When a Scene goes Wrong

Kink Academy has a decent article here on what to do – or not do – when a scene goes wrong. The basic message is communicate, don’t blame and don’t forget the aftercare. All solid suggestions.

One ‘don’t’ that I’d add to that list, particularly for dommes, is don’t get angry. Faux anger in the context of a roleplay is obviously fine. I’m talking about losing your cool because the equipment isn’t working, or the subs body will not cooperate with the position or you can’t get the rope just the way you want it. I totally understand the desire to get mad in these situations. I curse like a sailor if some fiddly thing I’m trying to do isn’t working out. However, in a scene that’s all about the giving and taking of control, a domme that loses her own self-control is a red flag for me. I want her to be in charge, not her temper. If she can’t control that, then I don’t feel comfortable with her controlling me.

While I’m sure many dommes would love to grab particularly annoying submissives by the throat, this isn’t a recommended approach to resolving issues in a scene. I dug this image up via on an old tumblr archive, but some research took me to it’s source – a staging of Märta Tikkanen’s book ‘Men cannot be raped’.

Out and About in Paris

To continue my celebration of Summer, here’s one final post on the theme of ladies enjoying their lunch al fresco. This is, of course, the unforgettable Mistress Iris, dining in Paris with her gimpy. Her beauty and grace will turn heads at the best of times, but I suspect this dining excursion probably turned ever more than usual.

This image was sourced here from the twitter feed of Mistress Iris. You can find her professional site here, her Patreon here and her OnlyFans here.

Boring Lady Cafe

Continuing the theme of outdoor cafés and ladies taking an afternoon aperetif, here’s some fun artwork by Amlensky. I’m not quite sure why he chose to call it the Boring Lady Cafe – it looks anything but boring – but I like the playfulness of it. The tip or spank option is a nice touch for the waiters.

You can find more of Amlensky’s femdom artwork on DeviantArt or at his Patreon.

Morning Coffee

The weather is currently warm and pleasant in Seattle, which means I can take my morning coffee sitting outside a local café. It makes for a nice change, even if the litter and occasional drift of second hand weed smoke spoil it somewhat.

Miss ExtraVaganza has had a similar idea, but is pulling it off in a far more spectacular fashion. That’s a stunning outfit, which coordinates beautifully with her surroundings. No wonder she’s attracted a worshipful servant.

Miss ExtraVaganza is a Miami based pro-domme. This was sourced from one of her tweets.

Threads

My recent post on Meta was timely, given that they’ve just launched their new Twitter competitor, Threads. Thanks to Elon’s best efforts to run twitter into the ground, Mark Zuckerberg obviously see this an opportunity to spread his data grabbing tendrils even further.

I think it can only be seen as bad news for kinky people and sex workers who use social media. As I wrote before, Meta is famously anti-adult content. There’s zero chance that the kind of adult content I follow on Twitter is going to be allowed on Threads. Users and advertising dollars flowing to it, combined with Elon’s incompetent Twitter leadership,  could end up driving the only adult ‘friendly’ social media site out of business. The idea of Elon Musk losing a ton of money because of that is highly entertaining, but not so entertaining I think it’s worth losing Twitter over.

If you are thinking of signing up for Threads, be aware of the degree of data mining that Meta do. They’ll look at anything they can find – contacts, cell location, wifi networks, account data – to try and build their graph of the world. While you might want to keep kinky and vanilla accounts separate, their goal is to connect everything they can about you, which can lead to very bad outcomes.

To finish a gloomy post, let’s use a happier picture, featuring a very different kind of rope threads. This is from another social media site that fell on hard days – Tumblr. More specifically it’s from the Dudes in Distress tumblr, which is still around but hasn’t been updated in 6+ years.

Be Yourself

Podopheleus has written an excellent blog post on the importance of being true to yourself when sessioning with a pro-domme. Drawn from his own experiences and missteps, it has a bunch of good advice and is well worth a read.

My personal learning has been that it’s important to be clear in your own mind what aspects of the dynamic are negotiable and which aren’t. What you can’t negotiate you either need to make peace with or walk away from.

For example, the activities you do and the general dynamic of a scene should always be things you can discuss and adjust. If humiliation is a hard limit, then negotiate that up front. If a domme keeps sliding into that dynamic despite the discussed limit, it’s an easy call to walk away.

Where it gets trickier is around the more intangible elements – chemistry, style, intuition, empathy, etc. Those are things that you can’t negotiate. They’re an intrinsic part of a domme’s character and how she approaches her sessions. In a perfect word every submissive would be perfectly aligned with their dominant. In reality it’s a question of how much alignment there is and if you can live with the areas of misalignment. The mistake to avoid is being unhappy with parts of the dynamic, not recognizing those parts as being non-negotiable and then not being willing to walk away.

To pick a very prosaic example of my own: I played with a domme who took a pretty relaxed approach to timekeeping. I’m very punctual. She wasn’t. The first couple of times I was kept waiting for lengthy periods I was understandably annoyed. The third time it happened I realized that this was just how she conducted sessions. If I kept booking and kept getting annoyed by the same predictable behavior, that was then going to be on me, not her.  I didn’t think it was something I could bring up with her. She obviously knew she was late and didn’t particularly care. So either I needed to come to terms with that and enjoy all the other great elements of our sessions or I should stop scheduling sessions. Starting off every session in a bad mood because I’d been stuck killing time in a local cafe for 45 minutes wasn’t helping anyone.

I’ve no idea what kind of image would best illustrate the themes of the post, so here’s something simply fun any eye catching!

Happy 4th

I wish all my American readers a happy Independence day. Hope you all get to enjoy it in whatever fashion you choose to indulge. As a dual citizen of both the US and the UK, it’s a bit of an odd holiday for me. I’m basically celebrating independence from myself, which I guess make me a patriotic schizophreniac.

Fireworks and femdom don’t really go together (with occasional exceptions) so here’s the next closest thing – fireplay. This is Lady Lola with her pyro slave from this tweet.

Lady Lola in a London based pro-domme. You can find her professional site here.

Meta Muppets

I’m always amazed when I spot a sex worker or erotic content creator with an Instagram account. It has to be the least sex friendly social media site around. My feeds are frequently full of sex workers complaining about their accounts being killed with little to no warning. Recently they even had a burst of banning general sex positive accounts, that weren’t explicit or sex work related. Some of these got reversed, but I wouldn’t bet against future waves of similar bans. If you are using Instagram for anything adult related, it’s best to treat it as a throwaway that might be lost at anytime.

Mistress Estelle Leon is another recent casualty of the capricious Instagram algorithm. How stupid does a platform have to be to deliberately ban beautiful images like this one?

Mistress Estelle is a Melbourne based pro-domme. She may have lost her Instagram account, but you can still follow here on Twitter and visit her professional site here.

Bigger isn’t Better

As a fan of CBT I thought I knew most of the crazy things men can do, or have done, to their C’s and B’s. Turns out I was wrong. This ProPublica article is a an eye opening and wince inducing look at surgical penile enlargement. Some of the procedures it describes would have even hardcore CBT fans screaming ‘Red! Red!’ It’s really interesting, and very well written, but I can’t imagine any of the doctors featured will be too happy with it.

Personally I’ll stick to penis enlargement via painful procedures the old fashion way, no scalpel required. Just pinching, biting, slapping, whipping and flicking.

This is another old image I dug from a tumblr archive. It’s original from the Mean Dungeon site.