couldn’t have the cuddling on the couch watching a movie as well as they kink, just having the kink would feel flat and hollow.
It was sloppy of me to assume it’s strictly one or the other. There’s no reason a guy couldn’t see prodoms while continuing to look for Mistress Right. It’s probably even wise to see one to keep from going all sub frenzy over a potential girlfriend you don’t want to scare off.
As for lifestylers not wanting to date someone who has spent a lot of time with pros, I can see how that would be a problem for some women who’ve been burned by jerks who happened to see pros, but the real problem there is being a jerk, not seeing pros. By being a jerk, I mean comparing her to pros he’s seen in the past, wanting her to do things the way a particular pro did, hounding her to buy/wear particular fetish wear, freaking out when she fails to project a properly dominant persona every second of every day, etc. If a guy isn’t a dick about it, I don’t see why it would be a problem.
Hey Stabbity,
Thanks for the follow-up comment.
I suspect that in reality there’s a really broad set of desires, mapping in all sorts of interesting ways to different types of relationships. I’m sure their are some who feel exactly as you do and only want the complete D/s package or nothing. There are no doubt others that ultimately want that, but are happy to play with pro-dommes and meet at least some of their needs while they look for Miss Right.
I also believe there are some who want to compartmentalize their relationships and kink. They like really intense scenes in the bedroom but don’t necessarily want that to spill over into ‘regular’ life. For them a pro-domme might actually meet their kinky needs. They’d no doubt prefer a relationship that had kinky play in it, but that’s more a sexual preference than a relationship one.
The notion of working out sub-frenzy is a good one. Personally I’ve found seeing pro-dommes to be very educational. I’m much more aware now of how I work and how I relate to BDSM. It’s certainly made me a better submissive and potentially (I hope 🙂 ) a better partner.
-paltego
Hi paltego & stabbity,
Recently I’ve been reconsidering why someone would go to pros on a regular basis and have begun to consider that what a particular pro might offer a particular client might be unique in itself. This falls mostly in the zone of physical masochism and bondage. An experienced pro often has lots of experience with particular practices and is equipped for them. In a budding lifestyle relationship there might be impediments to doing these things. One might not have the space or experience for a signal whip scene or suspension or sleep sack sensory deprivation. Some people may also compartmentalize their emotional needs and there kink needs. I haven’t gone to pros in years but when I was first interested in BDSM and was essentially unpartnered, going to established pros was a way for me to validate my interest in certain practices.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
Hey scott,
I think there a lot of good reasons for visiting a pro and equipment, facilities and a specific set of rare skills are certainly amongst them. I should probably write a post on the subject. Pro’s can also be good educators and are a low risk way to add a third to a scene. I suspect the stereotype of the snarling whip mistress actually puts people off involving them in situations where they’d actually be helpful. Of course cost is another big factor in that.
-paltego
Why didn’t you post a pic of a lifestyle domme as well?