Tag: Fm

Not Like That, Like This

My post from last week entitled Mood Killer triggered some thoughtful comments on the subject of feedback after sessions. It’s an interesting topic that rarely seems to get discussed. Pro-domme websites will often feature lots of positive comments and praise from grateful clients. Femdom sites will host review forums of highly variable quality and value. Yet it’s very rare to see feedback built into the 1 on 1 scene negotiation process. I’ve done a fair number of sessions over the years with different dommes. In all that time I think I’ve been explicitly asked for feedback just twice.

I should make it clear that my thoughts in this post are primarily about professional domination. The lifestyle dynamic, where kink is just a part of a bigger relationship picture, is obviously very different. In that case the motivation for working through issues and trying to solve mismatched desires via feedback is obviously much higher than a purely kink focused professional relationship.

My default approach when I’m playing with someone new and the scene doesn’t click is simply to not see them again. With little invested on either side, walking away is the obvious answer. I think volunteering feedback in that situation would be as pointless as writing feedback after a failed first date. Nobody needs that kind of nonsense in their life. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

It’s trickier with someone where I do feel a spark, but some parts of our scenes don’t quite work. Even with someone I know very well, I’m very reluctant to give negative feedback after a scene. However, there are a few approaches that I think work pretty well in these situations.

Emphasize the positive. This is an obvious move. Emphasize the bits you really enjoyed and make them a focus of your next pre-scene discussion.

Avoid pink elephants. This is the flipside to the above. I’ve found it’s better to totally avoid vaguely negative things in pre-scene discussion. Saying X didn’t really work last time or you’re not fond of Y makes some dommes instantly start thinking about they could fix that problem for you. Now they want to try them! You’ve mentioned the pink elephant and they can’t stop thinking about it.

Use your limits. There’s no reason to have the same set of limits for everyone you play with. They’re a function of trust and negotiation between two people, not a global declaration of your submissive capabilities. Make an activity a limit if it’s really not working for you. This is different to a pink elephant because you’re putting something very clearly out of scope rather than making it sound like a problem to be fixed.

Optimize for the dynamic. It can be tempting to focus on a favorite activity or kinky desire of the moment, but I often find it’s better to go with what works well for the two of you. Better to have an amazing spin on your 2nd favorite thing rather than an average one on your 1st.

Take a hint. Sometimes, despite using all of the above approaches, I’ll still find a domme repeatedly comes back to something that doesn’t really work for me. It might be an emotional response, an activity, an attitude or even just a practical thing around scheduling. Whatever it is, I’ve found the trick is to either make peace with it or walk away. If you’re getting frustrated by a predictable thing, then you can only blame yourself.

When it comes to dommes providing feedback to submissives the options are a little broader. Here’s one who looks pretty happy with the feedback she’s about to deliver. Hopefully he’ll take it in the constructive way it’s intended.

I’m afraid I don’t have an attribution for this image. As usual, if you can help me out with that then please let me know via a comment.

Mixing it Up

I like the kinky contrasts being employed here. I usual think of foot worship being a fairly gentle and relaxed kink. It’s almost mainstream it’s so popular in Femdom. Suspension in contrast is one of those serious kinks that requires taking a dozen classes, having a proper hard point available and being willing to devote serious time to get everything balanced properly. It’s rare to see those two mixed together, making this a particularly fun image.

This is obviously an older image from the kink.com family and features Madeline Marlowe. 

Random Aside

Question for any of my fellow bloggers out there – have you noticed a big drop in traffic to your site in the last few days? Mine looks like it has almost halved, which is an amazing drop. I’ve never seen anything like it in almost a decade. From this post it does look like Google rolled out a major update, but nothing described there seems to align with this kind of site. I wonder if Google is secretly taking yet another whack at penalizing adult sites?

For everyone else with no interest in search engine metrics, here’s a very hot throat grabbing picture. I don’t know the source for this, but I do love their expressions.

Human Contact

It just struck me that the last physical human contact I had was when Penny Barber peed on me back at the start of March. It was a great scene but, in retrospect, an odd note to enter quarantine on. Kind of like the condemned’s last meal, only in liquid form. If I’d known what was to come, maybe I’d have requested a gentler and more nurturing session. Although for a masochist, genital torture and watersports is somewhat nurturing.

I am craving human contact, which is very weird for a natural introvert who’s lived on his own for 20 or so years. I’d take something wet and warm, or hard and slappy, or even a simple hug at this stage.

I’ve seen a lot of people posting about being hungry to play again, but I wonder what form that play will take? Is it going to be an explosion of pent-up kinky energy resulting in many intense scenes? Or are people going to want to ease back into it? Personally I don’t think I could do an intense scene right now. I’d enjoy the holiday from thought that pain provides, but it’d be risky to flood my brain with endorphins and adrenaline in my current emotional state.  I might need some gentle warm-up sessions first. Is hugging a kink?

There’s no particular logic behind this image, other than it represents exactly the kind of playful physical contact I currently crave. This is from a series called Love Stories” by Victor Demarchelier for Numero magazine.

Positive vs Negative

It’s probably pretty clear from my recent posts that I kink very much on positive feedback when playing. Negative feedback is a real mood killer for me. That doesn’t mean I’m not open to constructive feedback or advice outside the bubble. I always want to improve and be a better kinky play partner. But mixing negative emotions like anger or disappointment with subspace and the complexity of intense kinky play never goes well for me.

That preference is clearly not true for every male submissive. There’s a lot of guys out there who love being the worthless worm under the boots of their untouchable Goddess. That’s a totally valid dynamic, but it makes me wonder what the ratio between the ‘Good  Boys’ and the ‘Worthless Worms’ is? If you believe the mainstream portrayals of femdom and the dominatrix/client relationship, then clearly almost every client is a worthless worm. Pro-dommes are always portrayed as beating, spitting on and humiliating their clients. Yet my personal observation is that it’s much more like 50/50, or even skewed more towards the positive side.

Obviously I have signification observational bias. I’m more likely to identify with people who share my kinks and play preferences. But despite that, I’m certain the ‘Good Boy’ loving crowd is not a small minority. Maybe kinky checklists should start including a tick box for ‘Good Boy’ vs ‘Worthless Worm’ vs ‘All of the Above’.

This good boy was shot by Gavin Kleinschmidt for Touch Puppet.

Bending him over with a smile

A final post in this short sequence of fun pegging shots. This pose looks a bit like those I do when my yoga teacher is trying to stretch my hamstrings. Sadly none of my fully clothed and anal penetration free exercises are quite as much fun as this one appears to be. Hopefully he’ll get his breathing right as she leans forward and pushes into the pose.

Reversal

This image’s reversal to porn norms makes me smile. Typically the man is focused on his partner and the act of penetration, while the woman stares into the camera lens. This is obviously a reversal of that set-up. Although in a normal porn shot, the woman is typically looking lustfully and longingly into the camera. This guy looks like she just slipped the tip in and he’s suddenly realized he might have signed up for a touch more than he was expecting.

I’m afraid I don’t have an attribution for this particular image.

Dripping by Blonde Redhead

While I was browsing the stream of tweets paying tribute to Namio Harukawa I came across one that made reference to a music video inspired by his work. That obviously caught my eye, given how explicit his drawings are and the kinks they target. It’s the kind of subject matter that’d be niche even for porn, let alone a mainstream music video.

The track in question is called ‘Dripping’ by the alternative rock group Blonde Redhead. I was assuming the video would try and capture the lush and sensual feel of his work, while only making subtle allusions to the kinky elements. It turns out I was two thirds right.  The first part is very sensual and rich with the odd kinky motif. The final third is … well …. watch it for yourself.  I just can’t believe it’s been around four years, and this is the very first I’ve heard of it. There’s a bit of background on it here.

Art is obviously by the late great Namio Harukawa.

Namio Harukawa

I was very sad to read – via this tweet from Sardax – that Namio Harukawa has passed away. He was one of the great femdom artists. Up there with the likes of Eric Stanton and Sardax himself as an iconic figure in the genre. His style is unmistakable and he leaves behind a huge and impressive collection of kinky work. Thanks for everything Namio. Rest In Peace.

Update: The Team Rinru site (creator of the infamous yapoo market series)  have put up a post featuring their memories of Namio Harukawa. It’s in Japanese, but for English speakers the online translation tools do an OK job. Apparently his works were an early inspiration for the series and he both enjoyed and shared feedback on the movies they created. Doubtless his works will continue to inspire others for many years to come.

Update 2: Sardax has a tribute on his site as has the blogger homer.

If you’re interesting in seeing more of his work, then an image search will return a lot of his drawings. There’s also a number of galleries available here.