Fm – Page 177 – Femdom Resource

D/s dynamics in a pro-domme session

This post is really a continuation of the one I published yesterday. Before I started writing about attitudes towards D/s dynamics, power exchange and pro-dommes I went off to hunt for a blog post illustrating what I felt was the opposing point of view. Luckily, I didn’t have to go too far on my blogroll to find this one by the Dishevelled Domina. It’s not exactly recent (May 2011) but I think it captures a fairly common viewpoint (both Dev and Stabbity commented on it favorably). As yesterday’s post was getting a bit long and unwieldy, I decided to create a new one just to tackle DD’s original post in more depth. I’d suggest reading her thoughts before proceeding, as everything will make a lot more sense that way.

Let me start off with where we agree, as it’s always good to start on a positive note.

It has been suggested to me, more than once, that since I like dominating men I should do it professionally. I am almost invariably annoyed by the suggestion
Dishevelled Domina

No arguments here. I can see why that would be annoying. It’s a very presumptuous statement. Now setting that justifiable response aside, let’s move onto the stuff I don’t agree with….

The librarian analogy the post opens with seems very tortured, but not in the fun way. I’m not the President of the United States (with all the baggage that come with that). I don’t session in a space honoring me. I’m not putting together my memorial for the future. A domme isn’t my indirect employee. It’s very clear in that example the man has all the power. It’s not at all clear to me why anyone would think that analogy maps closely to a pro-domme dynamic.

A better analogy, if we want to try and stick to the library idea, would be something like: An expert and highly regarded librarian has assembled her private library over several years. If she likes you (based on manners, attitude, past behavior, etc.), and your interests overlap and you make a sizable donation, she’ll give you access to the library and her expertise for a limited time. She’ll also take into consideration your ideas about new books to get or particular genres the library is lacking. Now who has the power in that situation? Sure as hell doesn’t seem like it’s the guy browsing the shelves occasionally.

When I play, I do something TO my eager fucktoy. If I am being paid to perform that act though, I am now doing it FOR him.
Dishevelled Domina

Actually I’d suggest you’re doing it WITH him. No matter how great a dominant you may be, at the end of the day if the submissive doesn’t get something out of the play at some level, it’s not going to work. Whatever the circumstances, all parties are trying to fulfill mutual needs, with varying degrees alignment between them. In a consensual dynamic, no domme gets to do whatever she wants to do irrespective of any other opinion.

I’ll skip over the inflammatory Taco Bell comment (cheap, nasty, fast food is the culinary equivalent of pro-dommes apparently), and get to what I think is the crux of the matter.

…one glorious day, you manage to talk her into dousing herself in baby powder and fighting her way into a tube of latex, or some other equally hideous getup that you’ve been fantasizing about, and then you have her spank you, assfuck you, and generally get you off exactly the way you pictured it, well, ya know what?

You have all the power, and you are running the fuck. She is not dominating you.
……
What are you doing there is called role playing, and it can be awesome, but it is not femdom.
Dishevelled Domina

Absolutely agree. Sounds like fun, but doesn’t sound like femdom. It also doesn’t sound anything like the way I play. I strongly suspect I’m not unique in that.

My pre-scene negotiation normally consists of one sentence, where I suggest a general theme or direction. It might say “Let’s try piercing”, or “Maybe some rope bondage”, or “How about breathplay?” From that I leave it to the domme (Lady Lydia) to riff on that theme anyway she likes. We’ve played enough together that she knows that I’m very much the kinky omnivore, and where my hard limits lie (no scat, no drowning, no spiders). She can spin things however she wants over the 2 to 3 hours of the session. I never make clothing suggestions, I don’t have options once we start playing and I never know what she’s decided. Sometimes the theme becomes the major part of our play. Sometimes it goes in a different direction, we end up doing entirely different activities, and the suggested theme ends up as a very minor part. Sometimes she ignores it all-together. For example, the scrotal inflation scene we did was a completely out of the blue suggestion. I’ve no idea what I’d originally suggested for that session, but it certainly wasn’t that. However, Lydia had just purchased some sterile saline and was keen to inflate something with it. I was happy to oblige and a few hours later I had a sack the size of a cantaloupe.

I’ve never made suggestions during a session about what to do next or how to change an activity. It’d seem very weird to do so. The only time I’ve stepped back out of it is when I’ve had physical issues like cramps or numbness. I’d actually be happy dropping even my single sentence theme suggestion, but Lydia likes it as a jumping off point for her ideas. And who am I to tell the domme how to run her sessions?

It’s clearly true that some pro-domme sessions involve choreographed activities directed by the bottom. But exactly the same could be said for lifestyle play. After all, people want to be seen as GGG. So to try and define ‘true’ power exchange based on a pro/lifestyle divide is false dichotomy. It can work or not work in both situations. And I get a little fed up of people telling me ‘I am not trying to say that unless you do femdom the way I do femdom yer doin’ it wrong…..[but you are]‘

I wasn’t really sure what image would be suitable to highlight this post. So I thought I’d simply go with one of my favorites from the Dishevelled Domina’s tumblr site.

Tis but a scratch

Lady Annisa has an interesting new post up that prompted a little reflection and thought on my part.

I enjoyed the post for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the temporary role reversal, with the medically inclined domme ending up in the local A&E unit is an unusual ending to a session! Obviously getting gashed on the scalp isn’t exactly amusing, but the picture she paints of the scene with the fresh faced registrar certainly is. Secondly, I also appreciated it as an illustration of just how into a scene a domme, and specifically a pro-domme, can get. Here’s someone so into playing with a particular submissive they don’t even notice a suture worthy head wound. It’s not until the blood starts splattering around that they figure out what’s going on.

There is a school of thought, often expressed by lifestyle female dominants, that a pro-domme can never be a real domme. She’s just doing a job. She’s being paid, so she’s not really in control. It’s all a bunch of smoke and mirrors, and really she’s bored/submissive/exploited/powerless.

Possessors of this kind of viewpoint always bemuses me, as it seems so incredibly simple minded. It’s as if they can’t deal with multiple simultaneous concepts. It can both be a job and enjoyable. A session can involve financial exchange without precluding power exchange. She can offer a service without automatically giving up control of the situation, or how, when and who can experience it. People can be friends and have intense meaningful interactions whilst still retaining a professional relationship.

Personally if I’m doing something I don’t enjoy, then any minor issue turns into a distraction I’ll make use of. Forget blood gushing head wounds. I’ll take a stubbed toe or a tight muscle as a reason to give-up and go do something else. In contrast when I’m immersed in a situation then a small bomb blast may go unnoticed. As Lady Annisa says…

That’s what happens when you’re enjoying yourself, you just don’t notice the pain or you process it differently

Clearly, while she might have been getting paid for her time, she was also very much enjoying herself.

For an image to illustrate this post my thoughts turned to medical play and then in turn to Kami Tora. He’s always a good source for images of sadistic medical torments.

Hearts and minds

Here’s another outdoor shot with a spontaneous feel to it. Again there’s not a lot of kinky equipment or uniforms. Just a woman with a firm grip on the situation and a man casting a worried eye in a downward direction. Not sure where she’s taking him, but she’s clearly determined to get there quickly.

I’ve personally always enjoyed being pulled around in this way. You really have to anticipate what the domme is going to do. If you don’t stay in sync then she’s pulled off balance (which seems rude) and your genitals get a huge yank (which hurts). I’ve done dance steps like this, which given I’m a geeky British guy (3 categories not known for their funky moves), worked out about as well as you might expect (i.e. It hurt like hell).

I found this on the Cock Ball Torture tumblr site.

Just do it

This shot first caught my eye for its dynamic spontaneous nature. It’s from a commercial site, but doesn’t feel overly produced. She’s not dressed in a particularly ridiculous outfit. There’s not a lot of kinky gear lying around. Just a woman having fun swinging a flogger and a naked man reacting to it.

However, on closer inspection I was kind of puzzled by his footwear. He’s naked guy getting beaten on in the great outdoors. Does he really need training shoes to protect his feet? It’s not a flattering look. Although maybe Nike has taken to sponsoring femdom material to make-up for Tiger’s numerous philanderings. I’ve heard that the BDSM endorphin high is similar to the high from long distance running, so there’s definitely cross over potential. Forget the Air Jordan, how about a Leather Isabella line of restraints?

Originally from Club Stiletto, I found this on the Felm Cyber tumblr site.

Cock smörgåsbord

There are a few categories of images I’m always wary of posting. Some I don’t do post because I think they’re already far too prevalent on other blogs, for example the stereotypical shots of the sneering domme in leather. Others I omit because they don’t necessarily appeal on an erotic level to me. Solo male bondage shots would be a case in point there. And there are some I think would simply be a turn off for a good number of my readers, like close-up cock shots.

However, I still periodically run across what I think are interesting images in these categories. Pictures that I think are aesthetically pleasing even if they don’t necessarily turn me on. Or illustrations of technical interest that would perhaps give people ideas for stuff they could try with their dominant or submissive.

To square this particular circle I’m going to do an occasional themed post that simply links to a bunch of tumblr pages. That way I can still share interesting images I’ve amassed without necessarily shoving them in people’s faces on my front page. To start the series it’s a cock torture and bondage smörgåsbord.

Here’s a nice circle of clips around the balls and a rope wrapped shaft.
A clever use of chopsticks and rubber bands to create a ladder of pain.
Similar to the last one, with rubber and wood used to tightly pinch the shaft.
A leather lace wrap and a long drip of pre-cum.
A very aesthetically pleasing shot, with a rope wrap gripped in his mistresses teeth.
This combines some CBT with some predicament bondage.
A collection of metal rings creates a nice presentation.
Finally a shot hosted here rather than tumblr, featuring clothes pegs and a chastity device.

Here’s an image a little on the lighter side to illustrate the post. It’s from the House of Desire tumblr site. No torturous apparatus involved, just a woman in control of his cock and his pleasure.

No means ‘We need to talk’

Ferns over at Domme Chronicles has a new post up about how to deal with a submissive saying ‘no’ to a dominant’s instruction. For those in a lifestyle relationship it seems like a very useful and thoughtful post. Sadly I’m not in that situation currently. However, for some reason, I did think it was kind of hot. I realize that this response is peculiar even by my own warped standards. After all, it’s about how to deal with the D/s dynamic not working. Yet somehow, the calm methodical way Ferns approaches the issue is kind of sexy.

I should probably get out more. I don’t want to develop a relationship advice column fetish. Buying porn is one thing, but I’d hate to be get caught hiding a copy of Cosmo under the latest issue of Tranny Granny Spankathon.

Sadly I don’t have any pictures from that particular publication, so I’m going to my random grab-bag of images for something to accompany this post. I’m going to guess that ‘no’ wasn’t an issue for the young lady when it came time to shoot this particular scene.

Found on the She Knows What’s Best for Me tumblr site.

The sexiest thing in the world

Amanda Gannon over at Adventurotica has an interesting post up entitled ‘Femdom and Fulfillment’. It was sparked by a post on the Not Just Bitchy blog that I’ve already covered in the past, and like that original post it’s basically a rant against the common depictions of femdom in culture and pornography.

I have mixed feelings about these kind of posts. I completely agree with the underlying sentiment, and I’d love for more emphasis to be be placed on the dynamic between dominant and submissive, rather than simply the male response. At the same time the pedantic bit of my brain wants to quibble with all the generalizations that get made when discussing such a broad area. And the problem solving bit of my brain wants to ask “So what’s my list of action items? We have a plan to fix this, right?” I realize that’s unfair and it shouldn’t be necessary to have a solution before you can highlight a problem. But speaking personally I’m more a fan of posting about and promoting what I like rather than what I don’t, no matter how justified that dislike.

And speaking of posting about what I like, that segues me very nicely into my favorite part of Amanda’s post.

What about men who …….. want a woman who is hard and hot and lustful, who will hurt them until they cry not because they are worthless, but because they are so goddamn precious, a woman who will hurt them and comfort them, who values them, and, dare I say, a woman who doesn’t see anything submissive about riding their submissive’s cock like a goddamn racehorse?
Amanda Gannon

Amen to that. There’s nothing better that a dominant who is actively enjoying what she or he is doing.

I was playing last night with Lady Lydia. She’d wired my cock and balls with electoshock bands, and was lying alongside my restrained body playing with the voltage. She would look across at me and spike it up, making me writhe with the pain. And then she’d laugh. Joyfully. Gleefully. It was the laugh of a happy sadist, enjoying the moment. I remember thinking, in between groans, that it was the sexiest thing in the world.

This image is from the CBT and Ballbusting site, which possibly rates highly on the ‘creator of cliched femdom erotica’ scale (the well established COCFE scale). However, I liked it for her smile. I believe that’s Mistress January Seraph with the strap, and while she’s not quite laughing with sadistic glee, there’s definitely a pleasing blend of happiness and satisfaction in that smile. You can the original sized version here.

I couldn’t fuck a gorilla

This image made me smile, although not for any specific femdom related reason. I do like the odd vertical stocks/box that he’s trapped in. They look kind of fun. I also like the fact that she’s wearing a fairly normal item of lingerie, rather than an over the top leather number. But the main thing I liked was the horribly fake dungeon wall effect. It’s just so bad. What fantasy are they catering for here? It looks like dungeons by Disney.

What it really reminded me of was the mad doctor apartment in the Steve Martin movie ‘The man with two brains.’ I couldn’t find the specific illustrative clip I wanted on youtube, the one where Dr. Hfuhruhurr smashes through a whole sequence of fake dungeon doors, but I did find this clip which shows the fake dungeon/condo interior. In my clip hunt I also came across this, which could be an object lessons for any domme wanting to do a little tease and denial.

The image is originally from the men in pain site.

Hanging Around

These images first caught my eye for the interesting rope suspension. I always think that suspension shots are the most aesthetically pleasing form of bondage. I know when I mention bondage aesthetics a lot of people are going to think of ornate body ties, like the kind of rope corsets featured here and here. I think they’re fun, but more pretty than practical. In contrast suspension is both beautiful and a very intense and effective way to restrain somebody.

I’ve done it a few times and have been amazed out how tricky it is to get right. It wasn’t really until our third attempt that we got an effective position that I could stand for an extended period. It stretches the body in unusual ways and requires very careful consideration of how to spread the load between pressure points. The effort is definitely worth it however, as it really promotes a great submissive headspace. The body is exposed, vulnerable, available. Unlike normal bondage, where I can sometimes brace myself against the pain, suspension encourages acceptance. There’s nothing to push against, just ropes that move with you.

Although it was the rope work that initially caught my attention, it was the third image below that sold me on writing this particular post. Don’t they make an adorably cute pair? Of all the hot kinky and fetish shots I’ve posted over recent months, I think that photograph is probably my favorite. I always love a happy session and a smiling domme. There’s another shot showing her smile available here.

I believe this is Mistress Aska from the SM Play Live site.

Lovely Lurker Love

I recently discovered that today is the sixth annual love our lurkers day. There’s an official logo and everything.

I’m not a huge fan of the expression ‘lurker’. It suggests someone with a slightly nefarious purpose. However, I do appreciate the sentiment behind the love our lurkers day. It’s a cheezy thing to say but without you wonderful people this blog wouldn’t exist. Everyday I get a few comments, often from other people with blogs of their own. But everyday I also get thousands of visitors coming by to take a look at whatever random rubbish happened to make it from my brain into a post. And I guess to check out some new hot femdom images. That also probably plays a small role in my stats count.

I write this blog for a whole host of different reasons, but the main one is to share stuff I like. I wouldn’t keep doing it without that. So here’s to all the readers and lurkers out there who come here to share it with me. Thanks for dropping by.

If you ever thought about leaving a comment, this would be a great time to do it! Maybe just a mention of where you’re from, or what you’re into, or even what you’d like to see more/less of here. I’d love to hear from you. The comment system asks for a name/email/website, but you only need the first two. Also the email isn’t published and doesn’t even have to be a genuine email address.

In the meantime here’s a lovely young lady sharing a little happiness with you all. And as a special extra, just to celebrate the lurkers, here’s a bonus image for the male submissives and a bonus image for the female dommes.

I found the above image on the Femdom Style Counsel tumblr site. The special bonus linked images came from the art or porn site and from the Dishevelled Domina tumblr site. I’ll leave figuring out which came from where as an exercise to the reader.