Mainstream – Page 9 – Femdom Resource

Cosmo Fail

Mocking Cosmo articles on sex and BDSM is a long running tradition around here. There has been the good, the bad and the highly humorous. Unfortunately, their latest example would fall under the categories of dangerous and highly irresponsible.

The article in question is ‘What you need to know about breath play in BDSM‘ and right there, that title alone is pretty problematic. The answer to that should simply be ‘More than we can possibly cover in a Cosmo article. Don’t even think about it till you’ve done some proper research.’

Unfortunately the article itself is not so succinct. It does at least start with a warning about how dangerous it can be, but that message is then rather undercut by the remaining text talking about amazing orgasms and describing how to do it. It reminds me of the South Park scene where Kenny dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.

My biggest problem with the article is that it seems to to cover the two extremes of breath play and almost entirely omits the safer and fun middle areas. It talks about voluntarily holding your breath and mindful breathing, which are fine, but probably not all that hot for most people. The rest of it talks about various ways to put hands around neck and squeeze (or not), which seems very dangerous advice. There’s a long running debate in the BDSM community around whether breath play done like that can ever be safe – with a lot of experts saying it can’t – but I’m sure 100% of the community would agree that beginners doing it based on a short Cosmos article is a terrible idea. The reader is therefore left with an unsatisfying approach and a really dangerous one.

I actually love breath play and do it a lot, but never with anything near the windpipe or arteries in my neck. A simple hand across the mouth and nose is enough to block breathing and push my buttons around being controlled, while being way less risky. Even better than a hand is an ass. Face sitting, which can be clothed or unclothed, is both fun, sexy and a good way to limit air. Even an armpit can work, although it can be tricky to get a proper seal. It seems ridiculous to me that Cosmos barely touches on these much better approaches. For more advanced scenes I’ve played with using plastic wrap and gasmasks. I don’t think either of those would be great starting point for beginners, but they’d still be better than anything involving gripping around the neck.

I’m afraid I don’t have an attribution for this particular breath play shot.

The Sport Report

America had a concert and ads showcase today, occasionally interrupted by a sporting event.

The game itself made me sad, as I’ve been a 49ers fan since I was a teenager watching Joe Montana and Jerry Rice play. On the plus side, the halftime show was a lot of fun with a surprising kinky vibe. Shakira had a hint of bondage going with her rope dance and then Jennifer Lopez came out in a leather outfit that had an awful lot more than a hint of BDSM about it. Not to mention the backing dancers sporting classic leather caps and dommey snarls.

As an added bonus, the sight of two talented Latino women dancing and singing in Spanish appears to have pissed off a lot of right wing troglodytes. So while my team may have lost, I’m always happy to find a silver lining.

Medical Myths

The story of how the vibrator was invented by Victorian doctors to cure women of hysteria is a well known one. There are plenty of online articles that refer to it. I’ve even referenced it in past posts. It has an obvious appeal. Who doesn’t like the idea of a Victorian lady telling her staid husband that she feels a burst of hysteria coming on and she needs to schedule a trip to Dr. NimbleFingers to relieve the tension?

Unfortunately – and you can probably guess where this was going – it turns out not to be true. As this NYTimes article by Hallie Lieberman makes clear, it was invented as a general device for health. Doctors did know there was a risk of sexual excitement, but were very keen to steer away from that usage. It was only thanks to women recognizing its potential that the vibrator gained its sexual usage and benefits.

I particularly enjoyed Hallie Lieberman’s gender swapped example of how unbelievable the hysteria story is.

Imagine arguing that at the turn of the 20th century, female nurses were giving hand jobs to male patients to treat them for psychological problems; that men didn’t realize anything sexual was going on; that because female nurses’ wrists got tired from all the hand jobs, they invented a device called a penis pump to help speed up the process. Then imagine claiming nobody thought any of this was sexual, because it was a century ago.

While that doesn’t sound likely, it does sound like a great scenario for a femdom roleplay. I would happily be a hysterical Victorian man who needs to be restrained by nurses and cured via mechanically assisted means. Obviously it’d all be done for my own good.

This is Lady Annisa and Mistress Miranda, two pro-dommes from the UK who are both brilliant at medical scenes. I’m sure that they’d be up for adding a historical twist to them.

Strange Logic

A new documentary by Louis Theroux entitled ‘Selling Sex‘ has been creating a stir in my social media feed. As you might guess from the title, it tackles the subject of sex work, following three women involved in the industry. Most of the sex workers I follow were not impressed. This thread by Lola Ruin and this tweet by Mistress Evilyne are pretty indicative of the feedback I saw. Even the people involved in it were not happy.

I’ve not seen the show so I can’t review it. Instead I want to review a review of it. Specifically, this review in the Guardian by Lucy Mangan. I’m sure if you asked Lucy she’d claim her article, like the show, was a balanced and nuanced take on a tricky subject. Yet I think her final paragraph, containing the sentences below, show just how illogical and confused people can be when it comes to sex work.

The true question is how we define coercion or exploitation. The aim of the law’s definition is surely to ensure that anyone selling his or her body is doing so willingly, as a matter of absolutely free choice. Whether this can be said of any of the women here, I am not sure.

The idea of selling your body is not only a tired cliche but also makes no sense. A sex worker no more sells their body that does an athlete, a fashion model or a nurse. Like all those professions, a sex worker uses their body and their brain to provide a service. At no point before, during or after the transaction does a client own any part of their body. Possibly used underwear or sweaty athletic wear might be purchasable, should both parties tastes run in that direction, but that’s a whole different dynamic.

Logically, if having sex implies some transfer of ownership, then the same must be true regardless of the involvement (or not) of a fee. So does Lucy think that a wife having sex with her husband results in him owning her body? Is she a fan of bringing back the idea of Coverture more widely? It would seem an unusual position for a Guardian journalist to adopt.

The other strange part of that final paragraph is the bar she sets for doing sex work – ‘a matter of absolutely free choice.’ How many of us do our jobs out of absolutely free choice? I love my job, but I’d drop it tomorrow if I had the financial independence to make an absolutely free choice. That’s why it’s my job and not my hobby.

Coal mining is a dangerous, dirty and physically challenging job. As a result miners are often lauded as blue collar hero’s, taking on tough work to put food on the table for their families. Are they doing that as an absolutely free choice? Maybe we should we shut down the mines until we’re 100% sure of that. The idea that miners don’t understand the choices they make would be rightly criticized as patronizing and insulting. Yet people like Lucy are happy to infantilize sex workers and imply that they other people’s judgements (the law) should replace the workers own choices. Instead, shouldn’t we be celebrating sex workers for the difficult job they choose to do?

This is a long post spun from just a few sentences in a review of a show I’ve not even seen. Yet those few sentences seem illustrative of how even intelligent people can have internalized damaging and illogical views on sex work. From the online feedback that seems to be a problem the show’s creators shared.

I’ve no idea what’s an appropriate image to accompany this kind of post. Given I mentioned Lola Ruin at the top of it, I’m going to use that as an excuse to feature a lovely shot of her (from her twitter feed).

Submissive Gaming

Yesterday’s post got me thinking more generally about the intersection between videogames and kink. Obviously using sex and fetish to sell videogames is nothing new and, like every genre of art, there have been sexually explicit examples from its earliest days. What I’m more interested in are the mainstream games that plug into a BDSM or D/s vibe. The kind that push our kinky buttons without us necessarily being immediately aware of it.

There’s a clear link between topping and playing videogames, in that both are about control, flow and mastery of the local environment. That’s obviously what Gita Jackson in yesterday’s article picked up on. From the submissive perspective it’s a little trickier. For example, I can’t imagine a videogame about being tied up would work all that well. What would the controls be like? Mash Y to moan. Hit X to safeword if pain meter fills up. Wiggle the thumbstick to move your fingers and prevent ‘Game Over’ due to pins and needles. It probably wouldn’t be a bestseller.

There are plenty of games that involve rescuing a princess or some equivalent trophy female character, but they’re clearly not femdom. The female character is passive and helpless. There are an increasing number of games with powerful female leads, but they don’t tie to a D/s dynamic. For a game to push my kinky buttons it’d need an active and powerful female character that drives the story, but also the ability for me to have a fun gaming experience acting in support of her. That’s a tricky combination to find.

I’d guess the best place to look for examples would be RPGs. They typically have different characters working together and interesting mixes of genders and power dynamics. For example, both Final Fantasy VIII and IX had feisty female leads (Rinoa and Garnet respectively) with the male lead character working on their behalf. Hunting around online I also came across this video from the game Ni No Kuni 2, which clearly has a femdom slant to it. Does anyone have any other game suggestions? Anything that pushes both their controller and their kinky buttons? I’ve been pondering it all day and haven’t come up with much.

Medieval concepts of chivalry are an obvious dynamic for games with a femdom slant. Just as long as the Queen is the type to charge into battle and not spend all day moping around in her castle.

A Dame To Die For

I’ve been watching a bunch of film noir over the holidays, so this seems an appropriate image to share. It’s odd that guns and knives in BDSM are a total turn off for me, yet I’m a sucker for a deadly femme fatale. Particularly the scenes where she turns the tables on the helpless schmuck she’s ensnared, holding him at gunpoint while explaining what a fool he’s been. I think it’s because the gun in these scenes is incidental, a necessary device to give her power, rather than being a fetishistic focus. I’m actually kinking on the betrayal and the masochistic pleasure of trusting someone you know is going to ultimately hurt you.

This illustration is by Robert Maguire, an artist famous for his crime noir covers. I believe (based on this article) that it was for a novel called ‘So Cold, My Bed’ by Sam Taylor.

Greta Garbo

I don’t think this really counts as femdom, but it is a lovely picture. It’s from 1929 and a movie called The Single Standard, with two of the A list stars of the time –Greta Garbo and Nils Asther. Given the positioning of her in the chair and him at her feet, you can definitely project a D/s vibe into there if you choose to. However, while they both hid their sexuality during their film careers, in reality he was gay and she either gay or bisexual. So it’s really just two beautiful people in a beautiful shot.

Suzi Quatro

The theme of female rock musicians who write, sing and play bass – as yesterday’s post featuring Savannah Sly was so obviously about – gives me the perfect excuse to feature Suzi Quatro. Her string of hits in the 70’s made her signature leather jumpsuit look famous. I’d always assumed it was chosen specifically for its sexy and fetishistic overtones, but according to this Guardian article it was originally because she thought Elvis looked good in leather and a jumpsuit would be practical for leaping around on stage. Only later, after she was photographed, did the other aspects because obvious.

Her main hits were all before my time, but I do remember as kid in the 80’s having my attention caught by her photographs. This early image is probably the most well known, but I prefer the later shot shown below. This was taken by famous rock photographer Allan Ballard in 1981 and is now in the UK’s National Portrait Gallery collection.

Bad Gifts for Rich Idiots

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand is notorious for ridiculous and overpriced products. In the past they’ve featured things like vaginal jade eggs and coffee enemas. This year their holiday gift collection features a leather bondage kit that costs an eye watering $1,350 and yet appears to have been designed by someone who has no idea about bondage . That’s $1,350 for just 4 cuffs, 4 straps and a leather paddle. I can’t see any proper padding on the cuffs and the fastening mechanism looks more applicable to a fashionable belt than bondage fun. For that kind of money I’d expect Gwyneth herself to turn up and tie me down.

If you are going to invest in bondage Christmas gifts, then I’d direct your attention to somewhere like Fetters, which carry better quality products at a much lower cost. For example, they feature proper leather cuffs for less than $100 a pair and a wide selection of paddles. Or, for about what Goop are charging for 4 cuffs and a paddle, you could get the bondage chair shown below. That looks like it’d be way more fun for less money. Although probably harder to hide from children and nosy relatives.

Note that I don’t carry sponsored posts, advertising or affiliate links. I make no money from this site. If I’m linking somewhere, it’s because I like them. I do have a soft spot for Fetters, as they’re based in the area I grew up in.

A Triumph of Hope Over Experience

I’m a big fan of pulp novel covers from the 60’s and 70’s. They’re the perfect example of selling the sizzle rather than the steak. The book contents might consistently disappoint, but there was always the hope that the next one might live up to the erotic delights promised by its cover. An endless sequence of the triumph of hope over experience.

This example, courtesy of this tweet by the Pulp Librarian, features a severe looking nurse, a glimpse of stocking and a cane. Admittedly, a cane makes absolutely no sense for a nurse to be brandishing, but pulp illustrators never let a silly thing like logic get in the way of a sexy cover. As far as I can tell from the Wikipedia page on the novel itself, there’s also nothing in the book about nurses, corporal punishment or kink. Anyone buying this book based on the cover probably knew that was the case, but still let their little brain override the big one.