Humor – Page 23 – Femdom Resource

Who’s honoring me now?

I was very happy to learn that I featured at position 18 in the recently released Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012. To be honest I’d never heard of this list until a few days ago, and I’ve no idea exactly how the nomination or judging process works. However, on reading it I was immediately struck by the great wisdom and insightful perception of the compiler, Rori. Clearly she’s someone whose judgement should be beyond reproach. And you can trust me on that. I am after all the 18th greatest sex blogger in the world.

A number of my fellow femdom bloggers, with whom I’ve exchanged many friendly comments and emails in the past, also made it onto the list. Ferns in 27th, D from Dumb Domme in 31st, Axe at 49th, Suzanne at 72nd, etc. To them, and all the thousands of nameless sex bloggers who toil over their keyboards every day for little recognition, I say: Suck It! Clearly you’re neither as sexy or as bloggy as me.

If I’m reading this right (and I am), then this is also implies I’m the 18th greatest blogger in the world at sex. I always thought that was true, but it’s nice to have it confirmed by a stranger on the internet. I knew those years of practice alone would pay off. Now I just need to find all the women I’ve slept with in the last few years and show it to both of them. They claimed I was rubbish, but I always said it was impossible for them to form a proper opinion in just a few seconds.

The only thing I’m disappointed by is the lack of an inscribed award statue to stick over the fireplace. Even just a badge or a T-shirt would have been nice. I’m going to be in Vegas again in a weeks time, and I’ve got to think that they would make a great conversation starter in bars. Just as long as nobody from positions 1 through 17 were there to sex-blog block me.

I’ve no idea what image would be suitable for a sex blog award, so here’s an attractive lady in lacy lingerie holding a riding crop. You’re welcome.

The picture is from the Dominant Ladies tumblr. For anyone who has never seen Stephen Colbert, and might be in danger of thinking I was being serious in the post, here and here are some examples of what you’ve been missing.

Happenstance

I always take an odd pleasure in discovering connections between seemingly unrelated posts. Humans are pre-programmed to look for patterns and stories, and I enjoy it when my random web browsing creates that kind of connection.

A few days ago I read this post from Tynan Fox (via a post at eros blog), where Tynan (a gay guy) gets a flogging from a pro-domme (Mistress Mara). I though it was interesting but not necessarily blog-worthy. The very next day, via a femdom tumblr, I came across the Garden Hose comic and the two comic strips below. Just in case it’s not clear, they feature a straight female top and gay male bottom. That’s not exactly a common pairing, so to stumble across these two posts in consecutive days was kind of weird.

The Garden Hose comic has sadly been on hiatus since late last year. If like me you’ve never encountered it before, it’s well worth a browse through the archives. I particularly liked this strip, along with this and this. In another strange coincidence it’s written by Fern, who I assume is not the same as this Ferns. What is it about Pteridophyta that make them attractive to dominant women? Clearly I should start cultivating a few on my windowsill.

A great example (of how not to do it)

I’ve often considered writing a submissive’s guide to organizing a first pro-domme session. Not that I’m any sort of expert, but I picture it as a letter to my younger self. The sort of article I wish I’d read when I was 21. Fortunately, I’m not sure I need to write it anymore. An article entitled ‘No, a dominatrix won’t have sex with you‘ pretty much provides the definitive guide. Just do exactly the opposite of whatever this guy does, and you should be OK.

Admittedly he didn’t initially realize she was a professional (in purely a taking the money sense of the word), but I don’t think it changes the basic message. For example, if she’s happy to meet you at 2am on the street and then mistakes you for her drug dealer, don’t do what this guy did and return to her apartment. Similarly, if the pre-scene discussion consists of her mentioning her boyfriend and then saying she’ll do it for free because you’re cute, that is not your cue to take your shirt off.

My favorite part of the whole thing was his last line – “The biggest lesson I took from this is one that I will carry to my grave: A dominatrix doesn’t have sex with you.” Really? That was your big learning point? A few others did spring to my mind. Add while that statement is generally true for pro-dommes in the US, for any random OKCupid date you meet collecting garbage on the street at 2am, I’d say all bets are off.

I’ll leave you with a picture of a real pro-domme having fun with her ‘boy toy’. This is Ms Mona Rogers, a genuine professional (in all senses of that word) from NYC.

That Wascally Wabbit

I’m not sure if this really counts as femdom. Bugs may have a penchant for slipping into a dress whenever the situation demands it, but he is consistently portrayed as a male rabbit. I guess that makes this cross dressing bestiality BDSM. That’s typically not a category that I’m eager to see an image from. However, this one made me smile. It seems to fit with Bug’s personality so well. And, God help me, he does look pretty good in that black, white and blonde get-up.

I believe the artist goes by the handle Bathgate21. You can see more of his work in this gallery. I also enjoyed this image, featuring Bugs, Elmer and Daffy. They make a great trio whatever the situation, and featured in one of the funniest cartoon sequences ever committed to celluloid.

10 ways to tell if your sex article is rubbish

Reading Cosmo has always been a guilty pleasure. When I was young, and furtively reading copies my mother brought home, it seemed a fascinating window into a sophisticated adult world. Now I’m older, and find it in waiting rooms, it’s still a fascinating window into a different world. Unfortunately the world is one of absolutely nutty advice written by people who appear to have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about.

I’ve recently seen a few blog posts pointing to a Jezebel article mocking Cosmo’s BDSM advice. However, I have to say they’re a little late to the game. Cliff over at The Pervocracy has been entertainingly pulling apart their sex advice for years now. And while mocking Cosmo sex advice is like shooting fish in a barrel – if it’s a tiny barrel, and a big fish, and it’s dead already, and you’ve got a shotgun – I have to say she’s doing a much better job of it then Jezebel. Here’s a taster from her most recent post…

If you ask him out on a second date, he’ll likely feel emasculated… and that’s pretty much the worst thing you can do to a guy.

It’s gotta be inconvenient having your gender role defined by what someone else does. You’re going along, being all masculine, and then your date fucks it up and breaks your masculinity so you have to be feminine! And you don’t even own a decent pair of heels so then you have to go shopping! Talk about a pain in the neck!

And here’s a snippet from her take on their article on that book…

Maybe it will discuss how BDSM exists as a community, how it encompasses a broad range of activities and motivations, and above all else, how crucial enthusiastic consent and explicit communication are in BDSM!

Suprise-attack him with a few of these tonight… and that’s an order.

…Maybe not.

Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower–wet skin is more sensitive.

That’s not a sexy surprise, Cosmo. That’s battery.

If you’ve not read any of The Pervocracy articles before, then I think you’re in for an entertaining treat. In the meantime, I’ll use the flimsy above reference to a swat with a hairbrush to feature this image. It’s of Miss Dawn, a professional disciplinary from Cambridge in the UK.

If you find yourself in the Cambridge region and fancy a swat across the thigh with this hairbrush (wet or otherwise), Miss Dawn’s session information is here. I originally found the image on the Strict Women tumblr.

Size does matter!

Slogans on t-shirts tend to have only a very loose relationship with reality. I have a soft spot for my George Carlin one – “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups” – but in general they’re not a reliable source of information. In terms of credibility they rank somewhere between bumper stickers and Fox news. Although not necessarily in that order.

However, judging by the pictures below, it appears that Mistress Lana is someone who believes in living up to her clothing’s slogans. That’s a large cigar and an even larger strap-on. The featured gentleman looks a little perturbed. I hope for his sake the slogan on the back of the shirt is something like this.

Mistress Lana is a Moscow based pro-domme. If you find yourself in that part of the world, her session information is available here.

Sapphic sisters saddle up

I’m not sure I can strictly count this as femdom, but it was such an amusing book cover and title that I just had to feature it. In my defense, the lady on the left with the boots, riding crop and oh so tight top, is definitely looking with dominant and predatory intent towards the demure lady on the right.

I found it via this article on some of the worst book covers of all time. Obviously in this particular case when they said ‘worst’, they actually meant ‘most awesome’. It’s available from amazon, should pulp fiction featuring sisters of sapphos and glossy coated fillies be your thing.

I was also tempted to feature this book cover, which might have appealed to all the castration fantasists out there. Unfortunately, I think it’s a photoshopped version of this book, so doesn’t really count.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

Today’s post brings you a two year old story that isn’t femdom related. However, it was just so ludicrous that I couldn’t resist featuring it.

The story features a man accused of possessing tiger bestiality porn. As a kink enthusiast I like some danger mixed in with my sex, but getting a tiger involved seems a touch extreme. I’m not sure they fully understand the concept of safe words. The police arrested him and took him to court, whereupon, as this newspaper articles describes…

The prosecution offered no evidence when it was accepted that the tiger in the clip was not real, and that it was all a joke.
It emerged in court that police and prosecutors had not previously listened to the film with the sound on.
Following the act, the tiger turned to the camera and roared: “That beats the Frosties advert!”.

It’s a story that raises some interesting questions. For a start, just how realistic was this tiger costume? Are some of the Pixar animators now getting involved in making bestiality videos on the side? I’ve never seen a pantomime animal outfit that’d be mistaken for the real thing even for a second. Either we’ve stumbled across the world’s greatest animal impersonator or the police were morons. Also, where did they think the tiger was from? Did they start phoning around local zoos? That must have been an interesting conversation – “Excuse me sir, but have you noticed anyone fucking your tiger recently?” And exactly who did the police think they were protecting in this case? I know bestiality raises the issues of consent and cruelty, but a tiger? I understand that no means no, but I also think that getting ripped limb from limb by a 600lb killing machine probably means no as well.

More seriously, it illustrates a point about dealing with the police in these situations. This was a guy who got sent a joke video-clip and ended up in court because the investigating officer couldn’t even be bother to turn his speakers up. Imagine the incredible stress and hassle involved, not to mention the embarrassment factor, only to have the police and prosecution go “Ooops, our bad. Have a nice day.” The police aren’t paid to be fair or to try and do the right thing. Their job is to get enough evidence to arrest someone, possibly you, for whatever they think they can get a conviction for.

I’m both amused and simultaneously depressed when I see sex workers using elaborate codes and euphemisms to try and avoid legal entanglement. Payment is always a tribute or a donation. Sometimes it’s in roses, and they’re given just for time spent, never sexual services. Don’t offer the money, just leave it visibly on the side. Some pro-dommes will even not tell you to get undressed, instead the coded request is just to ‘get ready’. I understand the thinking, but the cynic in me suspects it’s all wasted effort. If a cop has decided to go after a discrete and professional sex worker who isn’t bothering her neighbors, then he’s probably not going to let little details like what was actually said get in the way. It’ll be her word against his, and I’m sure the jury will hear whatever magic phrases are necessary to secure the conviction.

If you’ve never seen the talk by Professor James Duane entitled “Don’t talk to the police” then I highly recommend watching it. Hopefully none of my readers will ever find themselves needing it. Sadly, as the original story shows, you never know when the police might intersect with your life in unfortunate ways. I just hope that Michael Palin and Eric Idle don’t find themselves under investigation for theft of a leg.

Finding tiger related femdom images for this post proved difficult. I’m therefore going to go with the law enforcement theme. Here’s Cole Conners from Men In Pain extracting a confession from Plew. Let’s hope he keeps Professor Duane’s advice in mind while she’s caning his genitals.

Public service film, British style

This advert for road safety strikes me as quintessentially British. Sexual innuendo, double entendres and weirdness in seemingly normal suburbs are a big part of British culture and humor. Road safety and kink aren’t obvious companions, but go ahead and click the link and you’ll see why I featured it. It puts me in mind of Personal Services, a British movie from the 80’s about commercial sex, kink and suburban strangeness. The scenes in the film bear no relationship to any kind of sex work I’ve ever encountered, but it is pretty funny, as this set of clips demonstrate.

While I’m on the subject of advertisements and motorbikes, am I the only submissive male around here with a crush on Carly Foulkes, the girl from the T-Mobile ads? I always kind of liked her in the early pink look adverts, and throwing on motorcycle leathers only added to the allure. There’s something very sexy about a girl who can ride a bike or drive fast. A skintight leather suit doesn’t hurt either. I’ll leave you with a picture of the beautiful Ms Foulkes herself.

Tease and denial with chocolate chips

This is a bit of a silly photograph sequence, but it made me smile. It features Ember of the Suicide Girls conducting a tease and denial session with Sesame Street’s cookie monster.

Of course the Sesame Street characters are always ripe for parody. There’s the Avenue Q take-off and porn song, which in the weird cyclical nature of the Internet has been reworked back to the original Muppet characters. I also always enjoyed Dave Chappelle’s riff on it.