Humor – Page 22 – Femdom Resource

A suspension scene (for my disbelief)

A few posts ago I made a remark to the effect that frequent use of a safeword suggested somebody was doing something wrong. Femi then left a comment containing this…

I know at least one submissive who sees ProDommes, and doesn’t feel he got this money’s worth if he doesn’t safeword. He wants to be pushed that far.

I found that interesting, as I’d never thought to play like that, and it instinctively felt wrong to do. I don’t mean wrong in a pejorative or objective sense. If that’s the way you play then by all means have at it and good luck to you. I meant wrong for me personally. However, I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. It took a couple of days of pondering to really get a handle on it.

I think it ultimately comes down to control. I like to be pushed in a session, but I also like to feel I have no control over it. Knowing that I’m always going to safeword gives me a decision point that will constantly be in the back of my mind. A session structured around a climatic moment where I take back control seems like the wrong focus. In reality I can always stop any scene at any time (despite having no official safeword when playing with Lydia). But I prefer to immerse myself in the idea that I have no options, suspend my disbelief, and let the domme decide when it’s over.

I suspect part of this is the difference between being a pure masochist and being a submissive masochist. I’m generalizing here, but I’d say the pure masochist is interested mainly in sensations. It’s an inward focus on his pain. I enjoy that as well, but I get off more on the enjoyment of the sadist. It’s an outward focus on her, almost to the point of becoming disembodied. My physical presence is no longer my own. To safeword therefore feels like taking something away from the domme and breaking that spell. To a pure masochist it’s simply an indication that a certain threshold in pain has been successfully reached (or not reached in some cases).

The comic is from the entertaining Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. I might start trying this approach in meetings and seeing what reaction I get. Although some of our more brutal design reviews might genuinely benefit from the idea!

Girls with slingshots

I recently stumbled across the Girls with Slingshots comic and have been enjoying catching up with it. And by ‘catching up’ I mean reading from first to last in consecutive evenings over several glasses of wine. It’s funny, smart and beautifully drawn. It also manages to treat sex as a normal part of life, rather than ignoring it or using it purely for shock value.

It helps that one of the characters, Clarice, is a dominant woman. In fact a geeky, smart, dominant librarian, which is a combination I wouldn’t describe myself as averse to. I also like the fact that her sexuality is treated seriously, in that it’s the basis for jokes but not the butt of them. However, it is a bit unfortunate that the artist chose to make her work as a part time pro-domme. As regularly readers of this blog are no doubt aware, I’m a big fan of pro-dommes, but the stereotype that dominant woman equals pro-domme does get a little old. It’d be nice to see a woman portrayed who can simply enjoy her dominant nature without feeling the need to turn it into a money spinner.

The BDSM lingo and protocols are pretty accurately depicted, but I do have to quibble with the first comic below. Either he’s a bad submissive and using his safeword incorrectly, or he’s wrong about her skills. Being a good dominant is not about how quickly you can get the submissive to cry uncle!

These three comics come from a short sequence featuring Clarice starting here. You can see the sequence where her friends discover her secret life starting here. There’s a few comics on her dating life starting here, and a storyline here where she deals with a very unsuitable suitor. However, I highly recommend browsing the entire comic. It’s a very well executed piece of art.

Simplify your vagina

My latest favorite way to kill a few minutes between emails is the Least Helpful site. It bills itself as ‘Daily Dispatches from the Internet’s Worst Reviewers’, and contains everything from sensitive Nazi’s to olfactory innovators.

As far as this blog goes, there are a few sex related ones. I kind of liked the guy trying to cure the aches and pains in his G-Spot, and the very unimaginative handcuff purchaser. Not to mention the guy who seems to have penises on the brain (and in the ears). But my absolute favorite was this review for She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. I’ve no idea if the book is good, but I did learn something about the reviewer.

Women, simplify your vaginas. Make it work without making us read long books on a useless topic

I might be going out on a limb here, but something tells me he may not be a particularly sensitive and selfless lover. Or all that knowledgeable about female anatomy.

The obvious answer for him is that he should just stick to the cock. I’m guessing he’s pretty experienced with his own. If he has any difficulty I’m sure someone like Mistress T would be happy to guide him in the right direction.

Should by some miracle he find himself a lady who’ll let him near her very complex lady parts, she could try a firm hand to encourage him to learn. But I suspect the best plan is just to take him out of the equation altogether, in the manner of the image below. That’ll keep things nice and simple for him.

I found this on the Thoughts of a Dork (aka ephanyroyce) tumblr. It’s originally from Divine Bitches.

Who’s honoring me now?

I was very happy to learn that I featured at position 18 in the recently released Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012. To be honest I’d never heard of this list until a few days ago, and I’ve no idea exactly how the nomination or judging process works. However, on reading it I was immediately struck by the great wisdom and insightful perception of the compiler, Rori. Clearly she’s someone whose judgement should be beyond reproach. And you can trust me on that. I am after all the 18th greatest sex blogger in the world.

A number of my fellow femdom bloggers, with whom I’ve exchanged many friendly comments and emails in the past, also made it onto the list. Ferns in 27th, D from Dumb Domme in 31st, Axe at 49th, Suzanne at 72nd, etc. To them, and all the thousands of nameless sex bloggers who toil over their keyboards every day for little recognition, I say: Suck It! Clearly you’re neither as sexy or as bloggy as me.

If I’m reading this right (and I am), then this is also implies I’m the 18th greatest blogger in the world at sex. I always thought that was true, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by a stranger on the internet. I knew those years of practice alone would pay off. Now I just need to find all the women I’ve slept with in the last few years and show it to both of them. They claimed I was rubbish, but I always said it was impossible for them to form a proper opinion in just a few seconds.

The only thing I’m disappointed by is the lack of an inscribed award statue to stick over the fireplace. Even just a badge or a T-shirt would have been nice. I’m going to be in Vegas again in a weeks time, and I’ve got to think that they would make a great conversation starter in bars. Just as long as nobody from positions 1 through 17 were there to sex-blog block me.

I’ve no idea what image would be suitable for a sex blog award, so here’s an attractive lady in lacy lingerie holding a riding crop. You’re welcome.

The picture is from the Dominant Ladies tumblr. For anyone who has never seen Stephen Colbert, and might be in danger of thinking I was being serious in the post, here and here are some examples of what you’ve been missing.

Happenstance

I always take an odd pleasure in discovering connections between seemingly unrelated posts. Humans are pre-programmed to look for patterns and stories, and I enjoy it when my random web browsing creates that kind of connection.

A few days ago I read this post from Tynan Fox (via a post at eros blog), where Tynan (a gay guy) gets a flogging from a pro-domme (Mistress Mara). I though it was interesting but not necessarily blog-worthy. The very next day, via a femdom tumblr, I came across the Garden Hose comic and the two comic strips below. Just in case it’s not clear, they feature a straight female top and gay male bottom. That’s not exactly a common pairing, so to stumble across these two posts in consecutive days was kind of weird.

The Garden Hose comic has sadly been on hiatus since late last year. If like me you’ve never encountered it before, it’s well worth a browse through the archives. I particularly liked this strip, along with this and this. In another strange coincidence it’s written by Fern, who I assume is not the same as this Ferns. What is it about Pteridophyta that make them attractive to dominant women? Clearly I should start cultivating a few on my windowsill.

A great example (of how not to do it)

I’ve often considered writing a submissive’s guide to organizing a first pro-domme session. Not that I’m any sort of expert, but I picture it as a letter to my younger self. The sort of article I wish I’d read when I was 21. Fortunately, I’m not sure I need to write it anymore. An article entitled ‘No, a dominatrix won’t have sex with you‘ pretty much provides the definitive guide. Just do exactly the opposite of whatever this guy does, and you should be OK.

Admittedly he didn’t initially realize she was a professional (in purely a taking the money sense of the word), but I don’t think it changes the basic message. For example, if she’s happy to meet you at 2am on the street and then mistakes you for her drug dealer, don’t do what this guy did and return to her apartment. Similarly, if the pre-scene discussion consists of her mentioning her boyfriend and then saying she’ll do it for free because you’re cute, that is not your cue to take your shirt off.

My favorite part of the whole thing was his last line – “The biggest lesson I took from this is one that I will carry to my grave: A dominatrix doesn’t have sex with you.” Really? That was your big learning point? A few others did spring to my mind. Add while that statement is generally true for pro-dommes in the US, for any random OKCupid date you meet collecting garbage on the street at 2am, I’d say all bets are off.

I’ll leave you with a picture of a real pro-domme having fun with her ‘boy toy’. This is Ms Mona Rogers, a genuine professional (in all senses of that word) from NYC.

That Wascally Wabbit

I’m not sure if this really counts as femdom. Bugs may have a penchant for slipping into a dress whenever the situation demands it, but he is consistently portrayed as a male rabbit. I guess that makes this cross dressing bestiality BDSM. That’s typically not a category that I’m eager to see an image from. However, this one made me smile. It seems to fit with Bug’s personality so well. And, God help me, he does look pretty good in that black, white and blonde get-up.

I believe the artist goes by the handle Bathgate21. You can see more of his work in this gallery. I also enjoyed this image, featuring Bugs, Elmer and Daffy. They make a great trio whatever the situation, and featured in one of the funniest cartoon sequences ever committed to celluloid.

10 ways to tell if your sex article is rubbish

Reading Cosmo has always been a guilty pleasure. When I was young, and furtively reading copies my mother brought home, it seemed a fascinating window into a sophisticated adult world. Now I’m older, and find it in waiting rooms, it’s still a fascinating window into a different world. Unfortunately the world is one of absolutely nutty advice written by people who appear to have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about.

I’ve recently seen a few blog posts pointing to a Jezebel article mocking Cosmo’s BDSM advice. However, I have to say they’re a little late to the game. Cliff over at The Pervocracy has been entertainingly pulling apart their sex advice for years now. And while mocking Cosmo sex advice is like shooting fish in a barrel – if it’s a tiny barrel, and a big fish, and it’s dead already, and you’ve got a shotgun – I have to say she’s doing a much better job of it then Jezebel. Here’s a taster from her most recent post…

If you ask him out on a second date, he’ll likely feel emasculated… and that’s pretty much the worst thing you can do to a guy.

It’s gotta be inconvenient having your gender role defined by what someone else does. You’re going along, being all masculine, and then your date fucks it up and breaks your masculinity so you have to be feminine! And you don’t even own a decent pair of heels so then you have to go shopping! Talk about a pain in the neck!

And here’s a snippet from her take on their article on that book…

Maybe it will discuss how BDSM exists as a community, how it encompasses a broad range of activities and motivations, and above all else, how crucial enthusiastic consent and explicit communication are in BDSM!

Suprise-attack him with a few of these tonight… and that’s an order.

…Maybe not.

Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower–wet skin is more sensitive.

That’s not a sexy surprise, Cosmo. That’s battery.

If you’ve not read any of The Pervocracy articles before, then I think you’re in for an entertaining treat. In the meantime, I’ll use the flimsy above reference to a swat with a hairbrush to feature this image. It’s of Miss Dawn, a professional disciplinary from Cambridge in the UK.

If you find yourself in the Cambridge region and fancy a swat across the thigh with this hairbrush (wet or otherwise), Miss Dawn’s session information is here. I originally found the image on the Strict Women tumblr.

Size does matter!

Slogans on t-shirts tend to have only a very loose relationship with reality. I have a soft spot for my George Carlin one – “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups” – but in general they’re not a reliable source of information. In terms of credibility they rank somewhere between bumper stickers and Fox news. Although not necessarily in that order.

However, judging by the pictures below, it appears that Mistress Lana is someone who believes in living up to her clothing’s slogans. That’s a large cigar and an even larger strap-on. The featured gentleman looks a little perturbed. I hope for his sake the slogan on the back of the shirt is something like this.

Mistress Lana is a Moscow based pro-domme. If you find yourself in that part of the world, her session information is available here.

Sapphic sisters saddle up

I’m not sure I can strictly count this as femdom, but it was such an amusing book cover and title that I just had to feature it. In my defense, the lady on the left with the boots, riding crop and oh so tight top, is definitely looking with dominant and predatory intent towards the demure lady on the right.

I found it via this article on some of the worst book covers of all time. Obviously in this particular case when they said ‘worst’, they actually meant ‘most awesome’. It’s available from amazon, should pulp fiction featuring sisters of sapphos and glossy coated fillies be your thing.

I was also tempted to feature this book cover, which might have appealed to all the castration fantasists out there. Unfortunately, I think it’s a photoshopped version of this book, so doesn’t really count.