Humor – Page 23 – Femdom Resource

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

Today’s post brings you a two year old story that isn’t femdom related. However, it was just so ludicrous that I couldn’t resist featuring it.

The story features a man accused of possessing tiger bestiality porn. As a kink enthusiast I like some danger mixed in with my sex, but getting a tiger involved seems a touch extreme. I’m not sure they fully understand the concept of safe words. The police arrested him and took him to court, whereupon, as this newspaper articles describes…

The prosecution offered no evidence when it was accepted that the tiger in the clip was not real, and that it was all a joke.
It emerged in court that police and prosecutors had not previously listened to the film with the sound on.
Following the act, the tiger turned to the camera and roared: “That beats the Frosties advert!”.

It’s a story that raises some interesting questions. For a start, just how realistic was this tiger costume? Are some of the Pixar animators now getting involved in making bestiality videos on the side? I’ve never seen a pantomime animal outfit that’d be mistaken for the real thing even for a second. Either we’ve stumbled across the world’s greatest animal impersonator or the police were morons. Also, where did they think the tiger was from? Did they start phoning around local zoos? That must have been an interesting conversation – “Excuse me sir, but have you noticed anyone fucking your tiger recently?” And exactly who did the police think they were protecting in this case? I know bestiality raises the issues of consent and cruelty, but a tiger? I understand that no means no, but I also think that getting ripped limb from limb by a 600lb killing machine probably means no as well.

More seriously, it illustrates a point about dealing with the police in these situations. This was a guy who got sent a joke video-clip and ended up in court because the investigating officer couldn’t even be bother to turn his speakers up. Imagine the incredible stress and hassle involved, not to mention the embarrassment factor, only to have the police and prosecution go “Ooops, our bad. Have a nice day.” The police aren’t paid to be fair or to try and do the right thing. Their job is to get enough evidence to arrest someone, possibly you, for whatever they think they can get a conviction for.

I’m both amused and simultaneously depressed when I see sex workers using elaborate codes and euphemisms to try and avoid legal entanglement. Payment is always a tribute or a donation. Sometimes it’s in roses, and they’re given just for time spent, never sexual services. Don’t offer the money, just leave it visibly on the side. Some pro-dommes will even not tell you to get undressed, instead the coded request is just to ‘get ready’. I understand the thinking, but the cynic in me suspects it’s all wasted effort. If a cop has decided to go after a discrete and professional sex worker who isn’t bothering her neighbors, then he’s probably not going to let little details like what was actually said get in the way. It’ll be her word against his, and I’m sure the jury will hear whatever magic phrases are necessary to secure the conviction.

If you’ve never seen the talk by Professor James Duane entitled “Don’t talk to the police” then I highly recommend watching it. Hopefully none of my readers will ever find themselves needing it. Sadly, as the original story shows, you never know when the police might intersect with your life in unfortunate ways. I just hope that Michael Palin and Eric Idle don’t find themselves under investigation for theft of a leg.

Finding tiger related femdom images for this post proved difficult. I’m therefore going to go with the law enforcement theme. Here’s Cole Conners from Men In Pain extracting a confession from Plew. Let’s hope he keeps Professor Duane’s advice in mind while she’s caning his genitals.

Public service film, British style

This advert for road safety strikes me as quintessentially British. Sexual innuendo, double entendres and weirdness in seemingly normal suburbs are a big part of British culture and humor. Road safety and kink aren’t obvious companions, but go ahead and click the link and you’ll see why I featured it. It puts me in mind of Personal Services, a British movie from the 80’s about commercial sex, kink and suburban strangeness. The scenes in the film bear no relationship to any kind of sex work I’ve ever encountered, but it is pretty funny, as this set of clips demonstrate.

While I’m on the subject of advertisements and motorbikes, am I the only submissive male around here with a crush on Carly Foulkes, the girl from the T-Mobile ads? I always kind of liked her in the early pink look adverts, and throwing on motorcycle leathers only added to the allure. There’s something very sexy about a girl who can ride a bike or drive fast. A skintight leather suit doesn’t hurt either. I’ll leave you with a picture of the beautiful Ms Foulkes herself.

Tease and denial with chocolate chips

This is a bit of a silly photograph sequence, but it made me smile. It features Ember of the Suicide Girls conducting a tease and denial session with Sesame Street’s cookie monster.

Of course the Sesame Street characters are always ripe for parody. There’s the Avenue Q take-off and porn song, which in the weird cyclical nature of the Internet has been reworked back to the original Muppet characters. I also always enjoyed Dave Chappelle’s riff on it.

Schoolgirl fantasies

The comic below is from Nic Buxom’s site. It’s one of those sites that I find and then wonder how I’ve never discovered it before. She’s a professional dominatrix, but also worked as a pro-sub, and has written a large number of amusing and perceptive comics from the inside of the professional BDSM world. I spent a happy couple of hours working forward in time from this, her first comic, to the more recent but equally entertaining examples. Definitely worth checking out her posts, and perhaps also stop by her store or commission pages.

50 shades of bleauh

BDSM has been popping up in the mainstream media recently thanks to the erotic novel ‘50 Shades of Grey‘. This book has been at the top of the digital best seller list, featured in mainstream magazines and newspapers, and just enjoyed a bidding war over the movie rights. It even got Dr. Drew in trouble for making dumb comments on the Today show.

When I first heard about it I was pleased that a BDSM novel was getting some widespread coverage. I liked the idea that people with a hidden kinky streak might feel they can explore it without embarrassing themselves. Then I took a look inside it via the free pages on Amazon. It’s pretty underwhelming. In fact I was about as far from whelmed as it’s possible to be. I can enjoy all sorts of gender and D/s combinations if they’re done well, but this has horrible prose, characters, structure, plot, you name it. I think this reviewer nailed it when she said “…this is a pretty dreadful book. Put simply, author E L James … is not a very good writer”.

I’ll quote a small section to give you a taste of what I mean. Here’s a scene where the male dominant is presenting his rules and limits to the lead female character. They’ve done nothing together at this point, and the female proto-submissive is not only completely inexperienced in BDSM, but is also a virgin who doesn’t even masturbate. There’s no reason given for this. She’s not crazy religious or anything, she’s just your typically 21 year old female college student whose sexual experience consists of being kissed twice.

I stare down at his rules. Waxing! Waxing what?
Everything? Ugh.

“So, limits. These are mine.” He hands me another piece of paper.

Hard Limits
No acts involving fire play.
No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof
No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood.
No acts involving gynecological medical instruments
No acts involving children or animals
No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin
No acts involving breath control

Ugh. He has to write these down! Of course – they all look very sensible, and frankly, necessary… any sane person wouldn’t want to be involved in this sort of thing surely? Though I now feel a little queasy.
“Is there anything you’d like to add?” he asks kindly.
Crap. I’ve no idea. I am completely stumped. He gazes at me and furrows his brow.
From ’50 Shades of Grey’

From a writing point of view the ‘Ugh’ and the ‘Crap’ are jarring to read. The book seems to be full of these kind of interjections, including an endless stream of ‘Holy ****’ (just in a few pages I spotted a heck, a shit, a crap, a fuck and a cow). From a character development point of view I instantly hate the guy for putting ‘no children or animals’ into his list. Anyone who feels the need to do that is highly suspect. And from a plot perspective it makes zero sense to have a conversation about limits with someone who has no clue what is going on or what the possibilities are. It’s like the author knew about the idea of listing and negotiating limits, but had absolutely zero idea how to build it into the plot in a realistic and believable way.

I realize that my own attempts at fiction don’t exactly mark me out as the second coming of Shakespeare (although I did grow up near his home town), but there are a lot of genuinely good BDSM authors out there. Lily over at theblackleatherbelt just wrote a post on an anthology featuring some of them. Alternatively, from the femdom perspective, Her Majesty’s Plaything just featured a series of posts on Titian Beresford. Sascha Illyvich has even put together a handy list of 50 books she thinks are better options.

In my opinion the best literary thing to have come out of the book is this brilliant short parody written by the genuinely talented author Laura Antoniou (responsible for the Marketplace series). It’s far more entertaining than the original, while capturing the style perfectly.

It’s entirely possible that my original hopes for this book will still be realized. If it makes more people open to BDSM and exploring their own sexual desires then it probably doesn’t matter that it reads like the worst kind of internet fan fiction. And it’s nice to see an author making a bunch of money via one of the new publishing routes. I just wish this breakout book had been one I could recommend to people, rather than one I’d hate to be associated with.

Picking an image for this post was a little tricky, as Mf material isn’t the goal of the blog. I decided to go with a shot that featured both a female submissive and dominant reading a book that’s a touch better written than 50 shades of grey.

I found this shot on the Beauty of Submission tumblr.

Pushing his buttons

After yesterday’s wordy ramblings, here’s a little bit of light entertainment. It’s an advertisement for the Dream Lover 2000, in the form of a flash movie (note that linked page has sound). For those that have never seen this device before, it looks like an advanced form of an electro-shock collar, but designed for a chastity device. The movie is nicely done, with a fun contrast between the upbeat lighthearted style and the function of the device being sold. In fact their whole site is a little unusual. It’s put together in a slick but quite serious way, like they’re selling training devices into a corporate market rather than a BDSM sex toy. There’s a lot of talk about operant conditioning and microchip controllers, but nothing about D/s or kink.

I thought I’d pick an image of a suitably well behaved and trained male. Here’s a little domestic service courtesy of the artist Juan Puyal. I came across it on the Femdom Style Counsel tumblr.

O Canada!

You’ll have to excuse this post. Or not, your call. Either way, it’s going to be a non-femdom focused one. Instead it’s a couple of random things that caught my eye from north of the border.

The first amused me. It’s a series of commercials for a Canadian porn channel that play with the traditional porn stereotypes. There’s a pool boy, pizza guy and a cop ticketing an attractive young lady. They must have had the only casting call where bad acting was a prerequisite.

The second annoyed me. The beautiful woman below is Jenna Talackova, who was disqualified last week from the Miss Universe Canada competition for being born male. She had gender re-assignment surgery in 2010, but apparently didn’t meet the competition requirements of being born a ‘natural woman’. She’d already made it through to the finals, so clearly the earlier judges must have thought she was a suitably attractive competitor.

Miss World and Miss Universe pageants aren’t exactly at the cultural or intellectual cutting edge, but this struck me as particularly dumb even by their standards. In some circumstances qualifying requirements are obviously necessary. For example, this kind of issue can be a thorny one in the area of sports, where genetic men may have a natural advantage. But in a beauty competition? It’s not like being born male offers any kind of advantage. In fact it’s quite the opposite. Are they worried a flood of guys are going to be inspired to try pulling on a frock and entering? If she can overcome the issues of being born with the wrong body and still end up looking this amazing then good luck to her. They don’t ban cosmetic surgery for the other competitors. It seems hypocritical to ban it for her.

Incidentally, if you happen on a news article covering this story I’d advise you to stop reading before you get to the readers comments. Otherwise you may feel like taking a bath afterwards. When you spend a lot of time hanging out on blogs written and frequented by open minded LGBT positive people, you tend to forget just how many hateful people there are out there.

Making a good first impression

In the last few days I’ve been enjoying the autobiographical writing of Stephen Fry in his book The Fry Chronicles. He’s well known as a writer, actor and comedian in the UK, although in the US he’s probably best known for his role as Dietrich (the TV host character) in V for Vendetta. I believe he’s also going to be in the upcoming film of Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

He has a great collection of anecdotes, including this one from when he first met Miriam Margolyes. She’s another well known face in Britain, a celebrated character actress who has featured in many significant productions, and was awarded the OBE (Order of the British Empire) for her work. They meet for the very first time at the read through for a play.

…Miriam Margolyes had burst in like a beaming pinball just in time for the start of the read. When is was over she approached me.
‘How do you do? I’m Mir…’ She stopped and plucked at her tongue with her thumb and forefinger, ‘…Miriam Margolyes. Sorry about that, I was licking my girlfriend out last night and I’ve still got some of her cunt hairs in my mouth.’
From ‘The Fry Chronicles’

That’s an introduction you are unlikely to forgot. Of course with the the modern mania for shaving this situation is now far less likely to present itself as an opening conversational gambit. I was going to feature this image originally, which I liked for her expression but not for inappropriate absence of hair. Then I stumbled across the shot below which struck me as very beautiful and very appropriate. Not strictly femdom but a view I’m sure most submissive men will appreciate.

I found this on the Gorean Kajirus tumblr.

Puppy chow

After the last couple of posts I thought I was done with the dog theme. Then I came across this Max Fisch posting that I felt I had to share.

My partner had a puppy play session and we were buying the proper food. She didn’t want to use real puppy chow due to health concerns while I’ve never had a huge issue with it as the sub’s love it. I have used jerky as a substitute for dog treats, but the dog food itself I never had an issue with. Maybe I have just watched Showgirls too many times and the puppy chow line has become stuck in my head so it seems normal for humans to eat dog food.
….
We ended up compromising on Cocoa Puffs. They did the job, although that seems like quite the condemnation of Cocoa Puffs!
Queen Titania

I’ve always felt that following a busy pro-domme would make a great reality television show. They always have such unusual and yet interesting problems to solve. How do you work out what’s a good food for puppy play? Where do you research the health risks of dog food for humans? Of course I’m sure any TV show would screw it up horribly. They’d turn into a laugh at the freaks special, rather than an empathetic look at interesting people doing unusual things.

I have to admit, whenever I think of eating dog food, I think of Red Dwarf and Lister stuck on a particularly icy moon. Anyone not in tune with early 90’s British comedy has probably got no idea what I’m talking about, so here’s a little taste (with the relevant moment about 2 minutes in).

I’m afraid I couldn’t find a shot of a submissive eating puppy chow, or cocoa puffs for that matter. However, I did have this shot of Mistress Madeline and her doggy slave. It’s not a conventional place to attach a leash, but I’m sure it’s an effective one.

I like power exchange, not link exchange

This is going to be a fairly dry post about blog etiquette and site management. By way of compensation I do have a link to an amusing video clip at the end.

I get regular emails and comments pointing me to the senders blog or tumblr site. I’m always happy to receive these and discover new material. In some cases, when I think it’s worth sharing, I’ll add the links to an appropriate part of this site. Sometimes I’ll just keep an eye on the link and keep it as an option to add publicly after I’ve had chance to read it over a few weeks. The key criteria is do I think the link will be interesting and useful for any of my readers.

However, please don’t email me and offer to do a link exchange. I think it shows a poor attitude towards your sites readership. If you think my site would be interesting and useful to your readers, then link to it. If you’re right then you’ll be enhancing the value of your own site. If you don’t like it, then don’t link. It’s as easy as that. My criteria for linking always adopts that approach. I think if you concentrate on building the best most useful site you can, the rest will sort itself out.

OK. Minor blog rant over, here’s the video link I promised. It’s a sketch by the comedy group The Whitest Kids U Know, featuring a dominatrix’s first day on the job. It’s not hysterically funny, but it did made me smile. Although I’m pretty certain they’re wrong about the key to being a good dominatrix.