Pick a Side

Apologies if you’ve one of the tiny handful of people who follow me on twitter, as this post is going to be a rehash of a twitter rant I posted there recently. The tweets were an experiment to see if I could use twitter threads for thoughts longer than 280 characters, and if I’d get better engagement with them. The answers were respectively ‘not easily’ and ‘no’, so I think blog posts will remain my primary form of expression.

The rant in question was brought about by multiple social media arguments I’d seen on controversial kinky activities. Topics like race play, extreme age play, incest porn/roleplay and nazi outfits. All these arguments ultimately boiled down to two basic viewpoints. On one side was ‘as long as its consensual, adults can fantasize about anything’, on the other was ‘this activity has serious implications and you’re selfish/evil for treating it as way to get off’. I think both of those can be defensible opinions. What struck me as crazy was people flipping between the two depending how they felt about the topic in question.

The ‘as long as its consensual’ view is basically a get of jail free card. It’s a perspective that puts kinky play in its own little bubble, with no obvious relationship between what happens in the bubble and the outside world. If you believe it, then you can do a non-con sex roleplay, and not think you’re encouraging rape. Or beat someone and not spend any time wondering if you’re encouraging violence. That’s a valid viewpoint in my opinion, but it’s important to realize, it’s activity agnostic. You can’t logically claim your kinks live in a bubble where consent is all that matters, but arbitrary other kinks don’t.

On the other side, I think it’s also reasonable to argue that kinks very much interact with a broader social context. For example, one could discuss the intersection of race play and racism. However, if you’re going to do that, it means all kinks have to be considered in that context. That means a lot of kinks become potentially problematic, and require deeper analysis and justification. I typically don’t see anyone out there wanting to do that work for their personal favorite kinks.

In actuality, what consistently happens is that people play the ‘as long as its consensual’ card for their favorite kinks, and then try to withhold it when the activity in question gives them yucky feelings. Which seems broken to me. Either play the card consistently and let others do the same, or don’t play it at all.

In the femdom realm the combination of cross-dressing and humiliation is one of those controversial topics that can trigger a similar ‘consensual adults’ versus ‘this is wrong’ debate. The artwork here is by Voloh.

Spiky Submissive

Over the years I’ve poked fun at a fair number of domme outfits. This vintage photograph is one of the rare examples where the WTF factor is all about the submissive. I’d love to know what the thinking was behind the spikes. Shouldn’t it be the submissive in the predicament situation, not everyone around her? That rather striking domme is going to feel pretty silly if she stabs herself while trying to apply her flogger. Perhaps it’s designed as an all body chastity device? No matter how cute she might be, you can’t get close enough to enjoy any sort of intimate encounter.

According to this tweet, it’s from Studio Biederer around 1935.

Books, Ropes and Kisses

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on in this image, but I do know that it’s sexy as hell. Possibly a shot from a new kinky version of Cluedo? This’d be Mistress Green, in the library with the rope.

I suspect its from Dudes in Distress, a tumblr filled with plenty of hot bound dudes, but if it is, I haven’t managed to track down the original posting.

The Pleasure Revolution

The Guardian has an interesting article on female sexual pleasure featuring five women speaking out on the topic. It packs in a lot of complex issues, and left me wanting to hear more from everyone interviewed. From the perspective of this blog, the most relevant voice was the last one featured, that of Reba Maybury. The article labels her as a dominatrix, but she seems to be part performance artist, part political agitator and part pro-domme. It’s hard to tell from the article if kink is an intrinsic part of her life or just an interesting tool for exploring power dynamics and gender politics.

What struck me as particularly odd was this section…

A socialist of mixed-race background, Maybury only dominates white, preferably right-wing, men. “I can’t force myself to be even fictionally cruel to any other type of man. It makes the performance a lot easier,” she says. “I could never be mean to someone who wasn’t white, because the world is run by white men, isn’t it?”

To a kinky submissive person such as myself that seems …. odd. Her white, right-wing male clients will doubtless enjoy being dominated. That is after all why they reach out to her. I’m sure being called selfish, disgusting, misogynistic assholes is exactly what some of them desire. On the other hand, a non-white or left-wing man who would also enjoy being dominated, has to go without. So she meets the needs of those she dislikes and withholds it from those she supports. That doesn’t seem optimal.

I think it’s absolutely possible to mix kink and progressive politics. For example, as I covered here with Mistress Couple and the Trump voters. I also love the idea of Dominatrix Maybury getting her right wing submissives to help her create a book whose profits go to sex workers. That’s a fabulous concept. But as she recognizes at the end of the article, our kinks and our politics align in complex ways and they don’t necessarily influence each other. If you want to punish wealthy white conservatives, then maybe don’t beat or humiliate them if that’s what makes their dicks hard?

I’m not sure who this man voted for, but he’s a white guy in a suit, so there’s at least a chance he matches up with Reba Maybury’s criteria. The sexy bondage here comes courtesy of the TS Seduction site.

The little details

I had a very functional view of bondage when I was a neophyte kinkster. Adding anything that wasn’t being used to hold a limb in place was wasted time and effort. After all, what’s the point of wrapping up toes, fingers or torsos if you’re already immobilized?

Time and experience has taught me that there’s a lot of pleasure to be had in the little details. What was taken for granted suddenly becomes a point of focus. It’s all about the intimacy of control. A strange but hot combination of caring and objectification. Her focus makes my body important, but her actions reduce my sense of self. I must be just as she wants me, in every detail.

This image is from a tweet by Alchemical Seductress. She’s the headmistress of the Ritual Chamber in Toronto.

Minds Eye

This striking but rather unusual image is by Berlin based photographer Pitt Prickel and  features Madame Curie. He’s entitled it “Prayer: In My Mind’s Eye” and I came across it via his original tweet.

I like it but find it oddly unsettling. I can browse past beaten torsos, genitals full of needles and guys being pooped on without a raised eyebrow. Yet somehow a man with an eyeball head mask praying to a domme in a decaying urban space gives me pause. I think its the Lynchian juxtaposition of the familiar, the eerie and the surreal that make it work.

Side effects

Weird question of the week for my readers: Has anyone done a flogging or whipping scene that left their skin incredibly itchy?

Playing in LA last week, I did a scene featuring a fairly heavy flogging and a moderate whipping. It left me with some beautiful marks on my upper back, but it also left that whole area very rough and itchy. Given its inaccessible location for scratching, that makes it particularly frustrating. I’m guessing the skin was dry from the LA heat, and then damaged enough by the heavy flogger to trigger the wound healing itch reaction. It’s kind of odd however, as I’ve never had this kind of reaction before, and certainly nothing that lasts this long. Really hoping I’m not suddenly developing an allergy to leather. That would really cramp my play options.

Given the topic of leather and whips, this striking photograph of Mistress Adrienne of NYC seems an appropriate one to feature. Whatever I was hit with, it was nothing as fearsome as that particular single tail.

The secrets of the penis

Bustle has just published a somewhat odd article – 8 Tips for Pleasuring Someone With A Penis, According To A Dominatrix. The 8 tips are fine. Just the kind of sex advice you expect in these Cosmo style articles. It’s the dominatrix bit that puzzles me. Aren’t they famous for doing very non-pleasurable things to dicks? And don’t they attract the kind of men whose idea of what’s pleasurable differs significantly from the average? It seems a bit like having an article titled ‘8 tips for caring for animals, according to a butcher.’

Obviously I’m not a dominatrix, but I do have a close and complex relationship with a penis that’s attached to a dominatrix visiting masochist. Personally, given the title, I might have expected 8 tips more like…

  1. Penises are tougher than you think, so feel free to slap them around pretty hard. They’re not going to fall off.
  2. Tie them up to keep them engorged with blood and easy to play with. Just make sure to periodically check no bits are getting too cold and at risk of dropping off.
  3. For maximum style points, consider using the helicopter move when its time to remove any cord. Imagine you’re starting a lawnmower with a pull cord, and aim to get the flappy bits spinning like a helicopter rotor.
  4. If you’re planning to clamp the balls in a vice, keep in mind some men are asymmetrically sized. You want to aim for a good even level of pain across the entire scrotum, not just on the one larger side.
  5. It’s fun to stick needles into the skin of a penis, but be careful not to nick a vein. If you do, you’ll get a big red swelling like a golf ball on the side of the dick, which’ll freak out both you and your penis owning friend.
  6. Randomly ruin the occasional orgasm to add an element of surprise to your lovemaking. Or ruin all of them and add an element of consistency.
  7. Nerves become numb to electricity overtime. So if you’re shocking the penis, remember to keep cranking up the power every few minutes.
  8. If he has an upcoming sexual encounter with a non-kinky partner, check before whipping the penis. He might find that black bruises and bloody whip marks on his shaft and head are hard to explain and dramatically reduce the odds of sexual intimacy with his alternate partner.

Obviously these aren’t based in any way at all on personal experience. Just some random thoughts that came to mind, totally out of the blue.

Here’s a technique that surprisingly didn’t get mentioned for pleasuring a penis. I don’t think that’s a classic boxing stance, or that she’s following the Marquess of Queensberry rules,  but I suspect it’ll be an effective approach. This is obviously from the Divine Bitches site.

The dominatrix from the original Bustle article is Lola Jean, who also bills herself as a sex educator and instructor. Those titles make much more sense in the context of the article.

Rage against the dying of the light

I must be getting old. In past years I could stack up play sessions over a short period without a problem. On this trip I’ve done three, and now feel like I need to trade my beaten up body in for an updated model. I’d love to think that’s because I’m doing more intense play, but frankly I think I’m not recovering as fast. Age may bring wisdom, but it also bring flab, aches and slow recovery. However, I’m not letting that slow me down, and will be playing again one final time before my flight home. While the body says no, the Id and Ego say ‘bring it on’.

I found this image on the Alternative Femdom tumblr.

Pegging Problems

Dan Savage’s advice column is always worth reading. This weeks column caught my eye because it featured a man who enjoyed being pegged and his partner who very occasionally, when the stars aligned, enjoyed doing the pegging. Dan’s advice about talking more and carving out dedicated time was good and wise. However, I did think he missed a trick by not following up on this part of her letter…

I just want to get it over with and move on with our day, not deal with the pageantry of dress up, stiletto heels, collars and cuffs, lubricating buttholes, graduating to bigger dildos in a session, etc.

I’m not averse to a bit of femdom pageantry myself, but it’s always a nice optional bonus when time and circumstances allow, not the main event. You can have a mind blowing pegging scene with just a simple lubricated strap-on. If time and energy are the issue, then cut the fluff rather than dropping the entire event. Hell, if anal play is the goal, then just a disposable glove, a bit of lube and an enquiring finger (or two) can create amazing sensations.

Despite the fact that I’m lucky enough to experience a lot of femdom dress up and elaborate scenes, my personal pegging fantasy features absolutely no kinky accouterments at all. I always picture a snuggly Sunday morning, when our only plans are to sleep in, read the papers and for me to cook Sunday dinner. I’m happily dozing as my partner slips out to grab her harness and slide back into bed with me. There’s no ropes, leather or stiletto’s. Just some nibbling, nuzzling and hot, intimate sex, that happens to be a pegging scene. I guess we always fantasize about what we don’t have.

This pegging artwork is by Jas. She has a Patreon you can support here and merchandise available here.