Tag: Humor

Edging Changed My Life

That post title sounds like hyperbole, but it really isn’t. Edging did change my life. I don’t think I’ve shared this story here before, but it seems an appropriate time to do so. After all, it is a holiday tale, albeit one with a touch more masturbation than is traditional for that genre. It starts sadly, but in common with most holiday stories and self pleasuring, has a happy ending.

The year was 2009 and I was grumpy. It was the week of Christmas and my friends were all out of town or busy with their families. My dating life had been non-existent all year and I was stuck at home, bored, alone, watching the Seattle rain. My life wasn’t particularly bad, it just felt like I was spinning in place, achieving little.

These days I’d tackle the holiday blues by arranging some hot kinky play. Sadly, back then the idea of actually exploring my kinks with another real life person seemed impossibly scary. I knew dommes existed, I just couldn’t imagine myself interacting with one. So instead I whiled away my vacation hours wandering through some of the stranger areas of the internet. It was there, on some obscure femdom forum, that I found a link to a series of femdom audio hypnosis files.

Hypnosis isn’t my kink, but one of the titles caught my eye: The 12 days of Christmas. It was an edging challenge. 12 hypnosis tracks based around edging at the end of each day, with no orgasms allowed until the last track. The accompanying blurb promised that the final days orgasm would be the most spectacular one of your life. I can’t speak to the truth of that – I only made it to day 10 – but the week or so of edging leading up to that did crazy things to my brain chemistry. I don’t think I was ever hypnotized, but I was so pleasantly frustrated and happily horny it broke down all my natural shyness and fear of reaching out to a domme. With a brain awash in endorphins, I resolved to shake things up and actually do something about my desires. In January 20210 I scheduled a session with a local pro-domme. My kinky self was finally out and has been flying high ever since.

To my eternal shame I don’t remember who produced the audio tracks. I only used them that one time, the disk they were on has long since died and all the similar examples I’ve found online aren’t quite the same thing. The bits of the hypnosis that were supposed to enthrall and dedicate me to their creator clearly didn’t stick. But that singular 10 day edging experience really did trigger a change in my life.

I’m not sure this shot of Mistress Madeline is strictly edging, but given the look on Parker London’s face, the build up has been pretty tortuous.

Mechanophilia

I’ve heard plenty of dommes complain about slaves slobbering all over their feet or shiny boots. The human tongue is rarely an effective mechanism to polish leather or clean a leg. However, I’ve never heard of a domme complaining about a slave ignoring her and licking the grill of the car she arrived in. Are they expecting him to lick the whole thing clean? Or did he take one look at the attractive ladies in fetish gear and decide that a fly splattered BMW grill was more his cup of tea? Also, at least one of the people there in very confused about how handcuffs work.

The image is from the classic British femdom magazine Cruella. This is one of their odder examples, but their magazine and site in the 90’s was very formative for the young paltego.

Off Leash

This cartoon is mining a common vein for jokes, but it’s a nicely done example of the type. I particularly like how happy the dogs are to see their new 2 legged friend. It looks like a fun time for all. Well apart from the domme that is, who sadly has the requisite scowl in place. That’s probably the least realistic thing about this cartoon. Given how much the average domme love animals, there’s no way she’d not be smiling in this situation.

I might be being particularly dumb, but the signature on this cartoon baffles me.  Can anyone point me at the artist so I can attribute it appropriately?

Updated: Thanks to a helpful comment from Tom I can attribute this to cartoonist Derek Evernden, who created the series Bogart Creek. You can purchase his book and  prints (including of this one) here.

Scent of a Woman

There’s a dedicated site for buying used underwear. This is a thing I did not know. It’s called sofiagray and I found it via this article they published on sweat fetish. I’m not surprised that the market exists. I’ve seen enough dommes selling used clothing via twitter to know it must be a money spinner. I’m just surprised I’ve never seen anyone doing it via this site.

I particularly love this missions statement from their front page.

Now, our objectives have changed. We no longer want a to be a platform for used panties, we want to be THE platform for used panties. Our efforts are solely devoted to hosting the most efficient, friendly, and safe used underwear platform for both buyers and sellers alike.

That’s the kind of line that makes a developers resume stand out. Just below ‘Software Architect’ and above ‘Director of Engineering’, I’d love to have the bullet point ‘Built THE platform for used panties.’ You’d never get a boring interview with that on your resume.

This amusingly captioned image is from Contemplating the Divine, and features my favorite kind of caption – turning points. I’m not sure if this is a product that Amazon actually carries, but I have to admit that I’m too scared to check by searching for it. I don’t want to risk adverts for used panties following me around the internet for the next few weeks.

 

Breaking the Taboo

This post risks making a lot of pro-dommes very mad. I’m going to go out on a limb for my readers here and talk about a very taboo session activity. Something that almost all professionals will say absolutely never happens with any of their clients. Yet I’m here to tell you that just sometimes, if the mood and dynamic is right, if the right level of trust is established, it can happen. The submissive might actually be allowed to pick the playlist for the session music.

I know this to be true because – in the immortal words of the Penthouse readers letters page – I never thought it would happen to me, until a mysterious but very attractive lady propositioned me with it sometime last year. I say mysterious because I’m definitely not going to say who it was. I may be crazy enough to risk the general wrath of pro-dommes with this post, but I’m not going to risk the very specific wrath of someone who I may session with in the future. I’d hate for this to come back and haunt me when I’m naked, bound and she has me quite literally by the balls.

For those readers who have never done a session with a pro-domme, I should make clear that background music is the one true constant of sessions. More so than black dungeon walls, leather cuffs and incomprehensible controls on janky showers. I don’t think I’ve ever done a session without some sort of music. And given that pro-dommes are inevitably younger and hipper than I am, rarely have I any idea what’s being played. Typically it’s a grab bag of electronic, ambient, dance, industrial and obscure indie. Good for drowning out screams, but not exactly my kind of jams.

With the domme in question – who I should make clear is still very much younger and hipper than me – we actually share some  musical interests. Which is how I came to get my ass beaten to some choice selections from the early oeuvre of Iron Maiden. Personally I think the energy and tempo changes in Phantom of the Opera make for great session music, but I’m not going to hold my breath for it to catch on more widely.

This image of a puppet pianist comes from the photographer Konrad Bak.

Friendly

There has been a bunch of debate on social media recently about how open to kink Pride events should be. One side maintains that kink should be kept indoors and making Pride family friendly is important. The other side says that kink has always been an important part of Pride, and we shouldn’t be embracing corporate sponsors and mainstream coverage at the expense of slicing up the community.

You can probably guess where I stand on the issue. It seems pretty messed up to have huge corporations like AT&T sponsoring events while at the same time telling some segments of the LBGTQ community they’re not welcome. Young children will think all the costumes are fun and older children will be more aware of and switched onto the issues than their parents. The only people who’ll be offended are the same people who say “I don’t mind what people do, as long as they keep it private.” In other words, their standards should be the community standards and everyone else should fit into their world view. Fuck those people.

Of course, the irony here is that I hate crowds, marching and doing anything before midday. So while I’ll make it to the latter parts of Seattle pride to applaud and cheer, I’ll not be in the parade and certainly not be dressed in anything outrageous. If I was going to take a kinky outfit public, this cartoon definitely represents my preferred option. After all, everyone likes a friendly dog.

This is from The Perry Bible Fellowship (original is here).

Shut Up

Here’s a young man who clearly didn’t pay attention when he was told to hush up. Hopefully he’s getting the message now.

It strikes me there’s actually a product marketing niche here. Writing on bodies is a kinky thing. Bondage tape is a kinky thing. Why hasn’t anybody combined the two? Tape with phrases on might be quite fun. Just simple things like ‘My Property’ or ‘Pain Toy’ or the ever popular ‘Slut’ might work pretty well. Customization options would be even more entertaining. What domme wouldn’t want personalized bondage tape with ‘Property of Mistress …..’ on it for wrapping up submissives?

This photograph is by Fuck-Me-Mon-Amour from deviant art. It’s titled ‘shut up baby 3’.

Catfish Kink

First came the dommes and then the pro-dommes, and that was good. Next came the fin-dommes and the cam-dommes, and that was like sure, whatever. Not my thing, but your thing is OK. Then came the fake dommes and the catfishing dommes, and that seemed obviously bad until I read this Gizmodo article. Apparently there are now men who fetishize being catfished and scammed online by men pretending to be women.

On one hand, if everyone knows what’s going on and everyone consents, then who am I to throw stones? A bunch of guys jerking off to each other while fake-pretending to be beautiful women scammers seems less objectionable than a lot of things men do online. Unfortunately, I suspect the scammers aren’t exactly careful about how they identify themselves as fakes. It would seem like there’s a significant danger of mixing in non-consensual scamming with the consensual sort. What’s the right ethical code for ensuring consensual and safe catfishing? The average BDSM guide doesn’t really cover that. And would there be a market for genuine fin-dommes to pretend to be fake-dommes in order to attract these clients? And would a catfish fetishist be upset if the hot blonde fin-domme he thought was a fat old man actually turned out to be a hot blonde? That’d be a confusing boner.

It is at least further proof (if such a thing were needed) that there is absolutely nothing that people will not fetishize in some way.

Tricky to pick an image to go with the topic. I figured this idealized figure worshiped by anonymous men seemed appropriate. The title also seems to fit. The artwork is of course by the great Eric Stanton.

Hard Pegged Detective

I’m a big fan of the classic hardboiled detective writers – Chandler, Hammet, Cain, Ellroy, etc. Their gender and sexual politics aren’t exactly woke, and their plots often convoluted, but I love them for their cynical humor and the darkness of the stories.

The glamorous femme fatale entering the detectives office with a plea for help is a staple of the genre. Typically there’s a lot of flirting and smart banter, along with the sense of an unspoken trap that the detective willingly steps into. However, in all the books and films I’ve seen, I don’t remember this classic scene ever turning into a pegging situation. An opportunity missed perhaps? Things never typically work out well for anyone involved in these plots, so maybe a good pegging was what was needed. It certainly would have changed the sexual chemistry for the rest of the story.

This is by the artist Felix Deon  (instagram and etsy).

Great Line or the Greatest Line?

I have to thank Eris Martinet for sharing what might be my favorite chat-up line of all time. I assume it was delivered at a BDSM party and obviously came from a male admirer.

I’ve come to meet you at this party for a free caning. Now would you like to see photos of my Lamborghini?
Via this tweet.

I just love how much is going on and how little self-awareness exists in those few words. It takes real talent to boast about wealth while simultaneously communicating how cheap you are.

For any readers that can’t see the problem then may I also direct your attention to this article – Penis extensions don’t work, study finds. I know there’s no direct connection between these, but I have the feeling that the kind of guy that boasts about his Lamborghini to a domme he just met is also the kind of guy who’d be in the market for a penis extension. It turns out those operations are about as successful as this line was.

This is Miss Martinet (from her social media feed) spanking Mia, who is doubtless a lot more intelligent and courteous in her approach. If you’re interested in being on the receiving end yourself, then Miss Martinet is UK based and specializes in domestic discipline and behavior correction. Her professional site is here. Oddly her contact form doesn’t have a question on it about what vehicle you drive.