Tag: Fm

Folsom 2019

Talking of kinky events I’m sad I missed – as I just was  – it was the Folsom Fair in San Francisco this last weekend. I’m not sure if it’s the biggest kink festival in the world, but it has to be a good candidate. If you didn’t attend and are interested in getting a flavor of the event, there are articles with photographs here, here and here.

There’s a good mix of hot and fun costumes, although some made my scratch my head. This one for example is an interesting choice. He’s just pulled a t-shirt and baseball cap on, she’s made the effort to get a good military uniform look going, yet he’s the one holding her leash? Do whatever floats your boat, but that dynamic does seem somewhat back-to-front.

Falling very much into the hot category, I did love this shot posted by Domina Yuki of her and Lucy Sweetkill. Also this posed shot, featuring Mistress Blunt with Domina Yuki, is equally appealing. Finally, something both fun and hot, the featured image below comes from the threewitchesdesigns instagram.

Natsukiss at Club Pedestal

Back in July I wrote that I was sad I was going to miss Mistress Natsukiss performing at Club Pedestal in London. Having now seen the shots below, and the others in this thread, I’m cursing my poor trip timing even more. It looks like it was quite the show.

Mistress Natsukiss is performing with Aoi.  You can see more shots from the evening in the twitter feeds of Club Pedestal and Derek Schiavo. Also a shoutout to Sardax and Mistress Nana for their contributions to what looks like an amazing evening.

Another Way to Slice the Data

I had a couple of insightful comments on my last post that attributed my small number of unsatisfying session experiences to the type of dommes I play with. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I almost exclusively play with experienced independent dommes who have taken the time to build their business and the skills that go along with that. It’s not a selection approach that guarantees session success, but it certainly helps skew the odds in the right direction.

It also struck me after writing yesterday’s post that there was another way to analyze the data: What’s my success rate when meeting a new domme? As I’ve written about before, I typically try and play with a mix of people I know and people I don’t. It’s a good way to build ongoing and deeper relationships while also learning and experiencing new dynamics. So how has that worked out for me?

I went back and dug through my emails to remind myself who I’d played with over the years. In a very rough hand wavy analysis, I’d say my meetings with dommes for the first time broke down roughly as…

  • One third being fun sessions, but a general mismatch in our styles and chemistry. I didn’t regret the session, but we probably wouldn’t meet again.
  • One third being really enjoyable sessions with a dynamic that I felt was worth exploring further. Not everything aligned perfectly, but there was enough overlap to make me want to meet again.
  • One third being amazing sessions. There was great chemistry and either our respective play styles meshed well, or my eyes were opened to a whole new approach that I loved. These are the dommes who I’ll always want to see when our paths intersect.

I should make clear that this is a very personal assessment, based around my preferences, kinks and play style. Much like in regular dating, one persons McDreamy can be someone else’s Mr. Dreary. I’m sure all the dommes in my first category have many amazing sessions with other submissives they have great chemistry with.

If you look at this data in conjunction with my previous post I think the key take away would run as follows: If you play with experienced independent pro-dommes, you’re very unlikely to have a genuinely bad session. However, you might have to try a few different sessions with a few different people before you find the right match for you. Hardly a groundbreaking insight I know, but I thought it was interesting to put some actual data behind it.

This is Domina Yuki, someone I’ve played with for years and who is very much in my third category of dommes I always want to return to. If you’re in the San Francisco area her professional site is here. For anyone further afield, you can see her OnlyFans here.

What are the Odds?

Whenever I put up a post that casts a negative light on femdom and playing with professional dommes – as I just did – I worry I’ll put off someone who is tempted to explore kink or hire a pro-domme.  So to assuage my fears and encourage anyone out there to take the plunge, I thought I’d share some personal statistics.

At this point I’ve done well over 200 professional sessions with a wide variety of different dommes. Out of all those sessions, I had…

  • One that went bad that I covered previously.
  • One that felt like a rip-off. It was in a Las Vegas hotel room and was a halfhearted unimaginative effort. I found myself in a cab on the Vegas strip – with piss still in my hair – 15 minutes before the session was even supposed to finish. The domme was relatively unknown and I wasn’t surprised to see her shutdown her site shortly afterwards.
  • One two hour session that the domme was three hours later for. The volume of coffee I drank while waiting turned out to be more tortuous than the session itself.
  • One session that was cancelled with me standing on the doorstep. The domme had forgotten she was moving house that day.

Those four events represent the total number of times I walked away significantly dissatisfied. For the other 200 or so sessions, I’ve had experiences that ranged from a fun time to the mind meltingly brilliant. That’s a way better success rate than my experiences with restaurants, movies, plays, spas, etc. I can’t guarantee you’ll always have a great kinky time if you hire a professional, but if my experiences are anything to go by, the odds are significantly in your favor.

This is a Club Pedestal event rather than a professional session, but it’s such a fun shot that I wanted to feature it. Found via this tweet and I believe that’s Ms Eva.

A Bad Session Revisted

Thimble has published a very emotive article on a Femdom experience that went badly wrong. Despite the fact that it’s very well written, I found it hard to read. The session it describes sounds like an emotional slow-motion car crash. That sense of something careering dangerously out of control, but with no idea why or how to bring it safely to a stop.

I’ve previously  written about my own experience with a bad session in a two part post here and here. That was back in 2012 and I’m happy to say I’ve had no further posts to write on the subject. I’ve had a few scenes where the chemistry wasn’t quite right, or the activities didn’t unfold as I’d hoped, but genuinely bad scenes, the kind that leave you emotionally messed up, are thankfully rare in my experience.

My bad session wasn’t in the same league as Thimble’s. Unlike his, the domme wasn’t my dream domme, we hadn’t interacted much beforehand and for the first hour or so the session was actually fine. Despite my example being very minor in comparison, I found it interesting how many parallels can still be found. In both cases the dommes seem to lack control of their own emotions, be unable to adapt when things don’t go as planned and make negative comparisons to ‘true’ lifestyle players. From the submissive side, we were both confused, off-balance and unable to adapt to the uncomfortable dynamic. Thimble kissed the domme’s foot at the end of his experience. I thanked mine for the session. And then felt angry and upset about that for days.

Looking back at my bad session, the actual issue itself seems like a minor conflict. In normal life I’d have brushed it off. You can’t get far in life without encountering a good number of angry and unreasonable people. What makes BDSM so tricky is the heady mix of adrenaline, endorphins and powerful emotions it creates. After all, that’s one of the primary reasons people do it. Yet that also means when it turns sour, it can mess you up in weird ways for days. Kinksters are typically well aware of RACK and SSC when it comes to the physical side of play, but rarely talk about what happens when the dynamic goes wrong. So while I feel bad for Thimble, I am glad he shared his experience and cast light on this topic.

I wanted to avoid using a photograph of a practicing domme for this post, just in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought it was about them. This artwork by NK of an angry looking lady seems appropriate enough.

Workplace Peril

This story of an injury claim for workplace compensation caught my eye recently. It features a French man who unfortunately died of a heart attack after having sex. What made it news was that he was travelling on business at the time, and a French court held that it was a workplace related injury and his employer was liable for it. Their logic was that sex is a normal part of life and companies are liable for things that go wrong when they’re compelling you to travel on their behalf. It’s not a ruling you can imagine many US courts making.

It did get me wondering what would have happened if he’d died as a result of a kinky activity. Would that have also been classed as a normal part of life? My company sadly doesn’t send me anywhere, so all my travel is on my own dime and at my own risk. But I know a lot of men use business trips as an opportunity to get their kink on and visit a pro-domme. Could a domme find herself in court testifying about a ‘work related’ buttplug injury for a travelling businessman? Would an insurance company payout for bruised testicles sustained in a hotel room during lunch break from the annual conference for certified public accountants? I await the next European test case in this area eagerly.

I’m not sure what injury this gentleman has sustained, but judging by all the equipment, it must have have been a severe one. Fortunately for him, Mistress Inka is on the case. I’m sure she’ll have him on his feet in no time. You can see more of her at work via her twitter feed.

The Session Mixtape

My previous post on music in sessions was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. However, all humor aside, there is an underlying truth behind it. Background music is universally used in sessions and it has a significant affect on their atmosphere and energy. Yet it’s never a part of the pre-scene negotiation. At best it’s music the domme likes to listen to and at worst it’s an afterthought to cover the screams. From the professional domme perspective, isn’t there an opportunity for differentiation or even monetization here?

I’m not going to go as far as suggesting that submissives simply be allowed to bring along their own playlists. That’d most likely end up with the wrong person in the room being tortured. Instead maybe a domme could offer a selection of session playlists of her choosing. Or offer regular clients a chance to curate a playlist within her defined parameters. Or, for an extra $100, allow the submissive to choose a Pandora station that’s acceptable to her.

One could of course argue that the domme is supposed to be the one in charge, so why is the submissive getting any say? I understand that perspective when talking about the energy and direction of how a scene unfolds, but the broader context for a scene is something that is very much a shared discussion. Roleplays, activities, limits, interests and even outfits are all fair game for pre-scene negotiation.  So why not music? Whether it’s an upsell to make money or an opportunity to reward regular clients, it seems like an opportunity going begging.

This artwork is by the American artist Robert E. McGinnis.

Breaking the Taboo

This post risks making a lot of pro-dommes very mad. I’m going to go out on a limb for my readers here and talk about a very taboo session activity. Something that almost all professionals will say absolutely never happens with any of their clients. Yet I’m here to tell you that just sometimes, if the mood and dynamic is right, if the right level of trust is established, it can happen. The submissive might actually be allowed to pick the playlist for the session music.

I know this to be true because – in the immortal words of the Penthouse readers letters page – I never thought it would happen to me, until a mysterious but very attractive lady propositioned me with it sometime last year. I say mysterious because I’m definitely not going to say who it was. I may be crazy enough to risk the general wrath of pro-dommes with this post, but I’m not going to risk the very specific wrath of someone who I may session with in the future. I’d hate for this to come back and haunt me when I’m naked, bound and she has me quite literally by the balls.

For those readers who have never done a session with a pro-domme, I should make clear that background music is the one true constant of sessions. More so than black dungeon walls, leather cuffs and incomprehensible controls on janky showers. I don’t think I’ve ever done a session without some sort of music. And given that pro-dommes are inevitably younger and hipper than I am, rarely have I any idea what’s being played. Typically it’s a grab bag of electronic, ambient, dance, industrial and obscure indie. Good for drowning out screams, but not exactly my kind of jams.

With the domme in question – who I should make clear is still very much younger and hipper than me – we actually share some  musical interests. Which is how I came to get my ass beaten to some choice selections from the early oeuvre of Iron Maiden. Personally I think the energy and tempo changes in Phantom of the Opera make for great session music, but I’m not going to hold my breath for it to catch on more widely.

This image of a puppet pianist comes from the photographer Konrad Bak.

Be a Good Boy

I’m going to resist the urge to get into the politics of Brexit here. Firstly, because I’m sure nobody comes here for British politics. Secondly, because it’d take me a dozen posts just to start to unpack it, and frankly I don’t have the time.

However, I did have to laugh at John Bercow repeatedly admonishing an MP to ‘Be a good boy’. It’s such a classic femdom expression. I’m sure a non-trivial number of Members of Parliament have received that instruction from a leather clad domme while they grovelled at her feet. I’m not sure who the Speaker was yelling at, but I hope the target of his ire resisted the urge to bend down and kiss the Speaker’s shoes. Although, on the other hand, maybe Boris would have thanked him for the welcome distraction from everything else that was going on.

I believe this is from a Managa by Hiroaki Samura.