Tag: Fm

A Bad Session Revisted

Thimble has published a very emotive article on a Femdom experience that went badly wrong. Despite the fact that it’s very well written, I found it hard to read. The session it describes sounds like an emotional slow-motion car crash. That sense of something careering dangerously out of control, but with no idea why or how to bring it safely to a stop.

I’ve previously  written about my own experience with a bad session in a two part post here and here. That was back in 2012 and I’m happy to say I’ve had no further posts to write on the subject. I’ve had a few scenes where the chemistry wasn’t quite right, or the activities didn’t unfold as I’d hoped, but genuinely bad scenes, the kind that leave you emotionally messed up, are thankfully rare in my experience.

My bad session wasn’t in the same league as Thimble’s. Unlike his, the domme wasn’t my dream domme, we hadn’t interacted much beforehand and for the first hour or so the session was actually fine. Despite my example being very minor in comparison, I found it interesting how many parallels can still be found. In both cases the dommes seem to lack control of their own emotions, be unable to adapt when things don’t go as planned and make negative comparisons to ‘true’ lifestyle players. From the submissive side, we were both confused, off-balance and unable to adapt to the uncomfortable dynamic. Thimble kissed the domme’s foot at the end of his experience. I thanked mine for the session. And then felt angry and upset about that for days.

Looking back at my bad session, the actual issue itself seems like a minor conflict. In normal life I’d have brushed it off. You can’t get far in life without encountering a good number of angry and unreasonable people. What makes BDSM so tricky is the heady mix of adrenaline, endorphins and powerful emotions it creates. After all, that’s one of the primary reasons people do it. Yet that also means when it turns sour, it can mess you up in weird ways for days. Kinksters are typically well aware of RACK and SSC when it comes to the physical side of play, but rarely talk about what happens when the dynamic goes wrong. So while I feel bad for Thimble, I am glad he shared his experience and cast light on this topic.

I wanted to avoid using a photograph of a practicing domme for this post, just in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought it was about them. This artwork by NK of an angry looking lady seems appropriate enough.

Workplace Peril

This story of an injury claim for workplace compensation caught my eye recently. It features a French man who unfortunately died of a heart attack after having sex. What made it news was that he was travelling on business at the time, and a French court held that it was a workplace related injury and his employer was liable for it. Their logic was that sex is a normal part of life and companies are liable for things that go wrong when they’re compelling you to travel on their behalf. It’s not a ruling you can imagine many US courts making.

It did get me wondering what would have happened if he’d died as a result of a kinky activity. Would that have also been classed as a normal part of life? My company sadly doesn’t send me anywhere, so all my travel is on my own dime and at my own risk. But I know a lot of men use business trips as an opportunity to get their kink on and visit a pro-domme. Could a domme find herself in court testifying about a ‘work related’ buttplug injury for a travelling businessman? Would an insurance company payout for bruised testicles sustained in a hotel room during lunch break from the annual conference for certified public accountants? I await the next European test case in this area eagerly.

I’m not sure what injury this gentleman has sustained, but judging by all the equipment, it must have have been a severe one. Fortunately for him, Mistress Inka is on the case. I’m sure she’ll have him on his feet in no time. You can see more of her at work via her twitter feed.

The Session Mixtape

My previous post on music in sessions was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. However, all humor aside, there is an underlying truth behind it. Background music is universally used in sessions and it has a significant affect on their atmosphere and energy. Yet it’s never a part of the pre-scene negotiation. At best it’s music the domme likes to listen to and at worst it’s an afterthought to cover the screams. From the professional domme perspective, isn’t there an opportunity for differentiation or even monetization here?

I’m not going to go as far as suggesting that submissives simply be allowed to bring along their own playlists. That’d most likely end up with the wrong person in the room being tortured. Instead maybe a domme could offer a selection of session playlists of her choosing. Or offer regular clients a chance to curate a playlist within her defined parameters. Or, for an extra $100, allow the submissive to choose a Pandora station that’s acceptable to her.

One could of course argue that the domme is supposed to be the one in charge, so why is the submissive getting any say? I understand that perspective when talking about the energy and direction of how a scene unfolds, but the broader context for a scene is something that is very much a shared discussion. Roleplays, activities, limits, interests and even outfits are all fair game for pre-scene negotiation.  So why not music? Whether it’s an upsell to make money or an opportunity to reward regular clients, it seems like an opportunity going begging.

This artwork is by the American artist Robert E. McGinnis.

Breaking the Taboo

This post risks making a lot of pro-dommes very mad. I’m going to go out on a limb for my readers here and talk about a very taboo session activity. Something that almost all professionals will say absolutely never happens with any of their clients. Yet I’m here to tell you that just sometimes, if the mood and dynamic is right, if the right level of trust is established, it can happen. The submissive might actually be allowed to pick the playlist for the session music.

I know this to be true because – in the immortal words of the Penthouse readers letters page – I never thought it would happen to me, until a mysterious but very attractive lady propositioned me with it sometime last year. I say mysterious because I’m definitely not going to say who it was. I may be crazy enough to risk the general wrath of pro-dommes with this post, but I’m not going to risk the very specific wrath of someone who I may session with in the future. I’d hate for this to come back and haunt me when I’m naked, bound and she has me quite literally by the balls.

For those readers who have never done a session with a pro-domme, I should make clear that background music is the one true constant of sessions. More so than black dungeon walls, leather cuffs and incomprehensible controls on janky showers. I don’t think I’ve ever done a session without some sort of music. And given that pro-dommes are inevitably younger and hipper than I am, rarely have I any idea what’s being played. Typically it’s a grab bag of electronic, ambient, dance, industrial and obscure indie. Good for drowning out screams, but not exactly my kind of jams.

With the domme in question – who I should make clear is still very much younger and hipper than me – we actually share some  musical interests. Which is how I came to get my ass beaten to some choice selections from the early oeuvre of Iron Maiden. Personally I think the energy and tempo changes in Phantom of the Opera make for great session music, but I’m not going to hold my breath for it to catch on more widely.

This image of a puppet pianist comes from the photographer Konrad Bak.

Be a Good Boy

I’m going to resist the urge to get into the politics of Brexit here. Firstly, because I’m sure nobody comes here for British politics. Secondly, because it’d take me a dozen posts just to start to unpack it, and frankly I don’t have the time.

However, I did have to laugh at John Bercow repeatedly admonishing an MP to ‘Be a good boy’. It’s such a classic femdom expression. I’m sure a non-trivial number of Members of Parliament have received that instruction from a leather clad domme while they grovelled at her feet. I’m not sure who the Speaker was yelling at, but I hope the target of his ire resisted the urge to bend down and kiss the Speaker’s shoes. Although, on the other hand, maybe Boris would have thanked him for the welcome distraction from everything else that was going on.

I believe this is from a Managa by Hiroaki Samura.

On the Edge

I saw a tweet from a pro-domme a while back that made me laugh and stuck in my head. I can’t remember who it was from or the exact words, but it was along the lines of – “Important reminder: Edging does not count as edgeplay.”

There was no context to the tweet, but I imagine it being triggered as cry of frustration. She’s ready and raring to go with needles, sutures and knives, and then yet another ‘edgeplay’ client turns up expecting lube, vibrators and some sensual tease and denial. He’s a hardcore edge player, willing to push the limits of having his dick stroked.

The inherent humor of the tweet made me smile, but I think it stuck with me because of the contradiction: Edging can actually be incredibly intense. Particularly when the bottom has no control over it. Clearly it’s not edgeplay, as there’s no risk involved, but when I think about some of my most intense sessions, often edging and denial was involved. Pain comes and goes. It can often feel very binary. I can either take it or I can’t. Yet sensual frustration and pleasurable denial is a wave of sensation that can mess with the brain in strange ways for hours. I’ve even sobbed in those kind of scenes. I’m not saying it’s more intense than needles through the dick but, at its best, it can be of comparable intensity, which seems very counter-intutive.

This artwork is of course by Kami Tora.

Cause and Effect

The effect of pornography on its consumers is an endlessly debated topic. I’m sure the study described in this article will not end it, but it does offer an interesting datapoint.

The study in question interviewed some porn ‘superfans’ at AVN and asked them a few simple questions designed to expose misogynistic attitudes. The result showed the porn fans were actually slightly more progressive than the national average on some questions, and no worse than the average on the remaining questions. Not exactly a slam dunk for porn, and the survey does seem incredibly simplistic, but it’s a result that probably runs against mainstream expectations.

It’d be interesting to see a similar study done with a breakdown across the type of porn people liked. You’d hope that femdom porn fans would be particularly supportive of women and their rights, but sadly I’m not sure that life is always that simple. People have a remarkable ability to retain multiple conflicting viewpoints all that the same time, particularly when each viewpoint benefits them in different situations. A depressing large number of guys seems to get off on the fantasy of dominant women while still being selfish sexist assholes on a day to day basis.

Not exactly sure where this image is from. I suspect it’s one of the cuckold themed femdom sites, but I couldn’t track a specific referenence down.

Bondage Liberation

This is a lovely shot from Bondage Liberation and Elise Graves. What particularly makes it work for me is the contrast between the heavily fetishistic bondage scene and the human touch of Elise’s smile and casual pose. It’s great to be intense while still retaining a sense of playfulness.

Image is from this tweet. You can get a lot more similar content at the Bondage Liberation site.